Unleash The Masterpiece

The Cost of Empathy

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I recently read an article on empathy from the New York Times, Sunday review, titled, Empathy is Actually a Choice, written by: Daryl Cameron, Michael Inzlicht AND William A. Cunningham. The article talks about empathy, and if it is possible for us to increase the current level of empathy we have.

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What is Empathy – What makes us express (or not express) it?

Empathy can be simply defined as the ability to understand, share and relate to the feelings of another.  The article first talks about the strange trend between the number of people in a situation who need empathy versus the amount of empathy we feel:

 

ONE death is a tragedy. One million is a statistic.

You’ve probably heard this saying before. It is thought to capture an unfortunate truth about empathy: While a single crying child or injured puppy tugs at our heartstrings, large numbers of suffering people, as in epidemics, earthquakes and genocides, do not inspire a comparable reaction.

Studies have repeatedly confirmed this.

 

I don’t know about you, but I have had this phenomenon play it in my own life. While I may express outrage about a larger issue, or might be motivated to offer a slacktivist quote or comment on social media, the bigger issues do not really elicit a deep, emotional response from me. That is a little disturbing – not only to me – but to many scientists who have done the research on this kind of thing.

 

Worse News About Expressing Empathy

What is even more disturbing is the following direct quote from the article:

 

Not only does empathy seem to fail when it is needed most, but it also appears to play favorites. Recent studies have shown that our empathy is dampened or constrained when it comes to people of different races, nationalities or creeds.

 

Yikes. Since I am a somewhat privileged white, middle-aged male, that puts me at the greatest risk of not being able to generate empathy for the people groups who are probably in the most need locally and globally. That’s makes a difficult problem even more difficult.

 

Can we improve? – Yes!

There is good news. This article expresses that we all possess the innate ability to grow and expand our empathy – if we exert the proper effort. The article doesn’t really suggest good, practical ways to develop and grow our empathy – at least not in my opinion.

 

I have personally experienced substantial development of empathy in myself, and seen it substantially grown in others, through the vehicle of mission trips.

 

Mission Trips

For the sake of this discussion, let’s define a mission trip as:

 

Intentional interaction with a people group that is different than you in one more more significant ways, for the primary purpose of getting to know individuals in that peeple group better.

 

You could be going to visit an oppressed people group in a developing country on the other side of the globe, or across the street to an elderly couple, or across town to people of a different nationality, race, socioeconomic status or creed. If it’s intentional, if they are different than you, and your primary purpose is to get to know them better, that is how I would define a mission trip.

 

My Mission Trip Experience

When I first had an opportunity to visit Frontline Missions in the Philippines to work with street children for a couple weeks, I had no idea what to expect. My wife Vicky and I had always supported a child through a mission outreach program. We ended up catching an infomercial about poor kids early on in our marriage, and we felt compelled to sponsor a child.  We loved getting pictures, little notes, etc. We would pray for her, think about her when we saw the picture hanging on the fridge; but, we really didn’t have empathy for her – pity maybe – but not empathy.

 

When I spent several hours over several days with Frontline in the Philippines, sitting down with and talking to kids who actually do live on the street, who have actually suffered abuses of all kinds, who go hungry sometimes for days, who have been forced into prostitution; when I actually got to know someone who has experienced that, it completely changed me. Not only did I feel a great sense of empathy for these kids, but spending time with them also developed in me a deep compassion for them..

 

The simplest definition of compassion is:

 

To suffer with

 

I knew these kids by name. I knew who their brothers and sisters were. I knew the stories that led to each one of them living on the streets. I knew some of the stories of the things that would happen to them on the street. I knew some of their hopes and dreams. Getting to know them allowed me to suffer with them, to understand how they feel.

 

This experience completely changed the equation for me. I moved from pity to empathy and compassion. This had the effect of increasing the amount of time I thought about these kids and the amount of effort and creativity I put into helping them address the issues that were important to them. My experience created a long-term, personal relationship with the kids and the Frontline organization that has lasted for 9+ years – over 16 trips with friends and family – creating opportunity for developing empathy, compassion and action in others – starting a missional business out there, and other kinds of involvement.

 

VALUE of Mission Trips

The value of mission trips done relationally is so much greater than the cost of a plane ticket and on-the-ground expenses. It develops a significant amount of empathy and compassion – which in turn, completely changes us from the inside-out, and can change the world.

 

Of course, Frontline has to work hard, be creative and take risks to create experiences that are intentional – with the primary purpose of getting to know the people involved in the outreach: from those reaching out to those being served. That is not easy to do. Many mission organizations settle for lesser mission trip experiences.

 

The value to cost ratio is even higher when you are going across town, or across the street. The time, money and risk investment is much smaller, but the return can be just as good – if not better. Not everyone will be able to make it across the globe 16 times in 9 years – and start a business in a developing country – but we can walk across the street 16 times in 9 years, and go across town at least that many times.

 

Mission Trips in Town

My wife and I have been mentoring under-resourced kids in a local elementary school for some five or six years now. Getting to know these kids for weeks, sometimes years, has been a huge blessing for us. We have developed empathy and compassion for the issues people who are different than us are experiencing every day, right in our own backyard. Our empathy has driven further investment, advocacy and other activities that have mutual benefit for us and the new groups of people we know.

 

I have even benefited greatly by taking the time to get to know people whose political, religious, ideological and social view are much different than mine. I now have empathy and respect for people who hold different views than me. I see the human side – the emotional side and the cognitive side – of the different issues that people struggle with like immigration, gender, orientation, and others.

 

Daily Mission Trips

Going to work or school can be an every day mission trip for you if you are intentional about getting to know people. So can going to a movie, the grocery store – even going to church. How many of us attend churches that attract people who are from from God – every week – who have no relational connection yet at the church? If I am not intentionally meeting new people at church, I don’t believe that I can really be on mission.

