“You know,” he said after a while , “it’s kids’ stuff, but I always thought my obituary would be in all the newspapers, that I’d have a story worth telling. I always had this secret suspicion that I was special.”

– Augustus (Gus) Waters, from The Fault in Our Stars

I can personally resonate with what Gus is saying. I want a story worth telling. I want to be special.

I can honestly say that my desire to be special, to have a story worth telling, is mostly altruistic. I want to make a lasting, meaningful difference in the world before I leave it.

My understanding of how to actually measure the difference I am making has changed significantly over my 47 years, and continues to evolve. As I get closer to my 50th birthday – a significant milestone event in my life – I am becoming more anxious about making a difference. I feel like if I am really going to make a big splash, now is the time.

 

Many of the ways I believe people do make a big splash in the world continue to elude me.

• Becoming the charismatic leader of a large world changing movement, like a Compassion International a Philippine Frontline Ministries, a New Thing, a Community Christian Church
• Write a widely published book / Be an inspirational speaker.
• Having the resources to take diamonds in the rough, and equip them to become all God made them to be. (And I mean real resources, like money, time, businesses, etc)
• Being ridiculously generous
• Be widely known as someone who is one of the best in the world at doing something worth-while

 

I’m not saying I get out of bed every morning intentionally trying to create one of these specific destinies, but I find myself measuring the success of my life against them.

Many of the people with whom I am able to engage in meaningful conversation, beyond the superficial talk, express similar concerns – sometimes directly, often times indirectly.

Something inside of me wants to fight against these particular ways to measure the impact of my life. When I search the scriptures, when I pray, meditate and reflect, a little voice shouts in my head that I have the wrong perspective, the wrong context.

 

The following quotes from the movie, Fault in our Stars resonate with that little voice shouting inside of me. How do they make you feel? If you haven’t seen the movie please do! It was incredibly meaningful for me. I well up with emotion just reading the quotes. It was a powerful story.

 

Quote One:

“If you don’t live a life in service of a greater good , you’ve gotta at least die a death in service of a greater good, you know? And I fear that I won’t get either a life or a death that means anything.”

– Gus Waters

 

Quote Two:

“People will say it’s sad that she (Hazel Grace Lancaster) leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her,  that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it’s not sad…It’s triumphant. It’s heroic. Isn’t that the real heroism? …The real heroes anyway aren’t the people doing things; the real heroes are the people NOTICING things, paying attention. The guy who invented the smallpox vaccine didn’t actually invent anything. He just noticed that people with cowpox didn’t get smallpox.”

– Gus Waters

 

Quote Three (in its entirety):

“You know,” he (Gus Waters) said after a while , “it’s kids’ stuff, but I always thought my obituary would be in all the newspapers, that I’d have a story worth telling. I always had this secret suspicion that I was special.”

“You are,” I (Hazel Grace Lancaster) said.

“You know what I mean, though,” he said.

I did know what he meant. I just didn’t agree. “I don’t care if the New York Times writes an obituary for me. I just want you to write one,” I told him. “You say you’re not special because the world doesn’t know about you, but that’s an insult to me. I know about you.”

“I don’t think I’m gonna make it to write your obituary,” he said, instead of apologizing.

I was so frustrated with him. “I just want to be enough for you, but I never can be. This can never be enough for you. But this is all you get. You get me, and your family, and this world. This is your life. I’m sorry if it sucks. But you’re not going to be the first man on Mars, and you’re not going to be an NBA star , and you’re not going to hunt Nazis. I mean, look at yourself, Gus.”

 

I often feel like Gus – and Hazel. I feel like being loved deeply, and loving deeply, is better than loving widely. But that is not what the world tells me. That is often not what my brothers and sisters in the faith tell me – or at least what they show me.

Can I really live a a story worth telling if I am not going to be an NBA star or be the first man on Mars?

I want to believe the answer is yes. I just don’t know how to prove it. How to articulate it well. How to share that answer with others…but I’m working on it 🙂

Jessica and Elizabeth came home for fall break, and Vicky and I invited them to see a movie with us – Captain Phillips. The film told a dramatized version of the story of a captain of a large cargo ship who was taken hostage in 2009, by Somali pirates near the Horn of Africa, and later rescued by Navy SEALs.

