Unleash The Masterpiece

Abundant Sex – Part Three – Mentoring and Hang Time

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Welcome back to abundant sex blog number three – mentoring!

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Last time we discussed the importance of building everything in your life, especially romantic love and sexual intimacy, on a solid foundation of tried-and-true principles. We learned that principles develop the fully unique and individualistically creative expression of romantic love and sexual intimacy. It is the dummies books, the formulaic, the 1-2-3 guides that create the restrictions, the boredom, the mediocre in our lives.

 

So, principles are the foundation.

 

First principle: You need mentors and mentoring.

 

You need that in every aspect of your life, especially for romantic love and sexual intimacy. We are not talking about anything creepy – no soft-core training videos, we’re not inviting anyone into our bedrooms. None of that. There are much more effective and healthy forms of mentoring than that.

 

What do I mean by mentors AND mentoring? There are actually three parts to it:

  • You need to be in mentoring relationships with those who have significantly more experience than you do in long-term, joyful, mutually satisfying, romantic relationships.
  • You need to be in what I call mutual mentoring relationships where you are in co-mentoring relationships with those who have a similar level of life/relationship experience as you do. Friends, neighbors, people you would hang with on a semi-regular basis
  • You need to be in mentoring relationships with those who have significantly less experience than you do in romantic relationships.

 

You need all three, and for most people, for most couples, it will be difficult to find, develop and maintain each of those three types of mentoring relationships. Often times it will be very difficult. But, it’s the hard that makes it great. (again, no pun intended)

 

My wife Vicky and I were non-practicing Catholics when we got engaged. The priest at the local Church we wanted to get married at, recommended/required Catholic premarital counseling called Pre Cana. Vicky was 20 and I was 22. Our weekly Pre Cana class had about 5 other engaged couples in it of varying ages. The leader of the weekly class, much to our surprise, was a married couple. One who was married for about 10 years, maybe a little more, and they had 3 or 4 kids.

 

The weekly sessions were often awkward, especially at first. The topic of conversation included things like: finances, babysitting, date nights, dinner and dishes, toilet seats, taking care of the kids, shopping, cuddling, foreplay, nude dancing, org*sms and the different ways men and women experience them – pre, during and post org*sm (which included some pretty funny charts and graphs), sexual fulfilment of men vs women, some specifics on sexual activity, you name it.

 

It was pretty embarrassing at times – but it was extremely valuable and informative. The truth is, those classes, or more specifically, the investment of that couple into our lives for those eight weeks or so, has made, and continues to make a HUGE DIFFERENCE in our marriage to this day. The beginnings and foundations of many of the healthier habits and perspectives we have in our marriage as a whole, including romantic love and sexual intimacy, are a direct result of that couple’s investment in us.

 

Doing it in a group setting was very awkward and embarrassing at times, but, the dynamic created resulted in questions being asked and answered that would never have been asked or answered in a more one-on-one format. Opinions were shared, stories were shared. Hopes and dreams were shared. The interactions between the other couples being invested in were a huge part of the success of the experience.

 

You will not be anywhere near as successful in any areas of your life – especially one as difficult and important as long lasting romantic love and meaningful physical and sexual intimacy – without the three types of mentoring.

 

Now, it is important to state another principle. Only take advice from those who you would like to be like. I remember working out with my cousin, who is probably one of the biggest, strongest guys I have ever met in my life.  I remember this annoying, skinny, weak, know-it-all coming up to him and giving him some advice on body-building. My cousin, who also has the gift of blunt and direct communication, said, “If I want a body like yours, then I will take advice from you. I don’t like the way your body looks. I don’t like how weak you are. So I will never take advice from you on bodybuilding”

 

Ouch! But, it’s true. If you ever have to choose between taking football passing advice from me or Peyton Manning, you know what to do. Do not allow yourself to be advised, to have your thinking shaped and moulded, by those who do not have a life, or component of life that you desire to duplicate.

 

Getting advice on meaningful sexual intimacy from pornographic movies, books, videos, magazines, whatever, is not going to create the thinking, habits, speech and behaviors that create meaningful sexual intimacy. It should be a no-brainer.

 

Taking romantic advice from your friends who have gone from relationship to relationship, or who have less than stellar relationships and marriage themselves does not make sense. That doesn’t mean you don’t like them or respect those people as individuals and friends. You just do not let them cross the healthy boundary of moulding and shaping your experience in an area of life that they are not qualified to advise you in.

 

Don’t take investment advice from people who a broke or career advice from people who work taco-filling station at Taco Bell.

 

Add up all of the discretionary free time you have, the activities you have engaged in, and the people you have hung out with. If you cannot identify more than 50% of those activities to include people who have life competencies that you desire to have in your life, you need to change who you hang out with.

 

If you are a girl and spend most of your time hanging out with man-hating women, man-loving women, or women in lousy relationships guess what? That is going to affect your relationship with your significant other.

 

If you are a guy and spend a big chunk of your time with guys that objectify women and are out looking for one thing, not faithful to their significant relationships, going to strip clubs, and not experiencing mutually fulfilling and respectful romantic love and sexual intimacy in their lives, then you will become more like them. It’s the principle of gravitational attraction.

 

This is where it gets really difficult. I am not saying that you cannot associate with anyone, ever who does not share your same dream for romantic love and sexual intimacy.

 

I am saying that a simple rule of thumb is the 50% rule. If more than 50% of the content you consume, the people you hang out with, and/or the activities you do are not uplifting your dream for romantic love and sexual intimacy, YOU NEED TO CHANGE THAT – AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE!

 

That’s not easy. It may mean developing some new friendships and cooling off some existing ones. It may mean finding some different hobbies or ways to have fun, with or without your significant other. It may mean getting serious about a pornography addiction. It may even mean finding a different career or vocation. How important is a healthy romantic relationship to you?

 

Like I said, this is not easy. This is precisely why so many people have mediocre-at-best long-term romantic love and sexual intimacy. They do not invest in it daily and they do not prioritize it in their relationships, activities and thought life.