 

So, no matter what the cost, so long as you can afford it, I believe mission trips are worth it every time. The more the merrier!

 

Unleash vs Empower – The Next BIG Thing

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The words unleash and empower appear to be very similar at first glance; however, they are rooted into two different meanings. The difference between those two meanings has been driving a subtle, slowly developing, but fundamental shift in the ways in which we view individuals in our societies and cultures.

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Empower practically means to give someone else your power, or to share your power with another. Here are a few recent examples of people empowering me:

 

A good friend of mine inviting me to a conference where he was the keynote speaker. He mentioned me and my organization from stage several times, and during breaks, took the time to introduce me to influential people he knew at the conference.

 

A few years ago, my business partner and founder of the business, stepped aside for a year and asked me to run the business on his behalf during that time.

 

In both of those examples, people shared their power with me. It was theirs for the giving and my role was to graciously receive that power. Empowerment is a great practice both on the giving end and the receiving end. I support empowerment completely and believe it has been, and will remain valuable as long as there is power to give and receive.

 

The concept of unleash is quite different than that of empowerment. Unleash refers to the development of latent power, ability, passion, experience and gifts that are already inside of an individual. The concept of unleash is rooted in the world view that every single human being was born with innate worth and capabilities. I often reference a biblical concept from Ephesians 2:10 called Unleash the Masterpiece – the idea being – every single person ever born is a uniquely designed masterpiece, capable of greatly influencing the world around them.

 

Erwin McManus, pastor of Mosaic Church in California says it this way:

“There has never been an ordinary person born on this planet – ever!”

 

This worldview is relatively new – and is gaining momentum. Against the backdrop of history, common-folk were not seen as very valuable. Nobles, royalty, caste systems, etc., all worked against commoners at best, and at worst, enslaved and oppressed common-folk. Even in the days of the industrial revolution in the United States, assembly line workers, poverty stricken people living in slums, and other marginalized people groups had little value and protection in society.

 

Rights for women, the poor, civil rights, and other movements of the individual have created a groundswell of momentum for the concept of unleash. The recent seismic shifts of globalization, the democratization of mobile and computing technology, the internet, and most recently 3D printing have created a substantial foundation on which to unleash the masterpiece inherent in every individual.

 

While we as a society have become better at empowerment over the years, our capacity to fully unleash people is in its infancy. How do individuals optimally unleash themselves? How do organizations create a systematic environments to unleash the individual and collective masterpieces in their midst? These are important, relevant questions as we move further into the era of the Unleash Movement.

 

One of the nuances of this movement is, that the responsibility for the movement itself is shifting from the elite to the masses. While Erwin McManus noted that there has never been an ordinary child ever born, he also bemoans the fact that:

“Many of us die, painfully, tragically ordinary.”

 

The elite leadership of our culture, the givers, bear the primary responsibility for empowerment; but we, as individuals, bear the primary responsibility for our personal unleashing. This is a big deal. While we need our environment and the people in our lives to assist us in the unleash process, the buck ultimately stops (and starts) with us individually.

 

Governments cannot pass laws to make you unleash. Organizations cannot force you to unleash. Parents and teachers cannot impose unleash on their children and students. We have to want it, we have to be proactive, we have to work to make it happen – each of us, individually.

 

We can create systems, frameworks and processes to create the optimal environment in which those who are willing can fully unleash their masterpiece. This is an intentional, deliberate and intelligent process for the both the individual and the support systems around them.

 

The Unleash Movement has already begun. For the first time in history, the foundations of the world are developing to provide an opportunity for all of us, from the least to the greatest, from the richest to the poorest, from the most powerful to the weakest among us, to fully unleash the masterpiece within ourselves. Do you believe those around you are masterpieces waiting to be unleashed? Do you believe it about yourself? What are you willing do about it? There has never, ever been a better time than right now!

 

Detour Ahead – Arguments in Marriage!

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Sure enough, after a very long, emotionally draining day, I lost my cool with Vicky and got really angry – angry enough to yell and leave the house. That rarely happens to me – but it does happen, and it did happen.

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In this particular case last night, I really was embarrassed at how I lost my cool. Almost all of my kids were there, two of my kids on their way out the door to go back to Chicago, Michael going up to bed, and of course, my oldest son Bobby is going to be married in a couple days. I normally do not embarrass myself. Others might be embarrassed for me some of the time, but it’s rare for me to be ashamed of the way I acted. Last night was one of the moments where I was in that kind of rare form.

 

So, I yell, storm out of the house, and drive away to … a gas station. I had to get gas anyway.

 

I have left the house angry only a couple times in the last 25 years…and same for Vicky. We have had many arguments, but few that would cause either of us to leave the house.

 

Arguments are a part of life. Those who are closest to us can make us the most upset. The better we know each other the easier it is to know exactly what buttons to push. As spouses we get to see each other at our absolute worst and most unlovable – most folks don’t get that privilege.

 

While I wish I would have kept my cool better last night, it is a great opportunity to talk about arguments and fighting in marriage. It’s gonna happen. In fact, if it does not, it may not be a sign of a healthy marriage.

 

Following are some arguing principles I have discovered over the years:

 

  • You are going to argue. You are going to annoy the heck out of each other sometime. You are going to say and do hurtful things sometimes. It’s part of life

 

  • Be aware of what things you do to annoy your spouse and try to reduce that behavior. Your spouse has to let you know (hopefully lovingly) what it is that annoys them. Trying to bury your annoyance at a bad habits or poor use of words, etc., is not love. It will eventually cause bigger problems.

