Love God Love People
I am happy to see Christ followers in America moving away from believing their mission is about an occupation, like a doctor, lawyer or singer, and moving towards what I believe to be a much more real, daily, actionable understanding of mission – love God and love people. The word love in that context means something much different than the meaning implied when most people use the word. In the missional context it relates to how and what you do, in the societal context it relates mainly to how you feel, like being in love. Love in the Jesus, missional context is about putting the needs, desires and dreams of other people ahead of your own. It means doing what is best for another person even if it means sacrifice, even significant sacrifice on your part.
Word is Bond
With that as a background, let me transition into an unusual phenomenon I have discovered over the years as my own kids have gotten older, and I have begin rubbing shoulders with other older kids and their parents. Teenagers keep secrets of their friends and their siblings from parents and leaders; and, sometimes even parents keep secrets about their friends’ and acquaintances’ kids from their own parents. Sometimes everyone but the heavily invested people, like the parents, know what bad things their kids are up to. There seems to be some level of honor in such circumstances. Word is bond. I’m not a rat. I won’t rat out my brother, my best friend. It’s none of my business. Gossip even become honorable with this mindset. Even grown-up secrets like adultery are kept between everyone except the spouse who is being violated; and, somehow, people feel good, honorable and right about doing this.
Only as Sick as your Secrets
At a recent youth retreat, I heard a message on confession and forgiveness. A quote was used that so simply, plainly and clearly articulated what healing involves – You are only as sick as your secrets. Secrets make you sick. They can destroy your character, your witness, your influence, and even your life. Freedom, power and new life comes from admitting your secrets to those who can help you change and become better. A phrase that is commonly used misses the mark. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Not entirely true. Admitting you are a drug addict to other practicing drug addicts is probably not going to be a huge benefit to you. Sharing that same secret with someone who has successfully overcome their addiction and can help you overcome yours – that is a real first step. Not only do secrets need to be shared, but they need to be shared with people who have your best interest at heart and will hold you accountable to getting better.
I heard of a men’s small group where the guys decided to implement accountability when it came to looking at pornography. They set up their computers to email each other the links of websites they visited every day; and, if someone strayed off track, everyone else in the group had to fast the next day. One of the guys had much less success than the others, and one of the members shared with me that he would regularly go several days without eating. What kind of love do the guys in that small group have for each other? Is accountability a loving act? Does it put the needs of others above the needs of your own?
True Friends
Does unleashing the masterpiece within everyone human being sometimes require helping them remove the barriers, obstacles and other things that keep them from being the best they can be? Are we really being good friends by keeping the secret that our 13 year old friend is sexually active with a 17 year old guy? Are we really loving our high school sister when she comes home from a party high, and we help her hide it from our parents to protect her? Is it really none of our business when we see the girl next door walk around the block to hide the fact that she is getting picked up by her boyfriend on the corner? Should we say nothing when our kids and their friends tell us what a huge pot-head the child of someone we casually know is?
Is it possible that if we were honest with ourselves, what we call protecting is really us not wanting to start trouble, wanting to keep the peace, even at the expense of others? Can it be that we are too scared to really love someone and do what is best for them, even if it means trouble, yelling, screaming, temporary loss of friendship? Are those costs too high for unleashing the masterpiece in those we love?
There is someone I know who I always disliked for stirring up trouble. I remember when she held an intervention for someone close to her who was an obvious drug addict and no one would call him on it. It caused a huge falling out, and so many hard feelings. The woman who initiated the intervention was mocked, criticized and ostracized from the family and friends. The drug addict, ended up beating his addiction as a result of the intervention; but as far as I know, has never thanked or even spoken to this woman again. As I look back on it, I have changed my mind about her. I have come to realize that what she did took a tremendous amount of love and courage. She cared more for the drug addict, than she did about what negative fallout might result for herself.
To Be a Rat, or Not to Be a Rat?
Should we be a rat sometimes? Are there situations in our lives where we know that it is in the best interest of our friend or neighbor that they are coached into telling their secrets to someone who can hold them accountable for getting better? Is there a point where the coaching continues to fail, and we actually rat someone out for their own good? Where do we draw the line? Are we praying about it? Talking about it? Thinking about it?
If your friend was about to walk into traffic and didn’t see that a truck was coming, wouldn’t you grab them and pull them back? Why is it any different when they have secrets that are making them sick? Is the difference really, that in the case of the truck, you would be an immediate hero, and in the case of the secret, you would likely be an immediate, but hopefully short-term rat? Of course there is discretion required, and sometimes people become rats to get revenge on someone, not because they have that persons best interest at heart. It’s all about the motive and the situation. But, do you really believe there are never appropriate situations where ratting someone out is the most loving thing you can do? Are you willing to be a rat to help your friends and family members become everything that God intended them to be?
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