 

You are not going to be a world-class athlete without discipline, hard-work, making difficult priority calls, aggressively seeking the best coaching, the best teammates  and the best environment.

 

You are not going to have abundant, world-class romantic love and sexual intimacy without the same effort and process in those specific areas. Period. The choice is yours.

 

This applies to each of the three areas.

 

One: You need to get to know people and intentionally put yourself in the path of people who have been HAPPILY married for much longer than you, and have marriages that you would really like to imitate, AND ARE WILLING TO mentor you. Do you think that will be easy to do? (Answer: most likely not) Are you praying for it? Are you asking around? Are you researching?

 

Two: Are you intentionally spending at least 50% of your hangout time with people who have similar dreams, goals, and aspirations for their romantic relationships and sexual intimacy? If not, go get some new friends who do and hang out with them instead. Do you think this will be easy to do? (Answer: most likely not) Are you praying for it? Are you asking around? Are  you doing embarrassing things like Meet-up to find new friends? Are you making yourself available to be the right friend in order to find the right friends?

 

Three: Are you intentionally investing in people with less experience than you, partially with the agenda that you want to be a role-model for them? Do you think that will be easy to do? Do you think it might be a little awkward in the beginning? (Answer: heck yeah it will be)

 

Allow me to let you in on a little secret – if you would like to be good at something – TEACH IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. You will learn a ton and get much better at it yourself in the process! It will benefit you more than it benefits the people you are teaching.

 

I used to substitute teach Calculus and advanced math classes at a local junior college. The most difficult part was having to re-learn the material every time. For me to do a good job, not embarrass myself and not waste the students’ time, I had to know the topic better than they did.

 

That is the hidden benefit – The-Bono-from-U2-Karma principle. Investing in people, with less experience than you – hanging out and doing peer mentoring to benefit others –  will actually benefit you more every time. I guarantee it.

 

This solid mentoring regimen includes all three aspects in terms of live, one-on-one, personal relationships. But it also includes content – books, audio, video, conference, Pre Cana classes, individual marriage counseling, group marriage counseling, engagement counseling, premarital group counseling, courses, seminars, etc. These content-centric and group-centric activities provide SUPPORT, BACKGROUND and STRUCTURE for the live, one-on-one, personal relationships. They ARE NOT A SUBSTITUTE OR A REPLACEMENT for them.

 

So yeah, it’s getting a little less fun and a little more serious – but that’s life in the big city. If it was easy, everyone would be experience abundant sex in the context of long-term, happy, mutually satisfying, romantic relationships. Unfortunately, examples of those doing it well for decades with the same person, are in short supply. That is because it is very difficult to do. It will cost you something – but it’s a price worth paying!! Trust me!

 

Check our principle number two coming soon!

 

 

Abundant Sex – Part Two – The Foundation

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Welcome back to abundant sex. Last time we discussed that God, the creator of sex, wants us to experience an abundant, awesome sex life. When you do sexual intimacy the way God designed it to be done, it will be so good that movie stars, rock stars and sports stars be like, “Dang, that couple is having some amazing sex! I’m so jeal-ey!!”

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In this post we will discuss how to build romantic love and sexual intimacy on a solid foundation. If you want to build something to last, it’s gotta be built on a foundation that is deep, structurally sound, and will not move or shift over time.

 

Many of us of seen, in one form or another, a physical foundation – most likely in the walls of our crawl space or basement – or in the piers of a deck, or, well, the piers of a pier 🙂

 

But what does a non-physical foundation look like? A mental, spiritual, emotional, romantic foundation? What makes that kind of foundation strong and able to withstand the test of time? Thanks for asking. The answer is – principles.

 

Here are a few examples of principles in action. First from the business world. From the book on entrepreneurship, Zero to One, by Peter Thiel,

 

The paradox of teaching entrepreneurship is that such a formula necessarily cannot exist; because every innovation is new and unique, no authority can prescribe in concrete terms how to be innovative. Indeed, the single most powerful pattern I have noticed is that successful entrepreneurs find value in unexpected places, and they do this by thinking about business first from principles instead of formulas.

 

We all want formulas. We want the dummies book for everything. Formulas are passive, take out much of the guess work and make things easier – unfortunately – they kill creativity and unique expression.

 

Principles on the other hand are active. They require individual engagement and hard work in order to incorporate them to a meaningful extent.

 

Think of some business principles.

 

Buy Low and Sell High.

Supply and Demand

 

How long have those been around? How about Warren Buffett’s foundational investing principle that made him a billionaire:

Rule #1 – Don’t Lose Money.

 

 

Another example of something built on a solid foundation of principles – the cell phone. All cell phones are based on the engineering principle of the propagation of electromagnetic waves in free space. This principle was developed hundreds of years ago by super-smart scientists – long before we had the creative expression of technology to actually do anything with it. Fist came radios, then television, then radar, microwaves and finally cell phones. All based on the same foundational principle.

 

What do these examples tell us about principles?

 

  • Principles are typically old – often very old. They are usually tried, tested, and verified by many people over decades, centuries or even millennia.

 

  • Principles are generally true for all time and are generally true in all contexts. If you see a principle that once was true and no longer is, or is not true in some contexts, then it was probably never a real principle to start with

 

  • Principles require active, ongoing engagement for successful implementation.

 

Active engagement with principles can be defined as follows:

 

  • Ask
    • You need the desire to live by certain principles – you need to ask for them
  • Listen
    • You need to listen to trusted sources for the principles you are asking for
  • Understand
    • You need to make sure you have enough understanding of the principle to begin a successful engagement with it
  • Apply
    • You need to apply the principle in your life – regularly – monthly, weekly, daily, hourly. Application is personal, practical engagement. It takes hard work and frequent practice.
  • Feedback
    • You need feedback, external feedback from others on how well you are following that principle. You do not know what you don’t know. It helps greatly if those people giving you feedback are recognized as successfully engaging the principle you are asking for feedback on.