I like Tom Hanks, and the trailers of the movie that I saw led me to believe that there may be some insight and understanding of the context and motivation of the pirates. I also like Navy SEAL movies so…Captain Phillips made the cut.

The movie was filled with action, stress and intense emotion. The ending of the movie was particularly emotional. What really surprised me though, was the strong reaction that Jessica and Elizabeth had after the movie. As we were walking back to the car, and while we were driving home, they both started to share how hopeless it was to try to change anything. Maybe a big, wealthy government with a powerful Navy and special forces can make a difference in the world, but how could an average individual real have any effect on the enormous issues of our day?

The Somali pirates, as portrayed in the movie, were impoverished and hopeless waifs, that were more or less slaves of the powerful Somali warlords. The movie made it look like they were forced into the risky, dangerous “job” of pirating. Most of the time, the end up dead, wounded or in jail. Even when they were successful, the vast majority of any ransom or monies received went directly to the warlords; thereby holding the pirates in a life of indentured servitude. I am not sure of the degree of accuracy in the portrayal of the pirates; but the emotional tension between the harsh treatment of Captain Phillips and the desperate, hopelessness of the pirates inspired some pretty intense emotion in the movie-watchers.

I believe the girls were reacting to several feelings and emotions. First, the feeling of helplessness and fear experienced by Captain Phillips. It doesn’t take much to completely lose your security and safety; and being at the hands of desperate, violent criminals – unsure if you will live or die. This would be a terrifying experience. There was also a great deal of frustration as these huge Navy warships and powerful Navy SEAL commandos were held at bay by a few, skinny Somalis in lifeboat.

Second, the girls were reacting to the hopelessness and humanity of the pirates. The leader of the pirates, a man name “Muse” in the movie, was a strong character. You could tell in the movie that he was under the influence and forced control of the warlords. The irony was that he and his pirate cohorts were almost as much hostages of the warlords as the captain was a hostage of the pirates. Muse was skinny, malnourished and almost pitiful in stature, but at the same time he had a charismatic courage and determination about him. He wanted to stick up for himself, and, ironically, he wanted to do a “good job” and hoped to be successful in his task, not only for himself, but for his friends and fellow villagers.

Lastly I think the girls felt the depth of the emotional suffering that is likely going on at any given moment in time, in the world at-large. They have both been exposed to extreme poverty and despair, live and in person during several mission trips, and also second-hand through their involvement in many outreach organizations and their association with and knowledge of several different compassion and poverty initiatives. There is so much suffering in the world, and they feel such empathy and compassion, and so desperately want to do something about it. But here they are – college kids with limited self-sufficiency, and a seeming inability to avail themselves of the perceived amount of powerful resources that would be necessary to make even a small difference anywhere in the world.

They kept remarking on the uselessness and powerlessness of being one single individual in such a huge world of suffering; completely incapable of effecting any meaningful change in large or even small ways. What can one person do? One person is useless.

I reminded them that every single major world movement, good and bad, was the result of the determined resolve of one individual. Nations and kingdoms have risen and fallen, slaves have been freed, injustices overcome, etc., all because of the vision and tenacity of a single person. Often times, the individual is able to win additional people over to his cause, but typically, only after of months, years and sometimes decades of isolated fight and struggle.

Anti-apartheid in South Africa, anti-slavery in the US, civil liberties for African-americans, the right to vote for women in this country, and the list goes on. The truth is, one single person, is pretty powerful, perhaps the most powerful force on the planet. The level of power achieved, is directly proportional to the will, passion, and determination that the individual brings to the table.

Bill Hybels, senior pastor of Willow Creek Community Church discusses the passion and determination needed to unleash the power of change channeled through an individual in his book, “Holy Discontent.” Bill describes the emotional state as being “wrecked.” Individuals whose actions result in world-changing events are fueled and motivated by an internal passion and desire to right a perceived wrong. Bill Hybels refers to the old Popeye cartoons. When popeye had enough of a particular situation where he was being defeated, he would yell, “That’s all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more!” He would then proceed to break out the can of spinach, and the rest would be history.

