No he didn’t! Yes I did! A blog on sex! It’s been a long time in the coming. My oldest son gets married on March 28, so, the old man’s gotta impart some wisdom, why not do it publicly so everyone, everywhere can benefit?!?! The clock is ticking!

Seriously though, romantic love is super important – it plays a part in most everyone’s life. Of course, romantic love includes things besides sex itself. Non-sexual, physical touch, hand-holding, cuddling, snuggling, etc. Non-sexual, romantic love is super important, and I will dig into that more in later posts, but for right now the focus of this post will be sexual intimacy!

Additionally, this post will primarily represent the male perspective on sex. That is not to say that I will not try to represent both sides. I have 3 grown daughters and have been married 25 years myself, so I am capable of representing more of the female perspective than many are 🙂 Of course, within the male or female category, views on the importance and role of sexual intimacy can vary widely. It is an intensely personal topic and experience. This post is not meant to say that sex has to be anything, nothing or everything. Your personal perspective is valuable and important. I am simply sharing my thoughts and perspectives.

For some, sexual intimacy has been mostly a positive experience – for others it has come with some pain and maybe even deep emotional scars and wounding.

Followers of Jesus have left such a void when it comes to discussing the awesomeness of sex – and that void is being and will continue to be filled – usually with cheap, imitation, generic sexual intimacy knock-offs. That is why I am writing this. There is not enough positive talk coming out of the so-called “Christian camp” on this important topic; and, I am tired of that void being filled without considering the perspective of the inventor of sex.

God invented sex. God invented the org*sm (don’t want content filters to block this post!). God invented it. He designed it. He designed sexual intimacy, sexual pleasure, arousal, all of it. In fact, the best of what we have now is “Plan B” sex. The original design for sex and org*sms was probably much better in its perfected form than it is now – if you can believe that?!

Not only did God create sex, but he wants it to be awesome. God made sex to be a part of life for many of us. Jesus came so that we can have an abundant life. Sex is a part of life for many of us. So, for those of us whom sex is a legitimate part of our abundant living, Jesus came that we might have an abundant sex-life, and have it to the full! The NLT version says Jesus came to give us a rich and satisfying life – guess what? That includes a rich and satisfying sex life for us married folk. It’s true! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

God created the sexual intimacy between a man and woman to be a description – an illustration- of the love between Christ and the church.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. – Ephesians 5

Paul doesn’t mean anything weird or perverted by that. He is saying that, the depth of intimacy that is shared between a couple, madly in love, deeply committed to each other, experiencing sexual intimacy at it’s fullest – that depth of intimacy, relationship, love, vulnerability – is just a small foreshadowing – a small glimpse of the love and depth of connection that Jesus desires to have with each of us (the church – ecclesia – the people of God). Again, not in a weird way.

One of the most intimate connections we can experience as human beings is meant to give us a small glimpse of what God’s love is like. That is so awesome!!!

God wants this illustration to be experienced, experienced well, and experienced often. Of course, like anything else in life, a rich, meaningful, mutually satisfying sexual intimacy requires effort to achieve and maintain. It doesn’t just happen.

It also requires some rules and boundaries. Imagine a football game with absolutely no rules or boundaries. Or baseball, tennis, soccer, hockey – you name the sport. What if all of the players did whatever they wanted to do and there were no rules or boundaries? Sports would lose all of its fun and meaning. The rules and boundaries create the framework for the expression of the athlete and the joy of the experience. Sex is no different. Actually, everything in life is no different. A big chunk of the fun and enjoyment of anything comes with rules and boundaries.

This deepest expression of physical intimacy is meant to be an overflow of spiritual and emotional intimacy between two people – within a set of healthy rules and boundaries. Experts say the biggest sex organ in your body is your brain (despite what your husband may tell you). I would extend that to say – your heart / mind / soul is actually the biggest sex organ in your body – and the most important.

The union of physical, emotional, relational and spiritual intimacy, within the proper boundaries, creates a mind-blowing sexual intimacy that few get to experience – mostly because they forget, or have never learned about the non-physical aspects of intimacy; and/or, never fully understood or respected the well-designed boundaries.

If you have been married, 25 days or 25 years, you should be experiencing, mutually satisfying, mind-blowing sexual intimacy as often as you like – every day even – if that works for both of you.