 

  • How you handle stressful situations is very important. You will have them. If you have kids – you will have more. Vicky and I have learned how to handle stress much better in our marriage as time has gone on. Our biggest issues are when we do not express stress in healthy ways that we end up in what I would call a secondary argument (see next principle)

 

  • H.A.L.T. – If you are hungry (mostly the guys), angry (had a bad day outside of your context with your spouse), if you are lonely, or if you are tired – do not engage in serious discussions about anything. HALT! Hungry – Angry – Lonely – Tired. I so need to get better at this. When I am one of these four, it’s almost a guarantee I am going to pick a fight with someone I love – who wasn’t really looking for a fight.

 

  • Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Great biblical principle. Vicky and I have never spent more than an hour or two alone after one of us has stormed out of the room/house. Don’t do it. It’s OK to have a cool down period – and sometimes necessary – but do not let it last more than an hour or two.

 

  • Do not confuse the principle of don’t go to bed angry, with having to completely resolve all issues before bed. I am famous for this one. Serious issues need to be discussed when you are fresh and not tired (remember HALT?). Some of my finest moments are when I am able to tell Vicky I love her and that we can resolve the particular issue later – and go to bed snuggling – and – not wake up mad. It doesn’t happen as often as it should, but I am slowly getting  little better at this!

 

  • Be willing to apologize. I had to suck it up and apologize last night. There was no excuse for my behavior. I owned it. It may have taken about 50 mad texts back and forth from the gas station parking lot, but I eventually apologized for my part 🙂

 

Just for the record, for my Christian brothers and sisters out there, the idea or concept of biblical submission has NEVER come up, not even one time, in our 25 years of marriage. I believe the idea of wives submitting to their husbands is a cultural quirk mentioned in the Bible, and not how God intends it to be for life at its best.  We have intelligent compromise and have never had an issue we could not resolve ourselves. Of course, that leads to the last principle.

 

  • If you do hit an impasse, you need to bring in a neutral third-party who cares about both of you. Getting counseling is a sign that you value your marriage and relationship. Many times we need help outside of ourselves. No one goes into these things being an expert, and just because you are a follower of Jesus you are not exempt from needing help. God gives us good friends and access to marriage counselors because we may very well need it from time to time. If you do, if you even think you do, collaborate on it and get it done. Respect each other’s wishes in this.

 

Life is so short. I am going to a life celebration service later today for a friend of mine who passed after an 8 year battle with cancer. Life is precious. Our relationships are precious. Our marriages are precious. Let’s argue well, argue less, and learn from the mistakes and build stronger marriages in the process. You won’t regret it!

 

Abundant Sex – Part Three – Mentoring and Hang Time

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Welcome back to abundant sex blog number three – mentoring!

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Last time we discussed the importance of building everything in your life, especially romantic love and sexual intimacy, on a solid foundation of tried-and-true principles. We learned that principles develop the fully unique and individualistically creative expression of romantic love and sexual intimacy. It is the dummies books, the formulaic, the 1-2-3 guides that create the restrictions, the boredom, the mediocre in our lives.

 

So, principles are the foundation.

 

First principle: You need mentors and mentoring.

 

You need that in every aspect of your life, especially for romantic love and sexual intimacy. We are not talking about anything creepy – no soft-core training videos, we’re not inviting anyone into our bedrooms. None of that. There are much more effective and healthy forms of mentoring than that.

 

What do I mean by mentors AND mentoring? There are actually three parts to it:

  • You need to be in mentoring relationships with those who have significantly more experience than you do in long-term, joyful, mutually satisfying, romantic relationships.
  • You need to be in what I call mutual mentoring relationships where you are in co-mentoring relationships with those who have a similar level of life/relationship experience as you do. Friends, neighbors, people you would hang with on a semi-regular basis
  • You need to be in mentoring relationships with those who have significantly less experience than you do in romantic relationships.

 

You need all three, and for most people, for most couples, it will be difficult to find, develop and maintain each of those three types of mentoring relationships. Often times it will be very difficult. But, it’s the hard that makes it great. (again, no pun intended)

 

My wife Vicky and I were non-practicing Catholics when we got engaged. The priest at the local Church we wanted to get married at, recommended/required Catholic premarital counseling called Pre Cana. Vicky was 20 and I was 22. Our weekly Pre Cana class had about 5 other engaged couples in it of varying ages. The leader of the weekly class, much to our surprise, was a married couple. One who was married for about 10 years, maybe a little more, and they had 3 or 4 kids.

 

The weekly sessions were often awkward, especially at first. The topic of conversation included things like: finances, babysitting, date nights, dinner and dishes, toilet seats, taking care of the kids, shopping, cuddling, foreplay, nude dancing, org*sms and the different ways men and women experience them – pre, during and post org*sm (which included some pretty funny charts and graphs), sexual fulfilment of men vs women, some specifics on sexual activity, you name it.

 

It was pretty embarrassing at times – but it was extremely valuable and informative. The truth is, those classes, or more specifically, the investment of that couple into our lives for those eight weeks or so, has made, and continues to make a HUGE DIFFERENCE in our marriage to this day. The beginnings and foundations of many of the healthier habits and perspectives we have in our marriage as a whole, including romantic love and sexual intimacy, are a direct result of that couple’s investment in us.

 

Doing it in a group setting was very awkward and embarrassing at times, but, the dynamic created resulted in questions being asked and answered that would never have been asked or answered in a more one-on-one format. Opinions were shared, stories were shared. Hopes and dreams were shared. The interactions between the other couples being invested in were a huge part of the success of the experience.

 

You will not be anywhere near as successful in any areas of your life – especially one as difficult and important as long lasting romantic love and meaningful physical and sexual intimacy – without the three types of mentoring.