One person can make a difference. Single individuals have made enormous differences, and led powerful movements, for good and for evil. It’s is not the smallness of the single individual that matters. It is the strong, undying, passionate, discontent for enabling a preferred future. A desire that is so strong, so all-encompassing, that one would fight through any obstacle; and make any sacrifice necessary to achieve it.

When the world is not being changed, it is not for lack of human resources, it is for the lack of human passion and desire to do so. That perhaps, is the most disturbing, and convicting take-away from the movie.

I saw the movie by Lee Daniels, “The Butler” over the weekend. I was profoundly moved by it. Over the years, and for many reasons, I have become very sensitized to the plight of the marginalized, abused, disadvantaged and under-resourced in society. So much so, that it has completely changed the direction of my personal and professional lives. “The Butler” gave me a small glimpse inside the world of suffering that the African-americans endured as slaves, and as the fight for civil rights continued on into the 60s and 70s.

 

Seeing scenes of rape, murder, torture, hatred, injustice throughout the movie stirred up a great deal of compassion and empathy inside of me. I have never experienced the physical abuse, and rank injustice that was presented in the movie, but I have endured some injustice as a result of my stuttering affliction. You can read more specifics about that here, but, suffice it to say, I know a little about what it means to be judged by a physical characteristic that I was born with. I know about the frustration of being thought less of in so many scenarios, and I have many times been held back from being able to fully utilize the gifts and talents inside of me.

 

My experiences with a life-long stuttering problem has given me a great deal of compassion and empathy for those who feel judged, and who feel like they are “less-than” others. Again, that is not to say that I am familiar with most of the horrific kinds of abuse and injustice the African-americans in this country suffered during slavery and the ensuing fight for civil rights; however, I can feel the pain of unfairness, and I can resonate with the longing to be judged by what is inside, instead of being judged by what is on the outside.

 

The main character in “The Butler” actually lives to see the day, when an African-american is actually a contender for the presidency of the United States. You can feel his inspiration, excitement, vindication, and joy as so many years of suffering become undone, and in a single moment – the dream of equality, the dream of being judged by what is inside, instead of what is outside comes true, manifested in the election of an African-american president.

 

As a life-long conservative, and Republican-leaning citizen, I remember bristling at the notion that someone would vote for someone just because of the color of their skin. I remember thinking that candidates should be judged by their stance on issues, not the color of their skin. Back then I had no connection to the exuberance and pride felt by minorities, as they saw an African-american elected president. To me, a democrat was elected, and that was a failure, regardless of race.

 

A couple years after that historic election in 2008, I found myself at a Christian Community Development Association (CCDA) meeting in Aurora, IL. Over the last few years, I had been increasing my involvement in participating in strategies to help the poor here locally, and globally. While the CCDA was a “left-leaning” organization, I had a great deal of respect for them. I could resonate with many elements of their mission and vision for helping the poor here in America.

 

One of my heros in the CCDA organization, Noel Castellanos was going to be presenting at the meeting, and I was excited to get to see him in person. We did a little meet and greet in the beginning, and I got to shake his hand. That night, the audience had a much higher concentration of white, conservative attendees, that a normal CCDA meeting would have – many of whom were made aware of the event through a church in Naperville. Noel was briefed of that demographic reality before he ever got out there, and his pre-speech mingling confirmed the accuracy of the earlier briefing.

 

Noel was introduced and called up to give his spiel. He began articulating the mission and vision of CCDA – why they do what they do, how they do it, what they do, what they don’t do, etc. He intermingled a few personal stories during his presentation. One of the last stories he told, was about one of the greatest moments of his life. That moment, was being in Chicago for the acceptance speech on the night of the election of then, President-elect, Barack Obama. I remember him asking the audience, “Please hang in there with me. I know I am probably going to lose you all here when I say this, but I hope I can keep a few of you.”

 

He went out to explain the feelings of being a minority in this country, of being in situations of frustration when you are judged by what is on the outside, rather than the inside. He described the pain of the after-effects of the earlier injustices against minorities, in the higher joblessness rates, lower graduation rates, lower pay, and lack of hope and opportunity. He described the elation and joy of seeing a fellow minority, overcome all of those barriers and obstacles, and having the opportunity, and the privilege of being considered, and freely voted in as the president of the United States. He was staring off into the distance as he spoke, and I could tell he was kind of reliving that night in the current moment. He actually had tears forming in his eyes.