Experiencing this level of intimacy between two people, living their daily lives in the real world, takes hard work. Like Tom Hanks says in A League of Their Own – it’s the hard that makes it great! – no pun intended! Great sex starts in the soul, the mind, the heart, the spirit and culminates in physical intimacy – on a playing field with well-defined rules and boundaries.

How might one accomplish this task you may ask? Well, tune it for future posts! One blog post is not going to cut. We’re not talking about re-post, or even a three-post. We are talking about a minimum 8-post on experiencing incredible sexual intimacy. Well, maybe not 8, but more than a couple! Yes!

I just got done attending service at my home church, Community Christian Church in Naperville, IL (Community). My family and I have been “on mission” with Community for more than 20 years now. It has been a great journey so far and I am excited about where the journey is heading in the future.   

In the latest service, the message was the third in a series on “directions”. This theme for this message was “outward” – putting the needs of of others before the needs of your own. The primary Biblical text was from John 13 – Jesus washing the disciples feet.

As is usually the case, I found myself significantly challenged spiritually and practically. We were admonished to make serving others a priority in our lives – in our families, with our friends, in our workplaces, our church, and in our communities both locally and globally.

We had just recently finished up our annual “Celebration Generosity” where we as a church gave away an entire week’s offering to four outreach organizations that are changing the world through serving others. Over the last several years, we at Community have given away millions of dollars to these four teams.

This last Sunday (Oct 26, 2014), the 13 campuses of Community sponsored more than 400 children in the programs of Compassion International. During the weekend services, we got to hear live personal stories from two graduates of the program. A lady named Kiwi from the Philippines shared her story at the main service Sunday morning; and, a young man named Jey from Kenya shared his story at the evening Student Community service. The stories were incredibly inspiring. It is amazing how such a seemingly small effort on our part can make such a huge difference in the life of a suffering child with no hope.

Sitting in the auditorium that morning, I realized that I was surrounded by some long-time followers of Jesus, those who are still figuring out who Jesus is, and everyone in between. I was struck by the multi-faceted impact that was happening in that one-hour service. So many different people were being impacted in so many different ways – all of which will all lead to so many different and significant outcomes to bring God’s love up close and personal to those around us.

All of this got me thinking about the internal and external criticism sometimes levied against Christian churches. While I cannot speak for most churches, I can definitely speak about my 20 years of experience at Community. From my participation and observation of the last 20 plus years, I have come to these conclusion about my Christian church – Community:

• The weekend “seeker friendly” services
  • Challenge me spiritually and practically week in and week out
  • Bring in hundreds if not thousands of people every year from the community who are genuinely seeking to understand God better
• The local instantiation of this particular local church institution:
  • Envisions, equips and mobilizes community transformation at local, regional and international levels
  • Actively engages and challenges it’s people to grow and develop in their spiritual faith and community-impacting servant-leadership.
  • Substantially impacts the youth – toddlers, elementary, jr high and high school students from the church body and the surrounding local communities.
  • Provides a brick and mortar “third place” structure to support many individual, group and community development meetings, gatherings and projects.
  • Provides a conduit for channeling resources of time, expertise and money to local, regional and community non-profits, NGOs, and outreach-focused organizations.

• The formal church staff
  • Models vulnerability, transparency and accountability on an ongoing basis.

The idea of church that is “seeker friendly” is still very relevant. As it turns out, there are still many people outside the church who identify “church” as a place to seek after God. My local church, provides highly visible and engaging physical spaces as well as attractive and safe environments to get to know God in a more personal way.

This is the secret sauce of the “seeker friendly” church. As people live life and wish to experience God to a greater extent, the cultural programming inside of them recognizes “church” as a legitimate vehicle to get them there. Community Christian steps up to the plate and creates an incredibly effective, welcoming environment for people to take those first few steps back to God.

The job of the church (small c) – the institution, the building, the staff – is to attract, engage, envision, equip and mobilize “The Church” (big C) – which is everyone who is following Jesus.

The job of “The Church” (big C) is to “be on mission” helping people find their way back to God and discipling everyone. That is big C Church’s job to actually do and carry out – not “little c” church’s.

One does not have to look too hard to find “little c” churches that have significant issues with the senior staff, the messaging, the services, etc. There is no doubt about that.