 

If you are not actively engaging principles using the five methods described above, those principles will never become a solid foundation for you.

 

If you choose to look for formulas instead of principles – the easy way out – things may not go very well for you. Formulas create assembly lines that are boring, tiresome, nothing to look forward to, and to some extent, enslaving.

 

Principles on the other hand can create amazing diversity. Go back to cell phones. The principle of the propagation of electromagnetic waves has created iPhones, Androids, Samsung Galaxies, Phablets like the Galaxy Note (sorry, I’m an android guy!). That is incredible diversity and exciting implementation that has artistic value in addition to amazing utility.

 

Think about the principles that result in successful entrepreneurs. The fruit of their labor has created – microfinance, technology start-ups, etc. These have changed our lives – and changed the world. Incredibly diverse, creative and meaningful.

 

If formulas can enslave us – principles can free us. In other words, principles can help us to unleash the unique masterpiece that we have been created to be in every aspect of our lives – including sexual intimacy and romantic love.

 

Engaging the principles of deep romantic love and abundant sex with creativity and hard work will result in a unique, romantic masterpiece – a one-of-a kind work of art that will be fulfilling and will inspire others.


What are some of the foundational principles of abundant romantic love / abundant sexual intimacy? Tune in for the next couple blogs!!

Abundant Sex!!

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No he didn’t! Yes I did! A blog on sex! It’s been a long time in the coming. My oldest son gets married on March 28, so, the old man’s gotta impart some wisdom, why not do it publicly so everyone, everywhere can benefit?!?! The clock is ticking!

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Seriously though, romantic love is super important – it plays a part in most everyone’s life. Of course, romantic love includes things besides sex itself. Non-sexual, physical touch, hand-holding, cuddling, snuggling, etc. Non-sexual, romantic love is super important, and I will dig into that more in later posts, but for right now the focus of this post will be sexual intimacy!

 

Additionally, this post will primarily represent the male perspective on sex. That is not to say that I will not try to represent both sides. I have 3 grown daughters and have been married 25 years myself, so I am capable of representing more of the female perspective than many are 🙂 Of course, within the male or female category, views on the importance and role of sexual intimacy can vary widely. It is an intensely personal topic and experience. This post is not meant to say that sex has to be anything, nothing or everything. Your personal perspective is valuable and important. I am simply sharing my thoughts and perspectives.

 

For some, sexual intimacy has been mostly a positive experience – for others it has come with some pain and maybe even deep emotional scars and wounding.

 

Followers of Jesus have left such a void when it comes to discussing the awesomeness of sex – and that void is being and will continue to be filled – usually with cheap, imitation, generic sexual intimacy knock-offs. That is why I am writing this. There is not enough positive talk coming out of the so-called “Christian camp” on this important topic; and, I am tired of that void being filled without considering the perspective of the inventor of sex.

 

God invented sex. God invented the org*sm (don’t want content filters to block this post!). God invented it. He designed it. He designed sexual intimacy, sexual pleasure, arousal, all of it. In fact, the best of what we have now is “Plan B” sex. The original design for sex and org*sms was probably much better in its perfected form than it is now – if you can believe that?!

 

Not only did God create sex, but he wants it to be awesome. God made sex to be a part of life for many of us. Jesus came so that we can have an abundant life. Sex is a part of life for many of us. So, for those of us whom sex is a legitimate part of our abundant living, Jesus came that we might have an abundant sex-life, and have it to the full! The NLT version says Jesus came to give us a rich and satisfying life – guess what? That includes a rich and satisfying sex life for us married folk. It’s true! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

 

God created the sexual intimacy between a man and woman to be a description – an illustration- of the love between Christ and the church.

 

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. – Ephesians 5

 

Paul doesn’t mean anything weird or perverted by that. He is saying that, the depth of intimacy that is shared between a couple, madly in love, deeply committed to each other, experiencing sexual intimacy at it’s fullest – that depth of intimacy, relationship, love, vulnerability – is just a small foreshadowing – a small glimpse of the love and depth of connection that Jesus desires to have with each of us (the church – ecclesia – the people of God). Again, not in a weird way.

 

One of the most intimate connections we can experience as human beings is meant to give us a small glimpse of what God’s love is like. That is so awesome!!!

 

God wants this illustration to be experienced, experienced well, and experienced often. Of course, like anything else in life, a rich, meaningful, mutually satisfying sexual intimacy requires effort to achieve and maintain. It doesn’t just happen.

 

It also requires some rules and boundaries. Imagine a football game with absolutely no rules or boundaries. Or baseball, tennis, soccer, hockey – you name the sport. What if all of the players did whatever they wanted to do and there were no rules or boundaries? Sports would lose all of its fun and meaning. The rules and boundaries create the framework for the expression of the athlete and the joy of the experience. Sex is no different. Actually, everything in life is no different. A big chunk of the fun and enjoyment of anything comes with rules and boundaries.

 

This deepest expression of physical intimacy is meant to be an overflow of spiritual and emotional intimacy between two people – within a set of healthy rules and boundaries. Experts say the biggest sex organ in your body is your brain (despite what your husband may tell you). I would extend that to say – your heart / mind / soul is actually the biggest sex organ in your body – and the most important.

 

The union of physical, emotional, relational and spiritual intimacy, within the proper boundaries, creates a mind-blowing sexual intimacy that few get to experience – mostly because they forget, or have never learned about the non-physical aspects of intimacy; and/or, never fully understood or respected the well-designed boundaries.

 

If you have been married, 25 days or 25 years, you should be experiencing, mutually satisfying, mind-blowing sexual intimacy as often as you like – every day even – if that works for both of you.

 

Experiencing this level of intimacy between two people, living their daily lives in the real world, takes hard work. Like Tom Hanks says in A League of Their Own – it’s the hard that makes it great! – no pun intended! Great sex starts in the soul, the mind, the heart, the spirit and culminates in physical intimacy – on a playing field with well-defined rules and boundaries.