 

Seeing him there, dozen or so feet away from me, and seeing his reaction, and hearing the passion in his voice, enabled me to connect with him ,and that issue, in a much deeper and more meaningful way than I ever could have before.. I could feel his pain, the release of that pain, and the hope that was born in that night. My empathy and compassion for him in that moment caused tears to well up in my eyes as well. I get emotional just writing about it now, and I got emotional hearing the butler talk about that moment in the movie.

 

The butler, Noel Castellanos, and many minorities see President Obama first and foremost as a powerful role model. As a symbol that, here in America, even minorities, even people who have suffered injustice and persecution, can be lifted up, and can be judged by what is on the inside, not what is on the outside. That they can, indeed, actually “do it.” They can become anything they want to be. They can be inspired by President Obama to pursue, their dreams. They can finally believe that they are able to fully utilize and unleash all of the gifts and talents inside of them, and be judged for who they are and what they can do, rather than by their physical characteristics.

 

I can resonate with that. I can get inspired by that. I can share the joy and excitement of that, and I can respect the moment. I have learned (and it has taken years to learn) to first, seek to understand the context, and perspective of those on the other side of an issue, before rendering a judgment. To walk a mile in the shoes of those I do not agree with, before articulating my points of why my positions are right, and theirs are wrong. That has become a great blessing in my life over the years, and has even further released me to love and serve those around me. I now understand what it means to be an “advocate” for the someone, to be a champion for the under-resourced and disadvantaged.

 

I can examine an issue, and not look at the black and white, but look for the gray. I can now immerse myself in the context with compassion and empathy, and see issues as give and take, rather than right and wrong. I have come to respect the left, and the principles by which they operate. I don’t agree 100% with what is articulated by the left; but I am also freed from being a mindless, kool-aid drinking, automoton of the right as well. I can think for myself. I can finally understand the truth about any issue – issues are complex, and have pros and cons, give and take, benefits and drawbacks. The complex issues of our days cannot be 100% one way or another. We need compromise to come to a proper solution. We need more gray. We need more context and perspective. We need more compassion and empathy. Not because we are weak, but because it is the only way we will arrive at the correct conclusions.

We need less, “I win, you lose” and more, “We both win some, both lose some.” We need to completely absorb ourselves in understanding why people think differently than we do. That is the path to true enlightenment and growth. You already understand why you think you are right. Go out there and have the courage and the guts to fully comprehend and understand why others think you are wrong. If you earnestly seek the perspective of “the other side” I can promise you that you will become a different person. It will further galvanize some of your most closely held principles and beliefs, and it will open your mind to a whole new world of possibilities. The possibility that maybe you are not 100% right about every single thing. You may actually learn something, and you will likely find yourself changing your perspective on some things in the process.

I recently saw the movie World War Z. It was entertaining. While the enormity of the plot holes made it difficult for me to fully enjoy it, there was one scene that really left an impression on me. According to the movie, the Israelis utilized a strategy called the 10th man to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. Pam Ross (pamross.ca) gives a great summary of what the 10th man strategy is from her blog – In Israel, Jurgen Warmbrunn, the leader of Israel’s intelligence agency, the Mossad, tells Gerry that Israel implemented a 10th man strategy to avoid tragedies. After ignoring hints of potential attacks and being caught off guard in the past, this 10th man strategy, simply put, was that when the first 9 men at the table agreed on something, the 10th man must take the opposite point of view. In this case, Israel’s leaders had received an email mentioning a zombie attack, and while the first 9 men declared that this was nonsense, Warmbrunn was the 10th man, and began working as though this was true. By using the 10th man strategy, Israel was able to withstand the zombie apocalypse longer than other countries.

 

OK. So pause that for a moment. I have been engaging some material on Personal Leadership Effectiveness ™ since the beginning of the year both personally and professionally. One of the lessons on effective coaching talks about the importance of giving specific, meaningful compliments to those close to you, on a regular basis. Anyone who knows me knows that I am crazy about the people who are close to me in my life – my wife, my kids, my co-workers, and the close community of people that surround those relationships. I have known about the principle of complementing for decades. I truly believe deep down that I not only get the concept, but I practice it on a regular basis with those closest to me.