 

Now, it is important to state another principle. Only take advice from those who you would like to be like. I remember working out with my cousin, who is probably one of the biggest, strongest guys I have ever met in my life.  I remember this annoying, skinny, weak, know-it-all coming up to him and giving him some advice on body-building. My cousin, who also has the gift of blunt and direct communication, said, “If I want a body like yours, then I will take advice from you. I don’t like the way your body looks. I don’t like how weak you are. So I will never take advice from you on bodybuilding”

 

Ouch! But, it’s true. If you ever have to choose between taking football passing advice from me or Peyton Manning, you know what to do. Do not allow yourself to be advised, to have your thinking shaped and moulded, by those who do not have a life, or component of life that you desire to duplicate.

 

Getting advice on meaningful sexual intimacy from pornographic movies, books, videos, magazines, whatever, is not going to create the thinking, habits, speech and behaviors that create meaningful sexual intimacy. It should be a no-brainer.

 

Taking romantic advice from your friends who have gone from relationship to relationship, or who have less than stellar relationships and marriage themselves does not make sense. That doesn’t mean you don’t like them or respect those people as individuals and friends. You just do not let them cross the healthy boundary of moulding and shaping your experience in an area of life that they are not qualified to advise you in.

 

Don’t take investment advice from people who a broke or career advice from people who work taco-filling station at Taco Bell.

 

Add up all of the discretionary free time you have, the activities you have engaged in, and the people you have hung out with. If you cannot identify more than 50% of those activities to include people who have life competencies that you desire to have in your life, you need to change who you hang out with.

 

If you are a girl and spend most of your time hanging out with man-hating women, man-loving women, or women in lousy relationships guess what? That is going to affect your relationship with your significant other.

 

If you are a guy and spend a big chunk of your time with guys that objectify women and are out looking for one thing, not faithful to their significant relationships, going to strip clubs, and not experiencing mutually fulfilling and respectful romantic love and sexual intimacy in their lives, then you will become more like them. It’s the principle of gravitational attraction.

 

This is where it gets really difficult. I am not saying that you cannot associate with anyone, ever who does not share your same dream for romantic love and sexual intimacy.

 

I am saying that a simple rule of thumb is the 50% rule. If more than 50% of the content you consume, the people you hang out with, and/or the activities you do are not uplifting your dream for romantic love and sexual intimacy, YOU NEED TO CHANGE THAT – AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE!

 

That’s not easy. It may mean developing some new friendships and cooling off some existing ones. It may mean finding some different hobbies or ways to have fun, with or without your significant other. It may mean getting serious about a pornography addiction. It may even mean finding a different career or vocation. How important is a healthy romantic relationship to you?

 

Like I said, this is not easy. This is precisely why so many people have mediocre-at-best long-term romantic love and sexual intimacy. They do not invest in it daily and they do not prioritize it in their relationships, activities and thought life.

 

You are not going to be a world-class athlete without discipline, hard-work, making difficult priority calls, aggressively seeking the best coaching, the best teammates  and the best environment.

 

You are not going to have abundant, world-class romantic love and sexual intimacy without the same effort and process in those specific areas. Period. The choice is yours.

 

This applies to each of the three areas.

 

One: You need to get to know people and intentionally put yourself in the path of people who have been HAPPILY married for much longer than you, and have marriages that you would really like to imitate, AND ARE WILLING TO mentor you. Do you think that will be easy to do? (Answer: most likely not) Are you praying for it? Are you asking around? Are you researching?

 

Two: Are you intentionally spending at least 50% of your hangout time with people who have similar dreams, goals, and aspirations for their romantic relationships and sexual intimacy? If not, go get some new friends who do and hang out with them instead. Do you think this will be easy to do? (Answer: most likely not) Are you praying for it? Are you asking around? Are  you doing embarrassing things like Meet-up to find new friends? Are you making yourself available to be the right friend in order to find the right friends?

 

Three: Are you intentionally investing in people with less experience than you, partially with the agenda that you want to be a role-model for them? Do you think that will be easy to do? Do you think it might be a little awkward in the beginning? (Answer: heck yeah it will be)

 

Allow me to let you in on a little secret – if you would like to be good at something – TEACH IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. You will learn a ton and get much better at it yourself in the process! It will benefit you more than it benefits the people you are teaching.

 

I used to substitute teach Calculus and advanced math classes at a local junior college. The most difficult part was having to re-learn the material every time. For me to do a good job, not embarrass myself and not waste the students’ time, I had to know the topic better than they did.

 

That is the hidden benefit – The-Bono-from-U2-Karma principle. Investing in people, with less experience than you – hanging out and doing peer mentoring to benefit others –  will actually benefit you more every time. I guarantee it.

 

This solid mentoring regimen includes all three aspects in terms of live, one-on-one, personal relationships. But it also includes content – books, audio, video, conference, Pre Cana classes, individual marriage counseling, group marriage counseling, engagement counseling, premarital group counseling, courses, seminars, etc. These content-centric and group-centric activities provide SUPPORT, BACKGROUND and STRUCTURE for the live, one-on-one, personal relationships. They ARE NOT A SUBSTITUTE OR A REPLACEMENT for them.

 

So yeah, it’s getting a little less fun and a little more serious – but that’s life in the big city. If it was easy, everyone would be experience abundant sex in the context of long-term, happy, mutually satisfying, romantic relationships. Unfortunately, examples of those doing it well for decades with the same person, are in short supply. That is because it is very difficult to do. It will cost you something – but it’s a price worth paying!! Trust me!

 

Check our principle number two coming soon!

 

 

Abundant Sex – Part Two – The Foundation

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Welcome back to abundant sex. Last time we discussed that God, the creator of sex, wants us to experience an abundant, awesome sex life. When you do sexual intimacy the way God designed it to be done, it will be so good that movie stars, rock stars and sports stars be like, “Dang, that couple is having some amazing sex! I’m so jeal-ey!!”

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In this post we will discuss how to build romantic love and sexual intimacy on a solid foundation. If you want to build something to last, it’s gotta be built on a foundation that is deep, structurally sound, and will not move or shift over time.