However, there are many “little c” churches that totally rock! That are doing the right things, for the right reasons. That are advancing the sacrificial love of God in their local and global communities.

Community is one of those “little c” churches that is rocking their mission; that is getting it done consistently well – and getting better at it.

In “little c” churches that rock, that are getting their mission done, the onus for exponential world change falls on the “big C” Church – you and me – the followers of Jesus. The so-called “lay people.” The “big C” Church is often the limiting factor in “little c” churches that rock. Here are some examples:

Every week Community puts dozens of people who are actively seeking a relationship with God in close proximity with the people of the “big C” Church. The pastor’s job is not to form discipling relationships with every one of the new people seeking God that show up on a weekly basis. That’s our job as the “big C” Church. And yet, many “big C” Church folk (Churchers) would rather hang out with their close friends whom they are comfortable with than talk to “strangers.” Many of us “big C” Churchers would rather get home to watch the Bears game. As a small example, I personally know where the side doors are so I can get out of church fast and limit the amount of interaction I have do with people. How lame is that!?

Every week Community provides numerous opportunities to develop spiritually with other followers of Jesus. Many of us “big C” Churchers would rather make small talk, see a movie or some other entertainment based activity so we can avoid difficult and challenging personal conversations. It’s too taxing emotionally and mentally to be intentionally about growing spiritually most of the time.

Every week Community provides opportunity to serve other people in our local and global communities as we “reach out”. Many of us “big C” Churchers have way too many other priorities – especially for the relationally/time intensive opportunities for outreach. Instead of going deep, let’s pack some food for an hour, or hand  out some Christmas gifts for an a couple hours and broom-out without having to get into any uncomfortable relational discussions. Let me be clear: the problem here isn’t packing food or distributing Christmas gifts…the problem here is the lack of the same level of participation in the more relationally difficult and personally “costly” outreach efforts.

The “little c” church exists to attract, engage, envision, equip and mobilize – people. The people who attend the “little c” church have the ultimate onus for the world-changing impact of spreading the sacrificial love of Jesus in our communities. If “we” as the community within Community Christian Church do not do what we are supposed to do, the “mission” suffers. Not for lack of mobilization and equipping, but for lack of effort, desire, discipline and heart – in the “big C” Church.

My church rocks! I believe it’s one of the best in the world at attracting, engaging, equipping and mobilizing. The ultimate impact of the mobilization is simply the product of the impact of each and every one of the “big C” Churchers being mobilized. If 30% of us suck, then you’re going to get 30% less impact. Period.

Our individual character as members of the “big C” Church, can also be referred to as our “missional character.” Our individual and collective “missional character” as the “big C” Church is the lynchpin for impact when we are part of an already rocking “little c” church like Community Christian.

You will never hear me say things like, “I’m not being fed” Instead you will likely hear me say, “The food is great. I need to stop eating and start exercising more!”

Let’s be intentional and effective and relentless in developing our individual “missional character”!!

As soon as we open our eyes every morning, what we want most is to matter, to live a life (and to do work) that has meaning. – Bernadette Jiwa from her latest book, “Difference”

Can you relate to that? I know I do. I want to have an abundant life that is full of meaning, adventure, passion, love and making a difference. 

Deep down inside, I know that I am falling short of the fullest, over-flowing abundant life that I can possibly have. Many people would point to differences I have made, some maybe even are able to articulate difference I have personally made in their own lives. I am grateful for that, and feel that is a big part of why I am here.

However, the truth I feel deep in my gut, is that there is more. I am not taking hold of all that my life should be.

That frustrates me. Can you resonate with that? Do you sometimes think that your life should feel different? Have more abundance than it has, even if it is only a little more – or a lot more?

Maybe what frustrates me most is that, as a follower of Jesus, I believe that I already have been created with everything I need to live that fully abundant life. Ephesians 2:10 says that me, you, all of us, have been created as UNIQUE MASTERPIECES of God, with special, unique GOOD WORKS – not just abstract gifts that we can try to measure and compare – but real, actual works of goodness that we have been uniquely created to DO.

If I was created a unique masterpiece, and I have the Raiders of the Lost Ark, Holy Spirit presence of the Living God residing inside of my heart and soul, – that even a mustard seed’s worth of access to that could move mountains – why do I feel lacking in abundance at times?

