Unleash The Masterpiece

Unleash vs Empower – The Next BIG Thing

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The words unleash and empower appear to be very similar at first glance; however, they are rooted into two different meanings. The difference between those two meanings has been driving a subtle, slowly developing, but fundamental shift in the ways in which we view individuals in our societies and cultures.

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Empower practically means to give someone else your power, or to share your power with another. Here are a few recent examples of people empowering me:

 

A good friend of mine inviting me to a conference where he was the keynote speaker. He mentioned me and my organization from stage several times, and during breaks, took the time to introduce me to influential people he knew at the conference.

 

A few years ago, my business partner and founder of the business, stepped aside for a year and asked me to run the business on his behalf during that time.

 

In both of those examples, people shared their power with me. It was theirs for the giving and my role was to graciously receive that power. Empowerment is a great practice both on the giving end and the receiving end. I support empowerment completely and believe it has been, and will remain valuable as long as there is power to give and receive.

 

The concept of unleash is quite different than that of empowerment. Unleash refers to the development of latent power, ability, passion, experience and gifts that are already inside of an individual. The concept of unleash is rooted in the world view that every single human being was born with innate worth and capabilities. I often reference a biblical concept from Ephesians 2:10 called Unleash the Masterpiece – the idea being – every single person ever born is a uniquely designed masterpiece, capable of greatly influencing the world around them.

 

Erwin McManus, pastor of Mosaic Church in California says it this way:

“There has never been an ordinary person born on this planet – ever!”

 

This worldview is relatively new – and is gaining momentum. Against the backdrop of history, common-folk were not seen as very valuable. Nobles, royalty, caste systems, etc., all worked against commoners at best, and at worst, enslaved and oppressed common-folk. Even in the days of the industrial revolution in the United States, assembly line workers, poverty stricken people living in slums, and other marginalized people groups had little value and protection in society.

 

Rights for women, the poor, civil rights, and other movements of the individual have created a groundswell of momentum for the concept of unleash. The recent seismic shifts of globalization, the democratization of mobile and computing technology, the internet, and most recently 3D printing have created a substantial foundation on which to unleash the masterpiece inherent in every individual.

 

While we as a society have become better at empowerment over the years, our capacity to fully unleash people is in its infancy. How do individuals optimally unleash themselves? How do organizations create a systematic environments to unleash the individual and collective masterpieces in their midst? These are important, relevant questions as we move further into the era of the Unleash Movement.

 

One of the nuances of this movement is, that the responsibility for the movement itself is shifting from the elite to the masses. While Erwin McManus noted that there has never been an ordinary child ever born, he also bemoans the fact that:

“Many of us die, painfully, tragically ordinary.”

 

The elite leadership of our culture, the givers, bear the primary responsibility for empowerment; but we, as individuals, bear the primary responsibility for our personal unleashing. This is a big deal. While we need our environment and the people in our lives to assist us in the unleash process, the buck ultimately stops (and starts) with us individually.

 

Governments cannot pass laws to make you unleash. Organizations cannot force you to unleash. Parents and teachers cannot impose unleash on their children and students. We have to want it, we have to be proactive, we have to work to make it happen – each of us, individually.

 

We can create systems, frameworks and processes to create the optimal environment in which those who are willing can fully unleash their masterpiece. This is an intentional, deliberate and intelligent process for the both the individual and the support systems around them.

 

The Unleash Movement has already begun. For the first time in history, the foundations of the world are developing to provide an opportunity for all of us, from the least to the greatest, from the richest to the poorest, from the most powerful to the weakest among us, to fully unleash the masterpiece within ourselves. Do you believe those around you are masterpieces waiting to be unleashed? Do you believe it about yourself? What are you willing do about it? There has never, ever been a better time than right now!

 

Abundant Sex! Part Six – Healthy Sex Life means Healthy Marriage

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Welcome to the sixth Abundant Sex! blog post! It’s been a week since my last post! In the last post we discussed how feeling attractive and sexy increases sexual attraction – especially for the ladies!

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Principle #4 of Abundant Sex! is: A Healthy Sex Life is a Strong Indicator of Healthy Marriage! (Unfortunately, the converse is also true: unhealthy sex life is a strong Indicator of an unhealthy marriage)

 

Since a healthy sex life is dependent on so many things outside of the physical act – including emotional intimacy, connection, etc., it follows that where there is great, healthy sex there is a great, healthy marriage – especially after many years of being married.

 

It’s not that great marriages need great sex (even though I would argue most do), it is more so that, great sex requires a great marriage. If great, healthy sex is present, then a great, healthy marriage is sure to be found as well.

 

Why is this? Think about it. If you have been married for many years – especially if you have kids – sex of any kind is difficult – great or not-so-great. You are likely physically, emotionally and/or mentally drained by the end of the day, on many days, if not most days.

 

The newness of the initial sexual attraction is not so new anymore. After many years of living together you will have discovered most, if not all of the habits and behaviors that your spouse has that range anywhere from mildly irritating to full-out annoying the heck out of you. You will have seen your spouse at their worst on many occasions. You will have experienced fighting about the usual subjects and the usual suspects, that are usually present when you do argue.