 

Many of us of seen, in one form or another, a physical foundation – most likely in the walls of our crawl space or basement – or in the piers of a deck, or, well, the piers of a pier 🙂

 

But what does a non-physical foundation look like? A mental, spiritual, emotional, romantic foundation? What makes that kind of foundation strong and able to withstand the test of time? Thanks for asking. The answer is – principles.

 

Here are a few examples of principles in action. First from the business world. From the book on entrepreneurship, Zero to One, by Peter Thiel,

 

The paradox of teaching entrepreneurship is that such a formula necessarily cannot exist; because every innovation is new and unique, no authority can prescribe in concrete terms how to be innovative. Indeed, the single most powerful pattern I have noticed is that successful entrepreneurs find value in unexpected places, and they do this by thinking about business first from principles instead of formulas.

 

We all want formulas. We want the dummies book for everything. Formulas are passive, take out much of the guess work and make things easier – unfortunately – they kill creativity and unique expression.

 

Principles on the other hand are active. They require individual engagement and hard work in order to incorporate them to a meaningful extent.

 

Think of some business principles.

 

Buy Low and Sell High.

Supply and Demand

 

How long have those been around? How about Warren Buffett’s foundational investing principle that made him a billionaire:

Rule #1 – Don’t Lose Money.

 

 

Another example of something built on a solid foundation of principles – the cell phone. All cell phones are based on the engineering principle of the propagation of electromagnetic waves in free space. This principle was developed hundreds of years ago by super-smart scientists – long before we had the creative expression of technology to actually do anything with it. Fist came radios, then television, then radar, microwaves and finally cell phones. All based on the same foundational principle.

 

What do these examples tell us about principles?

 

  • Principles are typically old – often very old. They are usually tried, tested, and verified by many people over decades, centuries or even millennia.

 

  • Principles are generally true for all time and are generally true in all contexts. If you see a principle that once was true and no longer is, or is not true in some contexts, then it was probably never a real principle to start with

 

  • Principles require active, ongoing engagement for successful implementation.

 

Active engagement with principles can be defined as follows:

 

  • Ask
    • You need the desire to live by certain principles – you need to ask for them
  • Listen
    • You need to listen to trusted sources for the principles you are asking for
  • Understand
    • You need to make sure you have enough understanding of the principle to begin a successful engagement with it
  • Apply
    • You need to apply the principle in your life – regularly – monthly, weekly, daily, hourly. Application is personal, practical engagement. It takes hard work and frequent practice.
  • Feedback
    • You need feedback, external feedback from others on how well you are following that principle. You do not know what you don’t know. It helps greatly if those people giving you feedback are recognized as successfully engaging the principle you are asking for feedback on.

 

If you are not actively engaging principles using the five methods described above, those principles will never become a solid foundation for you.

 

If you choose to look for formulas instead of principles – the easy way out – things may not go very well for you. Formulas create assembly lines that are boring, tiresome, nothing to look forward to, and to some extent, enslaving.

 

Principles on the other hand can create amazing diversity. Go back to cell phones. The principle of the propagation of electromagnetic waves has created iPhones, Androids, Samsung Galaxies, Phablets like the Galaxy Note (sorry, I’m an android guy!). That is incredible diversity and exciting implementation that has artistic value in addition to amazing utility.

 

Think about the principles that result in successful entrepreneurs. The fruit of their labor has created – microfinance, technology start-ups, etc. These have changed our lives – and changed the world. Incredibly diverse, creative and meaningful.

 

If formulas can enslave us – principles can free us. In other words, principles can help us to unleash the unique masterpiece that we have been created to be in every aspect of our lives – including sexual intimacy and romantic love.

 

Engaging the principles of deep romantic love and abundant sex with creativity and hard work will result in a unique, romantic masterpiece – a one-of-a kind work of art that will be fulfilling and will inspire others.


What are some of the foundational principles of abundant romantic love / abundant sexual intimacy? Tune in for the next couple blogs!!

Abundant Sex!!

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No he didn’t! Yes I did! A blog on sex! It’s been a long time in the coming. My oldest son gets married on March 28, so, the old man’s gotta impart some wisdom, why not do it publicly so everyone, everywhere can benefit?!?! The clock is ticking!

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Seriously though, romantic love is super important – it plays a part in most everyone’s life. Of course, romantic love includes things besides sex itself. Non-sexual, physical touch, hand-holding, cuddling, snuggling, etc. Non-sexual, romantic love is super important, and I will dig into that more in later posts, but for right now the focus of this post will be sexual intimacy!

 

Additionally, this post will primarily represent the male perspective on sex. That is not to say that I will not try to represent both sides. I have 3 grown daughters and have been married 25 years myself, so I am capable of representing more of the female perspective than many are 🙂 Of course, within the male or female category, views on the importance and role of sexual intimacy can vary widely. It is an intensely personal topic and experience. This post is not meant to say that sex has to be anything, nothing or everything. Your personal perspective is valuable and important. I am simply sharing my thoughts and perspectives.

 

For some, sexual intimacy has been mostly a positive experience – for others it has come with some pain and maybe even deep emotional scars and wounding.

 

Followers of Jesus have left such a void when it comes to discussing the awesomeness of sex – and that void is being and will continue to be filled – usually with cheap, imitation, generic sexual intimacy knock-offs. That is why I am writing this. There is not enough positive talk coming out of the so-called “Christian camp” on this important topic; and, I am tired of that void being filled without considering the perspective of the inventor of sex.

 

God invented sex. God invented the org*sm (don’t want content filters to block this post!). God invented it. He designed it. He designed sexual intimacy, sexual pleasure, arousal, all of it. In fact, the best of what we have now is “Plan B” sex. The original design for sex and org*sms was probably much better in its perfected form than it is now – if you can believe that?!