I think that is a very important questions to ask. I have been asking that question since being challenged by God on the first trip I took to the Philippines to serve abandoned abused and dangerously neglected children living on the streets.

In order for me to UNLEASH THE MASTERPIECE of God in those precious street kids who live on the other side of the world, I need to first, unleash it in myself. I cannot effectively give what I do not already have. I need to be a product of the product.

My wife is the single most important human being in the world to me – and, how effective am I at helping her unleash the unique masterpiece that God created her to be? I have four biological children, and I have very special adopted kids that I love like my own – how am I doing at helping them UNLEASH THE MASTERPIECE within? Shouldn’t it start first at home?

I have been working with other people’s kids for years in student ministries, coaching sports teams, etc. What about in those contexts? How am I doing at unleashing in those arenas?

What God was telling me in 2006 in on the streets of the Philippines was that I need integrity of message to be successful. If my heart is truly broken for street kids – I need to be overflowing with MASTERPIECE that is abundant in my life and the lives of those closest to me.

What I have learned over the past 8 years since then is that is a very difficult thing to do at all, let alone to do well – and to do in a reliable, predictable and repeatable way. Becoming a Masterpiece, and helping those closest to me become masterpieces, is the only way to create a movement of UNLEASHED MASTERPIECES.

I have come to find that fully unleashing my masterpiece, and anyone’s, takes an entire lifetime. Your masterpiece, my masterpiece, IS MY LIFE, your life, our lives. It is the culmination of (hopefully) many masterpiece decades, made up of masterpiece years, made of masterpiece months, weeks, days, hours minutes and seconds.

I have narrowed the question down to how do I live this CURRENT DAY as a MASTERPIECE, and how do I encourage others around me to do the same? How do I best set the stage for tomorrow’s masterpiece?

It is complex, unique, is filled with ups, downs, failures, hope, despair, laughing, crying, joy and pain. It requires intentional relationships, intentional effort, time and money. It’s a journey, not a destination.

I like this quote by Brene Brown – “It’s so scary to show up. It feels dangerous to be seen, it’s terrifying. But it is not as scary, dangerous or terrifying as getting to the end of our lives and thinking—what if I would have shown up? What would have been different?”

I would like to modify that quote a bit. What if I get to the end of this DAY, or this HOUR, without having “shown up”? What would have been different? Having missed the good works I was created to do this day? This hour?

I had a realization recently about discipleship, or mentoring. I used to think discipleship was all about making a difference in someone else’s life. Investing in them. Transferring wisdom and experience, helping through difficult times, celebrating the wins and grieving the losses. 

To some extent, all of that is part of discipleship. However, there are much larger aspects that I am becoming aware of. They were right there all the time, I just never really saw them or considered them.

I thought that my success in discipling/mentoring others would be measured by the day the person I mentored was able to share publicly something along these lines,

“I remember when (my dad, my boss, my co-worker, my friend, my neighbor, this random stranger) said these words to me (fill in the blank with wisdom), or shared this experience (fill in the blank) or modelled this principle (fill in the blank)…and here is how my life is different because of it.”

While that might seem prideful, it really was never intended to be. I am the product of many people investing in me over my lifetime. I simply want to return the favor.

Lately, I am measuring the fruits of my discipleship and/or mentoring efforts a little differently. That measurement is starting to look something like this – When I see someone I have been investing in saying something awesome, doing something awesome, or being something awesome, and I can’t quite figure out where it came from. Was it me? Was it them? Was it someone else? Was it God in them?

When the lines are blurred; when I can’t really figure out the root cause, that is when I really see the fruit of my investment. Because it is all of those (me, them, someone else, God), and only one of those that made the difference. It is ultimately God within them, within me, within their other mentors, that is getting the job done.

I am also beginning to see fruit in failure. If the people that Jesus discipled 24×7 made mistakes like crazy, I should expect the same. I am not a better mentor than Jesus. Jesus had the vision to see that a successful life is built from bricks not only made of successes, but of failures as well. Each brick of failure cemented in with the proper mortar makes the structure bigger, stronger and able to withstand more pressure.

If what I believe about the Bible, and about callings, and about how God wired up the universe is true, then discipleship should look blurry. Not only blurry  from the perspective of whose investment has made the difference, but also blurry in terms of who is the mentor and who is the mentee.