 

The honeymoon, as it were, is over. Many couples experience a decrease in sexual fulfilment as the years of marriage begin to add up. While this is not unusual, it is also not necessary – as this series of blog posts intends to support.

 

Let’s look at the flip-side. If a couple, married for many years – with kids even – is able to make the time and effort, for mutually satisfying healthy sex, good things are happening in the marriage overall. I guarantee it!

 

Let’s break it down. For most women to be in the right mood, and not only willing, but eagerly awaiting, a late evening sexual encounter with their husband, they need to feel loved, cherished, romanced and valued (and sexy, as we learned from the last post!). While different women prefer different ways of being loved, cherished, romanced and valued (and sexy), those things pretty much have to be there. If the two of you are still (quietly) swinging from the light fixture in your bedroom after all of the kids go to bed – the lady is probably feeling pretty loved, cherished, romanced, valued and sexy to get there.

 

Arousal and sexual fulfilment in women is more complicated than it is for most men. Women need to have a sense of balance and integration in most areas of their lives to focus on sexual fulfilment. While most men can almost immediately transition from any mood or previous activity into satisfying sexual expression, most women cannot easily do the same. The ability to for a woman to achieve heightened arousal and org*sm is an indicator of a healthy and balanced life in general – emotionally, physically and mentally.

 

Keep in mind, that when I use the term great, healthy sex life, there are a couple of noteworthy stipulations that come with the healthy part.

 

Stipulation 1: Exclusivity of sexual activity. If you are having an affair, frequenting strip clubs and/or deeply ingrained in pornography – that might be fueling sexual desire leading to good physical sexual intimacy – but that is not healthy. More on that in a later post.

 

Stipulation 2: There are seasons and times in a marriage where great, healthy sex is not possible and that is OK – so long as it doesn’t last too long. If you are having a tough couple of days at the office, dealing with being sick, grieving a loss of life, having serious issues with your kids or your extended family, etc., it is not unusual for those things to put a temporary damper on fun and exciting bedroom activities. It’s normal. Don’t worry about it. If you are in an emotional or physical condition for weeks and weeks with absolutely no sexual desire that may be a sign of a more serious problem and you should seek some external, professional support.

 

Stipulation 3: Great, healthy sex is mutually satisfying. By that I mean, great for both husband and wife – including fulfilment for both – most of the time. If you are faking fulfilment most of the time to keep your spouse fulfilled sexually, that’s not healthy – for you or your spouse. There are going to be days where it might just not be happening for whatever reason. It’s unhealthy to obsess about the once-in-a-while lack of mutual fulfilment. It’s normal. It is the extended lack of mutual fulfilment that should be cause for concern.

 

The topics of fulfilment and mutually satisfying sex can be very difficult for some couples. We will discuss fulfilment and mutually fulfilling sex in the next blog post!

 

Abundant Sex – Part Five – Feeling Attractive!

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Welcome to the fifth Abundant Sex! blog post! In the last post we discussed how emotional intimacy/romance is very closely tied to meaningful sexual intimacy. We also learned that it requires valuing and honoring the other person enough to meet their needs, especially when their needs do not match your own.

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Kind of ironic how great sex depends on so many things that have seemingly so little to do with sex! That is because we are fully integrated beings. All of our thoughts, feelings, emotions and all of the contexts we live in are all mashed up and mixed together like spaghetti.

 

Principle #3 of Abundant Sex! is: Feeling attractive and sexy increases sexual fulfilment – especially for the ladies!

 

I remember hearing of a big survey many years ago. This questions was posed, “If you had the choice between these two, which of the two would you choose?”

 

  • You are incredibly sexy, but your spouse was average looking
  • You are average looking, but your spouse is incredibly sexy

 

Men and women each overwhelmingly chose one of those over the other one. And, as you might have guessed, men and women overwhelmingly chose the opposite ones. Who chose what? Men chose the sexy spouse over being sexy themselves, and women chose being sexy over having a sexy spouse. Sorry, both sexy was not an option in the survey!!

 

What is means for a woman to feel attractive can be somewhat different than what it means for a man to feel attractive. Why did the male and female genders pick so differently?

 

Women want to feel beautiful; however they typically see themselves as less beautiful than they really are.  Men on the other hand, have the uncanny ability to feel gorgeous even when reality is far from that. Men just naturally feel good about their looks, their bodies, etc. As such, men feel like they can demand better looking partners – because hey, they deserve it!

 

There is a really cool DOVE Real Beauty commercial where a police sketch artist has a woman describe herself, and he makes a hidden sketch from that. Then, the woman’s friends describe her to a police sketch artist, and he makes a hidden sketch based on that. When they compare the two, the following two concepts appear everytime

 

  1. The woman has a much less attractive version of herself in her head than her friends do
  2. The picture based on the friends’ description always looks much more like the woman looks in real life.