 

Not only did God create sex, but he wants it to be awesome. God made sex to be a part of life for many of us. Jesus came so that we can have an abundant life. Sex is a part of life for many of us. So, for those of us whom sex is a legitimate part of our abundant living, Jesus came that we might have an abundant sex-life, and have it to the full! The NLT version says Jesus came to give us a rich and satisfying life – guess what? That includes a rich and satisfying sex life for us married folk. It’s true! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

 

God created the sexual intimacy between a man and woman to be a description – an illustration- of the love between Christ and the church.

 

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. – Ephesians 5

 

Paul doesn’t mean anything weird or perverted by that. He is saying that, the depth of intimacy that is shared between a couple, madly in love, deeply committed to each other, experiencing sexual intimacy at it’s fullest – that depth of intimacy, relationship, love, vulnerability – is just a small foreshadowing – a small glimpse of the love and depth of connection that Jesus desires to have with each of us (the church – ecclesia – the people of God). Again, not in a weird way.

 

One of the most intimate connections we can experience as human beings is meant to give us a small glimpse of what God’s love is like. That is so awesome!!!

 

God wants this illustration to be experienced, experienced well, and experienced often. Of course, like anything else in life, a rich, meaningful, mutually satisfying sexual intimacy requires effort to achieve and maintain. It doesn’t just happen.

 

It also requires some rules and boundaries. Imagine a football game with absolutely no rules or boundaries. Or baseball, tennis, soccer, hockey – you name the sport. What if all of the players did whatever they wanted to do and there were no rules or boundaries? Sports would lose all of its fun and meaning. The rules and boundaries create the framework for the expression of the athlete and the joy of the experience. Sex is no different. Actually, everything in life is no different. A big chunk of the fun and enjoyment of anything comes with rules and boundaries.

 

This deepest expression of physical intimacy is meant to be an overflow of spiritual and emotional intimacy between two people – within a set of healthy rules and boundaries. Experts say the biggest sex organ in your body is your brain (despite what your husband may tell you). I would extend that to say – your heart / mind / soul is actually the biggest sex organ in your body – and the most important.

 

The union of physical, emotional, relational and spiritual intimacy, within the proper boundaries, creates a mind-blowing sexual intimacy that few get to experience – mostly because they forget, or have never learned about the non-physical aspects of intimacy; and/or, never fully understood or respected the well-designed boundaries.

 

If you have been married, 25 days or 25 years, you should be experiencing, mutually satisfying, mind-blowing sexual intimacy as often as you like – every day even – if that works for both of you.

 

Experiencing this level of intimacy between two people, living their daily lives in the real world, takes hard work. Like Tom Hanks says in A League of Their Own – it’s the hard that makes it great! – no pun intended! Great sex starts in the soul, the mind, the heart, the spirit and culminates in physical intimacy – on a playing field with well-defined rules and boundaries.

 

How might one accomplish this task you may ask? Well, tune it for future posts! One blog post is not going to cut. We’re not talking about re-post, or even a three-post. We are talking about a minimum 8-post on experiencing incredible sexual intimacy. Well, maybe not 8, but more than a couple! Yes!

Am I living the Abundant Life?

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I remember meeting with an influential friend of mine a while back. He was a well-recognized minister to the high-capacity, influential people. I had been requesting some hangout time with him and it took months to finally get on his schedule. I was hoping he would see something in me that would move him to invest some more of his time in me on a regular basis. After the initial pleasantries, I recall him looking across the table from me and asking, “But what exactly is it that you do that makes you feel like you are giving God your best?”

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I answered, “I consciously invite God into most moments of my day, and surrender to him. If I am thinking in a prideful, selfish, angry, negative or lazy way, I surrender that to him. If I am thinking negative about a co-worker, customer, my spouse, child, friend, etc., I surrender that to him. I seek direction for words and actions throughout the day, and when my head hits the pillow at night and I reflect on my day, I feel that for the most part, I have followed Jesus and that I have done what I was supposed to do that day. I feel, for the most part, that I am doing what God wants me to do in my everyday life.”

 

He flashed a smirk as I finished speaking. He looked at me and said, “Yeah, but, look at the scope of your influence. How many people do you really influence every day? I work with people who are speaking to hundreds and thousands. People who run companies worth tens and hundreds of millions of dollars. If I invest in those people, I get a huge return on my investment.” He went on to conclude that, because my business was small, and my influence was primarily family and close friends, I was kind of average in God’s eyes. Not worth the investment of a mentor to high-capacity people. It wasn’t done in a mean-spirited way. It was kind of an honest, “I don’t see a good fit here” moment. And, he was right. It wasn’t a good fit for either of us.

 

I walked away from that meeting with a strange sense of peace and confirmation. I have long pondered what the evidence for a “high-capacity” life looked like. Is it big numbers? Is it speaking on stage at conferences? Writing books? Leading large organizations, be it businesses, non-profits or churches? How will I know when I have arrived at high-capacity? I feel like God wants me to be “high-capacity” so I need to understand what the evidence of that would look like in my life, so that I can measure my progress towards that goal, get better, and finally make it one day.

 

Of course, when I go to God in prayer and ask for a “high-capacity” life, and meditate in his word, I am gently led away from such language. Jesus leads me to desire an “abundant life.” He talks about this in John 10:

 

  • I have come so that they (Bob Clinkert) may have life, and have it more abundantly – (NKJV).
  • My purpose is to give them (Bob Clinkert) a rich and satisfying life – (NLT).
  • I have come that they (Bob Clinkert) may have life, and have it to the full – (NIV).
  • I came so they (Bob Clinkert) can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they (Bob Clinkert)  ever dreamed of – (MSG).