 

How might one accomplish this task you may ask? Well, tune it for future posts! One blog post is not going to cut. We’re not talking about re-post, or even a three-post. We are talking about a minimum 8-post on experiencing incredible sexual intimacy. Well, maybe not 8, but more than a couple! Yes!

Am I living the Abundant Life?

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I remember meeting with an influential friend of mine a while back. He was a well-recognized minister to the high-capacity, influential people. I had been requesting some hangout time with him and it took months to finally get on his schedule. I was hoping he would see something in me that would move him to invest some more of his time in me on a regular basis. After the initial pleasantries, I recall him looking across the table from me and asking, “But what exactly is it that you do that makes you feel like you are giving God your best?”

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I answered, “I consciously invite God into most moments of my day, and surrender to him. If I am thinking in a prideful, selfish, angry, negative or lazy way, I surrender that to him. If I am thinking negative about a co-worker, customer, my spouse, child, friend, etc., I surrender that to him. I seek direction for words and actions throughout the day, and when my head hits the pillow at night and I reflect on my day, I feel that for the most part, I have followed Jesus and that I have done what I was supposed to do that day. I feel, for the most part, that I am doing what God wants me to do in my everyday life.”

 

He flashed a smirk as I finished speaking. He looked at me and said, “Yeah, but, look at the scope of your influence. How many people do you really influence every day? I work with people who are speaking to hundreds and thousands. People who run companies worth tens and hundreds of millions of dollars. If I invest in those people, I get a huge return on my investment.” He went on to conclude that, because my business was small, and my influence was primarily family and close friends, I was kind of average in God’s eyes. Not worth the investment of a mentor to high-capacity people. It wasn’t done in a mean-spirited way. It was kind of an honest, “I don’t see a good fit here” moment. And, he was right. It wasn’t a good fit for either of us.

 

I walked away from that meeting with a strange sense of peace and confirmation. I have long pondered what the evidence for a “high-capacity” life looked like. Is it big numbers? Is it speaking on stage at conferences? Writing books? Leading large organizations, be it businesses, non-profits or churches? How will I know when I have arrived at high-capacity? I feel like God wants me to be “high-capacity” so I need to understand what the evidence of that would look like in my life, so that I can measure my progress towards that goal, get better, and finally make it one day.

 

Of course, when I go to God in prayer and ask for a “high-capacity” life, and meditate in his word, I am gently led away from such language. Jesus leads me to desire an “abundant life.” He talks about this in John 10:

 

  • I have come so that they (Bob Clinkert) may have life, and have it more abundantly – (NKJV).
  • My purpose is to give them (Bob Clinkert) a rich and satisfying life – (NLT).
  • I have come that they (Bob Clinkert) may have life, and have it to the full – (NIV).
  • I came so they (Bob Clinkert) can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they (Bob Clinkert)  ever dreamed of – (MSG).

 

So, Jesus came for the purpose of me having an abundant life. Like when Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber said to the waiter when he asked about the Soup Du Jour – “That sounds good. I’ll have that.” The abundant life sounds good. I’ll have that. But, how exactly do I get it, and just as important, how do I know when I have it so I can celebrate and stop looking for it? I have been pursuing those questions in my life for decades now. I’ve done in depth study of the Greek and Hebrew biblical text. I have studied science and the Bible. I have tried fasting and meditation. I have gotten heavily involved in leadership in my church, in the community, in local mission work, in global mission work, etc. I’ve invested a ton in being a good spouse and father. But, the abundant life has seemingly eluded me in all of that.

 

I am not alone in my exasperation with the desperate quest for the abundant life. Most everyone I know is on a similar quest – young and old, rich and poor, “high and low capacity,” religious and non-religious, etc. I remember praying one night and hearing the still small voice say, “What if you are searching for the wrong thing? Looking for the wrong evidence?” Huh. Is it possible that I have been wrong all along about the high-capacity thing? Is it possible that my definition of abundant and full life was the one given to me by the culture rather than the true definition given by God?

 

It’s seemed so obvious in that moment. The first will be last, the last will be first. The small are great and the great are small. The woman who gave two pennies gave much more money than those who gave millions. If you wish to be a leader become the servant of all. Love your enemies. Turn the other cheek. Go the extra mile. Most things in God’s kingdom run almost entirely opposite to the cultural definitions.

 

What if the high-capacity life wasn’t entirely about more of things the culture sees as valuable? What if it wasn’t about entirely about bigger crowds, bigger stages, bigger platforms? What if it wasn’t entirely about a stress free life full of happiness and devoid of pain and suffering? What if all of those things could be present, or could not be present, in the abundant life? What if those things were not the rock solid evidence of it? What if you took two mega stars with huge platforms and crowds, and one of them was living the abundant life, and one was not? How could you tell the difference?

 

One of the most profound “opposites” of Jesus is that you must become like a little child to enter the kingdom. I have come to discover that “becoming like a little child” means is continual surrender to God on a daily, hourly, moment to moment basis. Children are entirely controlled by the adults in their lives – and a big chunk of what they really want to do – eat too much candy, stay up late, skip school, not brush their teeth, play all day, have the toys they want – they do not get.

 

As I have been inviting Jesus’ control into every minute of my life, every thought, every word, every action, my life has begun to change tremendously on the inside. At the same time, I still think things I shouldn’t think, say things I shouldn’t say, and do things I shouldn’t do. I still experience some amount of frustration, sadness, depression, anger and feelings of worthlessness on a daily basis. I still feel defeated. I still have some significant issues I am struggling with in the lives of my kids and close friends. I still have issues in my business and with my partners, co-workers and customers.

 

In all of this, I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes, “Jesus didn’t come to make us safe. He came to make us brave.” The difference in my life, the major evidence of the abundance in my life, is the way in which I see my struggles – not the absence of them. I embrace my struggles. I am thankful for them. I want to do well in them. I no longer ask for removal of struggles. I pray that I may reflect the character of God in my struggles. I see my struggles and difficulties as proof of a full and abundant life.