 

Every now and then I will have a heated discussion with one of my kids, or one of my co-workers, in which they will tell me that I have been focusing too heavily on discussing the areas where they need to improve, and too little or no focus on areas where they do well. I hear phrases like, “You aren’t proud of anything I do.” “You don’t think I do anything right,” etc. Of course, my immediate reaction is to bristle at these comments. I really believe my kids and co-workers are awesome and I am very proud of them and their accomplishments, and I could sing their praises in very specific, meaningful ways. But, as I have been reflecting on these times, it has made me realize that the people closest to me have a legitimate beef with me.

 

If I am honest in reflection, the truth is, I sometimes don’t verbally articulate the thoughts I have in my heart. I feel them, but I am not intentional about expressing them. Not out of malice, more out of habit. I rarely compliment myself or focus on my strength areas. Not because I don’t think I have any strength areas, but, because I think, why waste time on areas I am already strong? I have a limited amount of energy to expend, and I might as well focus on areas that I need to improve. So, I very simply just deal with people as I deal with myself.

 

The sad part is, that I spent most of my adult life thinking I was consistently good at this important skill, when I actually have had a great deal of room for growth and development. I have been working closely with certain co-workers for more than a dozen years, and I have missed so many opportunities to give meaningful praise and compliments. Several of my kids are either in college, or have graduated college and the amount of meaningful time with have with each other is naturally decreasing more and more as they enter adulthood and start living their lives independently. I feel some remorse that I did not maximize the opportunity of the younger years with them to fully compliment them as often as I could have. I am not saying I was a terrible father, but I am saying I missed out on some meaningful opportunities simply because I was not able to do a good enough job of being self-aware. I actually believed that since I knew something, and thought it was important, that I was naturally executing it successfully on a regular basis. I believed my own hype, and I let some precious opportunities to make a difference slip away.

 

Therein lies a major issue that has taken me almost 30 years of adult life to figure out. I am fully capable of unintentional, self-deception, especially in areas in which I have a strong sense of passion and duty. The only way I can be fully self-aware is to know that I have to go outside myself, and have meaningful conversations with those closest to me on how I am doing in areas of my character development. I don’t have the ability to manage myself without external input that is intentional, guided and directed.

 

I want to be a good husband, but I don’t ask my wife how I am doing as often as I should. I need to dedicate more extended moments of time where we are able to deeply explore the issue. of how well I am doing being a husband – where am I doing well, where can I do better, how can she feel comfortable helping me recognize when I am failing in an area. If I had the intentional process of holding myself accountable to 10:1 positive comments to negative ones with my co-workers on a weekly basis, who knows what kind of positive impact that would have had in so many areas. If I had regular reminders and monitors around my discussions with my kids to hold me accountable to the complementing principle, all the time, it may have made it easier for them to handle some of the more difficult times in their lives.

 

Again, I don’t feel like I was a total failure in any of those relationships, but, I know I could have been better. I want to be better, and I now have some process and framework in my life to make sure I am getting better on a regular basis. I liken it to the 10th man strategy. If I seems like I no-brainer to me that I am doing something right because I am so passionate about it, I need to be willing to ask the question, “Am I really doing it?” I need to be open to the possibility that maybe I am not doing it, or at least not doing it as well as I want to do it. I need to be willing to explore the 10th man perspective, especially in areas that I think I have it all together. That is where the 10th man strategy is most valuable – when the odds of a scenario occurring seem ridiculously small, but, the scenario actually occurs.

 

The bible says it this way, If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall – 1 Cor 10:12 (NLT). That is the God’s version of the 10th man strategy. This is about my earnest desire to always be the best I can be, and my willingness to admit that I can always do better. I desire to be in a state of constant learning and sensitivity so I know how I can be better at every point in my life. So, even watching a zombie movie can motivate me to become a better man. Of course, seeing any movie starring Brad Pitt puts me in a position of self-reflection on the state of my manhood 🙂