My interpretation of scripture, and the nature of God tells me that we are really all mentees under one mentor. We are all being discipled by the one. It’s an iron sharpening iron process. When I give, I also receive. It is how God wired up the universe to be. The more I give, the more I receive. The more I sow, the more I reap. Seems simple, but at the same time it is very profound.

Have you ever seen a post like this –  “What is 2 + 5 * 0 + 7 * 3 – 10? (a) 11 (b) 39 (c) 13 (d) 18”   

These questions are designed to test your understanding of the order of operations for simple math problems. Most everyone knows how to multiply, divide, add and subtract. Far fewer people who have the correct understanding of the order of operations for simple math problems.

The minor tragedy is that you can know how to do the individual pieces of the problem correctly, but if you don’t get the order of operations right, you will get the wrong answer.

I learned order of operations with a simple mnemonic that goes as follows, “My Dear Aunt Sally,” and the expanded version, “Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally.” This simple phrase reminds one of the correct order of operations – P-E-M-D-A-S – first Parentheses, then Exponents (like squared, etc), Multiplication, Division, Addition and lastly, Subtraction.

So, applying that little mnemonic to the above simple math problem you get

2 + (5*0) + (7*3) – 10

= 2 + 0 + 21 – 10

= 23 -10

= 13

Without the correct understanding of the order in which you solve the equation, you will likely not get the right answer to even a very simple problem like the one above, forget about one’s that are more complex. You may accidently get the right answer with simpler problems, but you will never be consistent with the easy ones, and you will rarely succeed with the more difficult problems.

I have found that getting the right answer when it comes to things spiritual works mostly the same way. If you don’t get the spiritual order of operations right, you may accidently succeed with the simpler problems in life, but you will never be consistent with the easy problems, and you will rarely succeed with the more difficult problems and issues life throws at you.

After decades of struggles and failures, here is what I have found works best for me:

• Internal spiritual life first, then express it externally

Like Jesus said, nothing you eat can defile you, only what comes from inside your heart can defile you. That is the source of either blessings or curses. If my inside isn’t right, I am operating in fake it til you make it mode. That never works long-term for me. It might work for a while, but when the storms come, or fatigue, or both, I will come crashing down, and normally take a few people with me.

I need to listen for what God is saying to me by reflecting on his word daily. I need to have conversations with him about myself, those I care about, those I don’t like or understand, those I don’t know, and those I hate. When I am right inside, I am so much better at being right on the outside.

• Faith first, then works

James is famous for saying, faith without works is dead. This is absolutely true. If you read it properly, it implies that faith comes first, and that the best works come as an expression of internal faith.

It’s kind of like the Sears (excuse me, Willis) Tower or the Golden Gate Bridge. You can’t directly see the deep foundational moorings of either one, but you can indirectly see the expression of them in the rock-solid stability and longevity of both.

Faith is the foundation for enduring good works. One of the reasons why following Jesus is so difficult is because you don’t get partial credit. Doing the right things, for the wrong reasons, is still wrong. It’s not that Jesus is looking for any excuse to smack us down, it is because he wants us to be successful over the long-term.

• Significant-other first, then kids, close friends, acquaintances, then everyone else

Many of us know people personally, who are heroes in the public eye, and fail at home with those they should love and care about the most. The news is littered with stories of the broken legacies left behind by leaders in all walks of life, who failed where it counts the most, at home.

Success at home is less about the will and desire to be a good spouse, parent and/or child, and more about the relentless pursuit of accurate feedback and accountability.

I don’t think I have ever met anyone that walks down the aisle with the determined intent to fail in their marriage. I don’t know anyone who holds their newborn in their arms and is determined to screw them up and/or abandon them.

Our desire to live right at home is often times the very thing that blinds us to our areas of weakness. We want to do well and we are afraid to ask the tough questions, and be held accountable to the answers.

The pressures of life provide constant force to that continually tries to knock us off course, and only the relentless pursuit of honest feedback and accountability will lead to a successful finish.

Anytime I have taken a sabbatical from more casual communities like church, small group, hanging out with friends, etc., to focus on those closest to me, I have ended up getting even more weird. I have found that for me, I need to do all of it, in the right order, to be successful.

As I reflect back on my 46 year journey through life so far, my failures come much more often from getting the order wrong, than from not being able to do any one of the things right. What has your experience been? So what?