 

Now, that is not to say that I do not have a lot of fun along the way. I thoroughly enjoy my life – in the midst of the ups AND downs. Only few people truly know all of my struggles and issues I deal with every day – but I am filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding deep within my core. I still panic at times – but it is short-lived, and does not go as deep as it once did.

 

I also have faith. Faith that I am also living a “high-capacity” life despite the evidence some of the high-capacity gurus out there might throw at me. God is responsible to bring fruit through my obedience. Period. When I try too hard to make the fruit myself – that is when I fail the biggest. And not only me, but every single “hero” and “high-capacity” person in the Bible. When they try to do the God-part in their lives they fail miserably – whether it’s Abraham trying to make the baby thing happen or Peter slashing an ear trying to make his version of the revolution happen.

 

My obedience, in the daily moments of my life, make a huge difference in God’s kingdom – even when I do not perceive them to. I am God’s Masterpiece – created anew in Christ Jesus to do the good works God has prepared in advance for me to do. I have come to discover that what I perceive to be good works, and what I perceive to be high-capacity, and what God sees as high-capacity, and good works, are often two completely different things – and, doesn’t that make sense that they would be? I am after all not God. His thoughts are not my thoughts. As high as the heavens are above the earth is how much higher God’s thoughts are than mine.

 

I am living a pretty cool story – but I have the confident faith that I only see a small portion of the story I am living. The story I do not see, the story I do not know about, would blow me away. Not because I am awesome, but because God takes my two fish and five loaves and multiplies it by the thousands. I am living the abundant life right now. If I die today, and I am never on the world stage, never make Oprah, and never get named Time’s person on the year, I have already lived an abundant life – because I have chosen childlike, humble obedience. It’s not the lack of, or the presence of a big platform. It’s the ongoing surrender of my life to God. On the world stage or in the obscurity of my family room. It’s the inside of the cup, not the outside, that makes it clean.

 

I am right where God wants me to be, living the abundant life of his Masterpiece – because I am surrendered to him in my daily thoughts, dreams, speech and actions. Not perfect, just surrendered. My struggles, depression, laughter and silliness are the evidence of my abundant life. I want the abundant masterpiece for the rest of my life, I want to spend my life helping those I influence realize the abundant masterpiece for their lives as well.

Coming clean – I have an addiction…

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I have been diligently seeking what it means to “unleash the masterpiece” in my own life and the lives of those I care about – which extends out from my family and immediate friends to the community and world around me.  surrenderSmall

 

I have learned that there are many external factors that can be barriers to “unleashing the masterpiece” in one’s life. These include but are not limited to: physical slavery, economic slavery, racial bias, lack of physical resources to provide for the daily needs, lack of access to mentors/role-models, education, training, networks, etc.

 

I believe there are many ways we can come together and make significant strides in each of these areas on a progressive, ongoing basis. I love brainstorming, executing and measuring results to get better next time around with all of these things.

 

However, I have come to discover that the foundation for “unleashing the masterpiece” comes from within – it’s an internal battle we all face daily – and it is not what we would expect it to be.

 

The “within” or “internal battle” I am talking about is the moment by moment control of our lives – our thoughts, attitudes, words and action. Each of us have two choices we will make every moment of every day until we die

 

  1. We are in charge of our lives – what we think, say and do on a moment to moment basis
  2. We surrender control of our lives to God (and others we trust on the journey) – we surrender what we think, say and do on a moment to moment basis.

 

You can have a million consecutive, successive moments of surrendering control in your life, and then experience a couple moments of wrestling that control back, and completely blow up your life in a NEGATIVE way. Fully constraining the “unleashing of your masterpiece”

 

On the flipside, you can have millions of consecutive, successive moments of NOT surrendering and being the god of your life, and then experience a couple moments of surrendering that control to God (and others you trust on the journey) and completely blow up your life in a POSITIVE way. Fully “unleashing your masterpiece” in those moments of surrender.

 

That is very powerful. I want to dedicate my life to removing the external barriers to “unleashing our masterpiece” – but at the same time I want to double-down on fighting the internal battle myself and helping others do the same.

 

We are all addicted to being our own gods for our own lives. It will never go away. We need the same 12 steps that physical addicts need – we need the same recovery.

 

Hi, I’m Bob. I am addicted to being god in my life.

 

I need help.

 

I will go to my grave with this condition.

 

I can only mitigate it with ongoing surrender and the loving support of others who care about me!

 

 

Chief Memory Officer – Be intentional about making memories

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Last Sunday night, my 8th grader, Michael, comes to me and asks, “Hey Dad, Bobby (his 23 yr old brother) wants to take me out at midnight tonight to buy the new Call of Duty game so we can play it together. Can I go?” The rest of this post discusses how we make these kinds of decisions as a family, and why we make them. Why a seemingly preposterous question like that would even be asked and entertained in the first place.

 

I just recently heard one of the best descriptions for one of the roles successful parents play well – the role of CMO or Chief Memory Officer.  cod

 

Due to some undeserved genetic wiring formed in the womb, this role has always come super easy to me. The wild and crazy in me often manifests itself by creating some pretty unique and special memories.

 

Back when my two oldest kids had fun hanging out with just dad, and didn’t need any friends along, we used to do dollar bowling together. The only problem is, dollar bowling was during a school night, from like 10PM to midnight. So, I made a deal with my kids. If you get your homework done right after school, and take a 2-3 hour nap, and your grades and performance in school don’t suffer, we can do the midnight bowling every week. That ended up being a pretty great memory – and also made other people think we were crazy.

 

I remember driving my oldest daughter and her friends to school, and telling them that if they could name 10 current Bears players before we got to the school, I would try to convince their parents to give them a special day off. Sure enough, they were able to get ten players named, and I had to make some pretty awkward phone calls to parents I didn’t know. Fortunately, they all agreed and we had another awesome memory in the making.