 

So, Jesus came for the purpose of me having an abundant life. Like when Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber said to the waiter when he asked about the Soup Du Jour – “That sounds good. I’ll have that.” The abundant life sounds good. I’ll have that. But, how exactly do I get it, and just as important, how do I know when I have it so I can celebrate and stop looking for it? I have been pursuing those questions in my life for decades now. I’ve done in depth study of the Greek and Hebrew biblical text. I have studied science and the Bible. I have tried fasting and meditation. I have gotten heavily involved in leadership in my church, in the community, in local mission work, in global mission work, etc. I’ve invested a ton in being a good spouse and father. But, the abundant life has seemingly eluded me in all of that.

 

I am not alone in my exasperation with the desperate quest for the abundant life. Most everyone I know is on a similar quest – young and old, rich and poor, “high and low capacity,” religious and non-religious, etc. I remember praying one night and hearing the still small voice say, “What if you are searching for the wrong thing? Looking for the wrong evidence?” Huh. Is it possible that I have been wrong all along about the high-capacity thing? Is it possible that my definition of abundant and full life was the one given to me by the culture rather than the true definition given by God?

 

It’s seemed so obvious in that moment. The first will be last, the last will be first. The small are great and the great are small. The woman who gave two pennies gave much more money than those who gave millions. If you wish to be a leader become the servant of all. Love your enemies. Turn the other cheek. Go the extra mile. Most things in God’s kingdom run almost entirely opposite to the cultural definitions.

 

What if the high-capacity life wasn’t entirely about more of things the culture sees as valuable? What if it wasn’t about entirely about bigger crowds, bigger stages, bigger platforms? What if it wasn’t entirely about a stress free life full of happiness and devoid of pain and suffering? What if all of those things could be present, or could not be present, in the abundant life? What if those things were not the rock solid evidence of it? What if you took two mega stars with huge platforms and crowds, and one of them was living the abundant life, and one was not? How could you tell the difference?

 

One of the most profound “opposites” of Jesus is that you must become like a little child to enter the kingdom. I have come to discover that “becoming like a little child” means is continual surrender to God on a daily, hourly, moment to moment basis. Children are entirely controlled by the adults in their lives – and a big chunk of what they really want to do – eat too much candy, stay up late, skip school, not brush their teeth, play all day, have the toys they want – they do not get.

 

As I have been inviting Jesus’ control into every minute of my life, every thought, every word, every action, my life has begun to change tremendously on the inside. At the same time, I still think things I shouldn’t think, say things I shouldn’t say, and do things I shouldn’t do. I still experience some amount of frustration, sadness, depression, anger and feelings of worthlessness on a daily basis. I still feel defeated. I still have some significant issues I am struggling with in the lives of my kids and close friends. I still have issues in my business and with my partners, co-workers and customers.

 

In all of this, I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes, “Jesus didn’t come to make us safe. He came to make us brave.” The difference in my life, the major evidence of the abundance in my life, is the way in which I see my struggles – not the absence of them. I embrace my struggles. I am thankful for them. I want to do well in them. I no longer ask for removal of struggles. I pray that I may reflect the character of God in my struggles. I see my struggles and difficulties as proof of a full and abundant life.

 

Now, that is not to say that I do not have a lot of fun along the way. I thoroughly enjoy my life – in the midst of the ups AND downs. Only few people truly know all of my struggles and issues I deal with every day – but I am filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding deep within my core. I still panic at times – but it is short-lived, and does not go as deep as it once did.

 

I also have faith. Faith that I am also living a “high-capacity” life despite the evidence some of the high-capacity gurus out there might throw at me. God is responsible to bring fruit through my obedience. Period. When I try too hard to make the fruit myself – that is when I fail the biggest. And not only me, but every single “hero” and “high-capacity” person in the Bible. When they try to do the God-part in their lives they fail miserably – whether it’s Abraham trying to make the baby thing happen or Peter slashing an ear trying to make his version of the revolution happen.

 

My obedience, in the daily moments of my life, make a huge difference in God’s kingdom – even when I do not perceive them to. I am God’s Masterpiece – created anew in Christ Jesus to do the good works God has prepared in advance for me to do. I have come to discover that what I perceive to be good works, and what I perceive to be high-capacity, and what God sees as high-capacity, and good works, are often two completely different things – and, doesn’t that make sense that they would be? I am after all not God. His thoughts are not my thoughts. As high as the heavens are above the earth is how much higher God’s thoughts are than mine.

 

I am living a pretty cool story – but I have the confident faith that I only see a small portion of the story I am living. The story I do not see, the story I do not know about, would blow me away. Not because I am awesome, but because God takes my two fish and five loaves and multiplies it by the thousands. I am living the abundant life right now. If I die today, and I am never on the world stage, never make Oprah, and never get named Time’s person on the year, I have already lived an abundant life – because I have chosen childlike, humble obedience. It’s not the lack of, or the presence of a big platform. It’s the ongoing surrender of my life to God. On the world stage or in the obscurity of my family room. It’s the inside of the cup, not the outside, that makes it clean.

 

I am right where God wants me to be, living the abundant life of his Masterpiece – because I am surrendered to him in my daily thoughts, dreams, speech and actions. Not perfect, just surrendered. My struggles, depression, laughter and silliness are the evidence of my abundant life. I want the abundant masterpiece for the rest of my life, I want to spend my life helping those I influence realize the abundant masterpiece for their lives as well.

Coming clean – I have an addiction…

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I have been diligently seeking what it means to “unleash the masterpiece” in my own life and the lives of those I care about – which extends out from my family and immediate friends to the community and world around me.  surrenderSmall

 

I have learned that there are many external factors that can be barriers to “unleashing the masterpiece” in one’s life. These include but are not limited to: physical slavery, economic slavery, racial bias, lack of physical resources to provide for the daily needs, lack of access to mentors/role-models, education, training, networks, etc.

 

I believe there are many ways we can come together and make significant strides in each of these areas on a progressive, ongoing basis. I love brainstorming, executing and measuring results to get better next time around with all of these things.

