The last decade or so of my life has been spent, at the highest levels, wrestling with Ephesians 2:10 – For we are God’s masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
The most difficult part of this ongoing journey has been believing that about myself, and those closest to me – believing it to the degree and extent that it results in action that is uniquely aligned with that belief. Over the years I have tried to develop this belief in friends and acquaintances as well.
One of the books I am reading defines trust as believing the best about someone. So this idea of earning trust doesn’t apply in the author’s definition. Initially, I bristled at this definition of trust. Trust has always been about a process of earning – in any contexts I have experienced it.
As is often the case with me, I decided the author was wrong on this point, and just moved on. As I continued to let that thought simmer in the back of my mind, I have been part of a Boundaries with Teens small group study. This small group study has been my first formal study of boundaries and I find that I am resonating deeply with the concept at many levels.
I have come to realize in the last few days that perhaps trust is closely related and tied to boundaries. I want to believe the best about people. My life goes better when I do – I sleep better, think better, talk better, act better and influence better. However, when someone fails to live up to what I believe is the best for them, what then? Should I stop believing the best about them? I hope not. That would put me back in the pit, and greatly reduce the potential for that person, whom I lost trust in – stopped believing the best about – to get better; to more fully live in the masterpiece that they have been created to be.
On the flip-side, we can’t allow negative behaviors to continue to get worse. We also do not want to lose ourselves in the process of believing the best about someone else. It is precisely at this point, that I believe boundaries come into play. Boundaries can be based on current actions. Boundaries can be earned. Boundaries can be adjusted based on performance and history. Boundaries can be adjusted based on success and future performance.
If I allow boundaries to protect both the individual I believe the best about, and myself, I can now continue to believe the best in someone, even throughout periods of minor or major failure; and, at the same time, still maintain integrity integrity in the process of growth for them and for me. A specific example might go something like this. If your child has a history of drinking, and gets a DUI, at that point in their lives, they really need people, especially their parents, to believe the best about them; to see them moving past this current rough spot in their lives, putting it behind them, and becoming the masterpiece that God created them to be.
At the same time, you cannot allow them to continue to spiral down in a pattern of self-destruction. That is where the boundaries come in. When there is failure in living up to the best that is believed about you, the boundaries need to be tightened up. How tight, for how long, and what the criteria are for loosening the boundaries, are all based on the severity and frequency of the particular failure. Boundaries can be relaxed as new behaviors and patterns begin to replace old, destructive patterns. Throughout that whole process, you can continue to believe the best about your child, and speak the best into their lives.
I think that method of modulating trust and boundaries to maximize the masterpiece someone was created to be works not only for our own children, but for every other relationship in our lives – from very close, to casual acquaintances. Boundaries help ensure that the person actually becomes the best you believe about them; and, those same boundaries empower you to continue to develop your own masterpiece as well.
What do you think? How has the issue of trust, and believing the best about people, played out in your experience?
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