 

The list goes on. Some of the memories are crazier and grander than others, but all of them have been so very important in creating a healthy perspective of life, family, work and play. Balance in life is so important. I have been a leader of students in many different capacities for the last decade and more. So many students have a myopic and unbalanced view of “success.”

 

Everyone deserves a break. Grades and school are important, but so often they become “gods” that are worshipped above all else – especially in the lives of conservative Christian parents. School., school, school. Grades, grades, grades, College, etc.

 

Of course, we take school very seriously. We expect maximum effort as a family. If you are capable of an A and you get a B, you are going to be in more trouble than if a C is the best you can do with maximum effort and you get a C. That’s just how it’s always been in our house. We value school and education. I have a Master’s degree and was a National Merit Scholar top 1/4% finisher, etc. I love education and knocked it out of the park. But we have to make sure we do not worship it. Creating memories is sometimes more important than the routine of school.

 

When Michael asked me about the Call of Duty release night idea, I asked a few important questions. How are your grades? All A’s and B’s. How many classes would you miss in the morning? OK, do you have any tests in those classes? Any projects due? No. OK. How late will you stay up? 2AM. OK Wake up  at 10:00 leave for school at 10:30. We knew what classes he would miss, which ones he would make, and how/what he is doing in all of them.

 

Michael’s older brother Bobby is getting married next March, and will be moving out. What a great opportunity to make a special memory with his older brother before he is no longer around on a daily basis. This opportunity was too good for us to pass up. Michael is doing well in school, has a history of good grades, has a history of good leadership in school, athletics and church. Why not reward that behavior?

 

Rewarding good behavior in immediate, tangible, memorable ways is one great way to reinforce good behavior. Not all kids are academically gifted enough to be able to spontaneously miss days of school on a regular basis. Some of our kids were not. If the grades aren’t there, if the history isn’t there to recover from missed days of school, then we, as parents, worked out different ways to make memories – and/or we worked closely with the teachers to make sure the missed special day did not create a chain-reaction of pain later on.

 

I have done a couple all night movie marathons with Jon Woz. We have done a bunch of midnight movie showings as a family on school days. We’ve done short little day trips, etc. We’ve created some very unique memories in a responsible way – working with the grain – as it were – of each of our individual children.

 

The Call of Duty release night party was a smashing success. Both Bobby and Michael will remember it for the rest of their lives. Michael is caught up in school – no lingering effects of the day off. Bobby did fine at work the next day, and the routine of life continues. School, grades, academics, are very important and they always will be; but, people are more important than school, family is more important than grades.

 

Your kids will move out and leave the house one day. It will happen. Give them a great education and a foundation on which to build a successful life. Make sure that foundation has a little crazy fun built into as well. Make some memories. One of the most important roles you will play as a parent is Chief Memory Officer. Do it well!

 

My Church Rocks!

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I just got done attending service at my home church, Community Christian Church in Naperville, IL (Community). My family and I have been “on mission” with Community for more than 20 years now. It has been a great journey so far and I am excited about where the journey is heading in the future.   ccc

 

In the latest service, the message was the third in a series on “directions”. This theme for this message was “outward” – putting the needs of of others before the needs of your own. The primary Biblical text was from John 13 – Jesus washing the disciples feet.

 

As is usually the case, I found myself significantly challenged spiritually and practically. We were admonished to make serving others a priority in our lives – in our families, with our friends, in our workplaces, our church, and in our communities both locally and globally.

 

We had just recently finished up our annual “Celebration Generosity” where we as a church gave away an entire week’s offering to four outreach organizations that are changing the world through serving others. Over the last several years, we at Community have given away millions of dollars to these four teams.

 

This last Sunday (Oct 26, 2014), the 13 campuses of Community sponsored more than 400 children in the programs of Compassion International. During the weekend services, we got to hear live personal stories from two graduates of the program. A lady named Kiwi from the Philippines shared her story at the main service Sunday morning; and, a young man named Jey from Kenya shared his story at the evening Student Community service. The stories were incredibly inspiring. It is amazing how such a seemingly small effort on our part can make such a huge difference in the life of a suffering child with no hope.

 

Sitting in the auditorium that morning, I realized that I was surrounded by some long-time followers of Jesus, those who are still figuring out who Jesus is, and everyone in between. I was struck by the multi-faceted impact that was happening in that one-hour service. So many different people were being impacted in so many different ways – all of which will all lead to so many different and significant outcomes to bring God’s love up close and personal to those around us.

 

All of this got me thinking about the internal and external criticism sometimes levied against Christian churches. While I cannot speak for most churches, I can definitely speak about my 20 years of experience at Community. From my participation and observation of the last 20 plus years, I have come to these conclusion about my Christian church – Community:

 

  • The weekend “seeker friendly” services
    • Challenge me spiritually and practically week in and week out
    • Bring in hundreds if not thousands of people every year from the community who are genuinely seeking to understand God better
  • The local instantiation of this particular local church institution:
    • Envisions, equips and mobilizes community transformation at local, regional and international levels
    • Actively engages and challenges it’s people to grow and develop in their spiritual faith and community-impacting servant-leadership.
    • Substantially impacts the youth – toddlers, elementary, jr high and high school students from the church body and the surrounding local communities.
    • Provides a brick and mortar “third place” structure to support many individual, group and community development meetings, gatherings and projects.
    • Provides a conduit for channeling resources of time, expertise and money to local, regional and community non-profits, NGOs, and outreach-focused organizations.

 

  • The formal church staff
    • Models vulnerability, transparency and accountability on an ongoing basis.

 

The idea of church that is “seeker friendly” is still very relevant. As it turns out, there are still many people outside the church who identify “church” as a place to seek after God. My local church, provides highly visible and engaging physical spaces as well as attractive and safe environments to get to know God in a more personal way.

 

This is the secret sauce of the “seeker friendly” church. As people live life and wish to experience God to a greater extent, the cultural programming inside of them recognizes “church” as a legitimate vehicle to get them there. Community Christian steps up to the plate and creates an incredibly effective, welcoming environment for people to take those first few steps back to God.