 

However, I have come to discover that the foundation for “unleashing the masterpiece” comes from within – it’s an internal battle we all face daily – and it is not what we would expect it to be.

 

The “within” or “internal battle” I am talking about is the moment by moment control of our lives – our thoughts, attitudes, words and action. Each of us have two choices we will make every moment of every day until we die

 

  1. We are in charge of our lives – what we think, say and do on a moment to moment basis
  2. We surrender control of our lives to God (and others we trust on the journey) – we surrender what we think, say and do on a moment to moment basis.

 

You can have a million consecutive, successive moments of surrendering control in your life, and then experience a couple moments of wrestling that control back, and completely blow up your life in a NEGATIVE way. Fully constraining the “unleashing of your masterpiece”

 

On the flipside, you can have millions of consecutive, successive moments of NOT surrendering and being the god of your life, and then experience a couple moments of surrendering that control to God (and others you trust on the journey) and completely blow up your life in a POSITIVE way. Fully “unleashing your masterpiece” in those moments of surrender.

 

That is very powerful. I want to dedicate my life to removing the external barriers to “unleashing our masterpiece” – but at the same time I want to double-down on fighting the internal battle myself and helping others do the same.

 

We are all addicted to being our own gods for our own lives. It will never go away. We need the same 12 steps that physical addicts need – we need the same recovery.

 

Hi, I’m Bob. I am addicted to being god in my life.

 

I need help.

 

I will go to my grave with this condition.

 

I can only mitigate it with ongoing surrender and the loving support of others who care about me!

 

 

Chief Memory Officer – Be intentional about making memories

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Last Sunday night, my 8th grader, Michael, comes to me and asks, “Hey Dad, Bobby (his 23 yr old brother) wants to take me out at midnight tonight to buy the new Call of Duty game so we can play it together. Can I go?” The rest of this post discusses how we make these kinds of decisions as a family, and why we make them. Why a seemingly preposterous question like that would even be asked and entertained in the first place.

 

I just recently heard one of the best descriptions for one of the roles successful parents play well – the role of CMO or Chief Memory Officer.  cod

 

Due to some undeserved genetic wiring formed in the womb, this role has always come super easy to me. The wild and crazy in me often manifests itself by creating some pretty unique and special memories.

 

Back when my two oldest kids had fun hanging out with just dad, and didn’t need any friends along, we used to do dollar bowling together. The only problem is, dollar bowling was during a school night, from like 10PM to midnight. So, I made a deal with my kids. If you get your homework done right after school, and take a 2-3 hour nap, and your grades and performance in school don’t suffer, we can do the midnight bowling every week. That ended up being a pretty great memory – and also made other people think we were crazy.

 

I remember driving my oldest daughter and her friends to school, and telling them that if they could name 10 current Bears players before we got to the school, I would try to convince their parents to give them a special day off. Sure enough, they were able to get ten players named, and I had to make some pretty awkward phone calls to parents I didn’t know. Fortunately, they all agreed and we had another awesome memory in the making.

 

The list goes on. Some of the memories are crazier and grander than others, but all of them have been so very important in creating a healthy perspective of life, family, work and play. Balance in life is so important. I have been a leader of students in many different capacities for the last decade and more. So many students have a myopic and unbalanced view of “success.”

 

Everyone deserves a break. Grades and school are important, but so often they become “gods” that are worshipped above all else – especially in the lives of conservative Christian parents. School., school, school. Grades, grades, grades, College, etc.

 

Of course, we take school very seriously. We expect maximum effort as a family. If you are capable of an A and you get a B, you are going to be in more trouble than if a C is the best you can do with maximum effort and you get a C. That’s just how it’s always been in our house. We value school and education. I have a Master’s degree and was a National Merit Scholar top 1/4% finisher, etc. I love education and knocked it out of the park. But we have to make sure we do not worship it. Creating memories is sometimes more important than the routine of school.

 

When Michael asked me about the Call of Duty release night idea, I asked a few important questions. How are your grades? All A’s and B’s. How many classes would you miss in the morning? OK, do you have any tests in those classes? Any projects due? No. OK. How late will you stay up? 2AM. OK Wake up  at 10:00 leave for school at 10:30. We knew what classes he would miss, which ones he would make, and how/what he is doing in all of them.

 

Michael’s older brother Bobby is getting married next March, and will be moving out. What a great opportunity to make a special memory with his older brother before he is no longer around on a daily basis. This opportunity was too good for us to pass up. Michael is doing well in school, has a history of good grades, has a history of good leadership in school, athletics and church. Why not reward that behavior?

 

Rewarding good behavior in immediate, tangible, memorable ways is one great way to reinforce good behavior. Not all kids are academically gifted enough to be able to spontaneously miss days of school on a regular basis. Some of our kids were not. If the grades aren’t there, if the history isn’t there to recover from missed days of school, then we, as parents, worked out different ways to make memories – and/or we worked closely with the teachers to make sure the missed special day did not create a chain-reaction of pain later on.

 

I have done a couple all night movie marathons with Jon Woz. We have done a bunch of midnight movie showings as a family on school days. We’ve done short little day trips, etc. We’ve created some very unique memories in a responsible way – working with the grain – as it were – of each of our individual children.

 

The Call of Duty release night party was a smashing success. Both Bobby and Michael will remember it for the rest of their lives. Michael is caught up in school – no lingering effects of the day off. Bobby did fine at work the next day, and the routine of life continues. School, grades, academics, are very important and they always will be; but, people are more important than school, family is more important than grades.

 

Your kids will move out and leave the house one day. It will happen. Give them a great education and a foundation on which to build a successful life. Make sure that foundation has a little crazy fun built into as well. Make some memories. One of the most important roles you will play as a parent is Chief Memory Officer. Do it well!