 

The job of the church (small c) – the institution, the building, the staff – is to attract, engage, envision, equip and mobilize “The Church” (big C) – which is everyone who is following Jesus.

 

The job of “The Church” (big C) is to “be on mission” helping people find their way back to God and discipling everyone. That is big C Church’s job to actually do and carry out – not “little c” church’s.

 

One does not have to look too hard to find “little c” churches that have significant issues with the senior staff, the messaging, the services, etc. There is no doubt about that.

 

However, there are many “little c” churches that totally rock! That are doing the right things, for the right reasons. That are advancing the sacrificial love of God in their local and global communities.

 

Community is one of those “little c” churches that is rocking their mission; that is getting it done consistently well – and getting better at it.

 

In “little c” churches that rock, that are getting their mission done, the onus for exponential world change falls on the “big C” Church – you and me – the followers of Jesus. The so-called “lay people.” The “big C” Church is often the limiting factor in “little c” churches that rock. Here are some examples:

 

Every week Community puts dozens of people who are actively seeking a relationship with God in close proximity with the people of the “big C” Church. The pastor’s job is not to form discipling relationships with every one of the new people seeking God that show up on a weekly basis. That’s our job as the “big C” Church. And yet, many “big C” Church folk (Churchers) would rather hang out with their close friends whom they are comfortable with than talk to “strangers.” Many of us “big C” Churchers would rather get home to watch the Bears game. As a small example, I personally know where the side doors are so I can get out of church fast and limit the amount of interaction I have do with people. How lame is that!?

 

Every week Community provides numerous opportunities to develop spiritually with other followers of Jesus. Many of us “big C” Churchers would rather make small talk, see a movie or some other entertainment based activity so we can avoid difficult and challenging personal conversations. It’s too taxing emotionally and mentally to be intentionally about growing spiritually most of the time.

 

Every week Community provides opportunity to serve other people in our local and global communities as we “reach out”. Many of us “big C” Churchers have way too many other priorities – especially for the relationally/time intensive opportunities for outreach. Instead of going deep, let’s pack some food for an hour, or hand  out some Christmas gifts for an a couple hours and broom-out without having to get into any uncomfortable relational discussions. Let me be clear: the problem here isn’t packing food or distributing Christmas gifts…the problem here is the lack of the same level of participation in the more relationally difficult and personally “costly” outreach efforts.

 

The “little c” church exists to attract, engage, envision, equip and mobilize – people. The people who attend the “little c” church have the ultimate onus for the world-changing impact of spreading the sacrificial love of Jesus in our communities. If “we” as the community within Community Christian Church do not do what we are supposed to do, the “mission” suffers. Not for lack of mobilization and equipping, but for lack of effort, desire, discipline and heart – in the “big C” Church.

 

My church rocks! I believe it’s one of the best in the world at attracting, engaging, equipping and mobilizing. The ultimate impact of the mobilization is simply the product of the impact of each and every one of the “big C” Churchers being mobilized. If 30% of us suck, then you’re going to get 30% less impact. Period.

 

Our individual character as members of the “big C” Church, can also be referred to as our “missional character.” Our individual and collective “missional character” as the “big C” Church is the lynchpin for impact when we are part of an already rocking “little c” church like Community Christian.

 

You will never hear me say things like, “I’m not being fed” Instead you will likely hear me say, “The food is great. I need to stop eating and start exercising more!”

 

Let’s be intentional and effective and relentless in developing our individual “missional character”!!

 

 

When the Game Stands Tall – Intentionality Required

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I saw “When the Game Stands Tall” last night. Decent movie. Lots of football. I expected my 13 year old son to like it – I wasn’t expecting my daughters and their friends to really like it.

 

I will give away a big chunk of the ending so if you haven’t seen it and don’t want the ending to be spoiled…stop here. WhentheGameStandsTall-Small

 

To me, the plot centered around Mt 23:12 – “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”

 

The coach and his staff tried to plant the principles behind this verse into the football program. Team vs individual. It’s a great message – and obviously the program itself can boast some significant results. The coaching staff was consistent with the message that, participating in the program was more about preparing you to have character later in life than it was about high school football.

 

Participation in sports under the guidance of the right principles can develop good character; under the guidance of the wrong principles, it can develop life-destroying character defects. Mt 23:12 is one of the important principles that decides which way the scales will tip.

 

In the movie, one of the main characters on the team, is pursuing the state touchdown record. In the final game, the team finds themselves inside the 10yd line with an opportunity for the running back to punch it in an break the record. Instead he takes a couple knees and runs out the clock. He shared his motivation with the players on the field – something along the lines of, “This isn’t about any of us individually, it’s about the team, just like coach taught us.”

 

That was a powerful moment in the movie. The head coach was seriously considering leaving the high school program because he didn’t think he was making a difference in the lives of the kids anymore. This difference was being opposed by the modern day environment that strongly urges players to exalt themselves. In the movie, the act of the running back humbling himself for the team inspires the head coach to stay with the program. The act of the running back is evidence that the coach’s influence is having the desired effect.

 

This idea of humbling yourself is so important these days. Narcissism is one of the biggest issues facing this up and coming generation, and the social media driven world we live in can be used to further develop narcissistic tendencies.

 

Even our sports have become more narcissistic. You have a huge increase in individualized sports – extreme sports: skateboarding, snowboarding, BMX, wakeboarding, etc. Running, triathlons, super-triathlons, mud runs, etc. Some of these are not entirely individualized but the focus is much more on the individual than in traditional team sports.

 

I’m not saying that extreme sports, or marathoning or triathloning is inherently evil – all I am saying is there needs to be a specific kind of intentionality to build in the humility. When it’s all about your individual score that the judges give you on your snowboard jump/spin/flip, how do you humble yourself for the greater good of “the team”?  Who is “the team”?

 

Of course, even today’s vision of leadership is much more narcissistic. Visionary leaders who need to recruit people to serve their own inspired vision. Again, there is nothing wrong with it, if the “humble yourself” balance is intentionally managed, and you have external accountability to make sure you are intentionally managing it.

 

I guess that is where the rubber meets the road. Is the principle of humbling yourself enough to motivate you to be accountable for intentionally humbling yourself on an ongoing basis?

 

Perhaps it has nothing to do with the “sport”, and everything to do with what systems the participant intentionally puts in place to keep himself in check from the standpoint of humility.

 

Back to the movie. Unfortunately, the particular plot line – the running back taking the knee instead of breaking the record – which I consider to be the main plot line, ends up being completely made up. That was not at all part of the real-life story. That’s too bad. That almost ruins the movie for me.

 

If the story was 100% made up, I would have really loved it. The fact that 90% of it is true, and 10% is made up really bothers me. When I reflect on why that is, it is because I am afraid that the story of my life, when it is told, will have to be 90% true and 10% made up so that it is a compelling story.

 

When I learn that some of the most compelling pieces of a dramatized real-life story are made up, it give me great pause and makes me reflect on the kind of life I am living.

 

It’s not that I think I won’t make mistakes – I already know I do. I just don’t want the main plotline of my life to be manufactured when the story is told – to make it more consistent and believable. I want my story to be told of someone whose successes and failures all drove towards the goal, or the mission in life – following Jesus and sacrificially loving others. The good and bad news is, it’s all about intentionality. The ball is in my court…

You are No Ordinary Child

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“I am convinced that there has never been an ordinary child born on this planet, ever!!! But, most of us die painfully, tragically ordinary. Somewhere between when we are born and when we die, our extraordinary nature is beat out of us, lost to us.”

 – Erwin McManus

extraordinarySmall

While that quote might sound negative to you, the first part of it is really great news. Imagine for a moment that the first part is true; that every single person on this planet is born as an extraordinary child. Isn’t that an awesome, uplifting thought? The older I get and the more I experience of life and people, the more convinced I become that the first part of that quote is true.

However, the second part of that quote reminds us of the reality that if we are not good stewards of the extraordinary, we risk losing it, or at least masking it, or minimizes the expression of it.

What motivates me is that the flipside of this is also true. If we are good stewards, if we dedicate ourselves to unleashing the extraordinary masterpiece that was already present inside of us and others at birth, we can live extraordinary lives. We can change the future – change the world. Our lives and the lives of those around us can become stories worth telling.

 

But what does it take? What makes the difference between having our extraordinary nature beat out of us or having it unleashed to the fullest? I believe that it all boils down to how we value ourselves. Do we value ourselves for being or for doing? Do we measure our own worth by who we are, or for what we do, what we accomplish?

Please don’t confuse the message here. There is nothing wrong with doing. In fact, doing is the tangible expression of being. But if the doing does not flow out of a proper sense of being, we can lose our being all together – we can lose our extraordinary nature.

We must learn to value ourselves for who we are, and express who we are in the things we do. We must measure our worth, and just as importantly, measure the worth of others, by who they ARE, not what they do. When we value ourselves for who we are, we can begin to unleash the extraordinary masterpiece that has been born inside of us.

When we value others, and measure their worth for who they are, we begin to unleash the extraordinary masterpiece inherent inside of them – and slowly but surely, person by person, interaction by interaction, we can make our world a better place. We can create a better future for everyone within the sphere of our influence.

 

How can we practically value ourselves for being? Well, I have a simple acrostic that helps me – B.E.I.N.G.

  • The “B” stands for “Believe the best.” Believe the best about yourselves and about others. See the best in yourself and in others. Expect the best. Envision the best. I need to come alongside someone as they dream, and work with them to make their dreams a reality. Believing the best does not mean excusing bad behavior, or eliminating healthy boundaries – quite the opposite. It is expecting the best in others and not settling for less.

 

  • “E” reminds me to “Encourage myself and others.” The word encourage literally means “to breathe courage into.” What a cool concept. To breathe courage into yourself and others – the courage it takes to be the best you that you can be. When I and those around me fall short, we encourage each other to do better. Encourage also means “to develop.” I need to continually invest in myself and others to fully develop our individual masterpieces.

 

  • “It is in you!” is the “I”. You may remember the popular Gatorade commercial would ask the question, “Is it in you?” Of course, they mean, is Gatorade in you? Gatorade is what propels you and enables you to be the best athlete you can be, and you need to pour it in from the outside – and keep adding it as your internal supply runs low. My extraordinary nature is already in me and can never be consumed – it can never run low or run out. It can be hidden, but it can never be taken out of you. I don’t have to do anything to be extraordinary. It is what I AM. It is what you ARE. We should carry ourselves as such. We should act extraordinary – expect the extraordinary.

 

  • “N” is for “Never give up!” We are going to make mistakes. The people closest to us will let us down from time to time. Extraordinary does not mean I never blow it, it means that I have extraordinary persistence and tenacity. I will not let mistakes get in the way of my masterpiece. Failure is one of the best methods of learning we have available to us. We need to leverage mistakes and failures as a launch pad for an extraordinary impact. I am reminded of a famous quote from Winston Churchill,

“Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense”

 

  • “Go intentionally!”. Finally, the “G” reminds us that BEING is an intentional act. I desire to go into every situation with the intention of seeing and enabling the extraordinary in everyone I touch. I want to intentionally change the environment around me – I want to create an aura of the extraordinary. My intentions should be to unleash the extraordinary masterpiece in everyone I meet. We should desire to move the masterpiece needle at least one notch closer to fully unleashed for every person we interact with. How awesome would it be to be intentional about every conversation in every situation we find ourselves in?

 

I am already extraordinary. You are already extraordinary. It is already in us. We just need to realize it, develop it, express it – in ourselves and in others. Value yourself and others for you you are. Start with BEING. Express who you are by DOING.

Let’s start a revolution of extraordinary!! It starts with me (and you), moves out from there though those closest to us and then grows exponentially through everyone we have influence over!