 

When the women see the two pictures, there are usually tears of joy. It’s a pretty emotional commercial. You should check it out if you have not seen it. You can see it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk

 

There is a super funny parody of that commercial involving guys getting their picture drawn by the same police sketch artists. The results are what you would expect:

 

  1. The pictures made from the self-description all look like Brad Pitt
  2. The pictures made from the descriptions of others are decidedly less unattractive, and unfortunately look more like the guy does in real life!

 

Here is the parody video with the guys: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Jiwo3u6Vo

 

This pattern of how women view themselves has an impact on their experience with sexual intimacy.

 

Here is a general rule of thumb – true for most, probably not true for all: The more beautiful a woman feels on the inside and the outside, the more she will enjoy sexual intimacy.

 

Since women tend to have a bunch of negative self-talk floating around in their minds all the time, it is possible to inflict a kind of self-sabotage their own sexual fulfilment to some extent.

 

Women need to be very careful about what messages they allow to come in and set up shop in their minds. Inside of every woman are two self-image voices that are constantly at war with each other. The positive self-image voice and the negative one.

 

Often times which voice wins is determined by which voice gets reinforced more in a given day, and what are the sources of that reinforcement.

 

For the ladies, when your thoughts wander to physical images of other women, either in real life, TV/movies, and/or social media, remember that you are seeing the airbrushed, photo-shopped versions of reality. As Steven Furtick would say, we are comparing our behind-the-scenes footage with everyone else’s highlight reels. If you allow yourself to get too caught up in this comparison, it will limit your sexual fulfilment and ultimately destroy romantic love in your relationship. I’m not even talking about pornography (that will be another blog post) I am talking about just regular TV, social media, Hollywood movies, etc.

 

As a woman, you need to be able to see through all of the image manipulation, make-up, spanx and airbrushing so that you can have the proper self-image. You are beautiful, attractive and desirable. No, really, you are! Your man is lucky to have you! Seriously! You need to know that and believe it!

 

As a woman, you need to prioritize things that make you feel beautiful. As a man with any sense at all, you need to support the things that make your dream girl feel beautiful. It is a little different for every woman, but it includes things like hair cuts/highlights/coloring/styles, hair products, makeup, manicures/pedicures, makeovers, spa-days, clothes, underwear, etc!

 

Ladies, and the adoring men in their lives need to be willing and able to budget for clothes, beauty/hair products and other physical pampering. It is a should be considered a necessity – even though women typically think of themselves and put themselves last.

 

How about the guys? Well, first and foremost, we need to make the dream girl in our lives feel beautiful, attractive, sexy, desirable. We need to let them hold our attention, turn our heads, make our hearts beat faster. Send flirty texts, posts, messages during the day. Passionately kiss your dream girl  goodbye before leaving for work. Leave romantic notes and cards around. Plan romantic dinners, outings and weekend. Make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world – because, to you she is!!

 

Secondly, for the guys, we need to groom ourselves well and dress ourselves well If you have half-inch tufts of hair growing out of your nose and ears, and you haven’t brushed your teeth in 24 hours, you are going to find Abundant Sex somewhat elusive.

 

Guys, we need to dress well too. Sweatpants and undershirts all the time is not very sexy! Clothes make the man. While that is not entirely true, we usually can make more of an effort. Additionally, often times we can use some fashion advice. If you are like most guys, and you were not born with a commanding sense of fashion, let your significant other help you buy and pick out your clothes!

 

For both men and women, we need to take care of ourselves physically. We need to exercise and stay in shape. It will help us feel sexier, and help us perform better physically when it comes to sex. We will actually look better and feel better. We need to eat healthy. We need to get enough sleep. Physical exhaustion does not make well for Abundant Sex. We need to have regular health checkups and physicals, etc.  When we take care of ourselves physically, we look better, feel better, and we will experience more fulfilling sexual intimacy.

 

Feeling attractive and sexyleads to a better sex life! Do what you need to do for yourself to feel more attractive, and don’t forget to make your spouse feel like they are the most attractive and sexy person in the world!! See you next post!

Abundant Sex! – Part Four – Emotional Intimacy

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Welcome back to abundant sex! In the last post we discussed the first principle of laying the foundation for your marriage on mentoring. You need three types of mentoring in your life on a regular basis: One: intentional relationships with couples that have much more experience than you do in being happily married. Two: at least 50% of your social/free time spent with individuals/couples on the same journey as you who value the same things in marriage and relationships. Three: being intentional about mentoring couples and individuals with less experience than you.

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This week we will be discussing the second abundant sex principle: Emotional Intimacy.

 

I remember a discussion in the Pre Cana, premarital counseling class Vicky and I attended when we were engaged. The guy instructor said, “Great sex starts in the kitchen!” Of course, my immediate thoughts were, wow, that’s kinky! Like, kitchen table? Swinging from the light fixture? Experimenting with items from the refrigerator? I wonder what he means?!?

 

Well,he didn’t mean that great sex starts with actual physical acts of sex in the kitchen (unfortunately). He meant that great sex starts with the husband honoring his wife by helping out in the kitchen. Making dinner regularly, helping with the dishes regularly, helping with shopping regularly, etc. That blew my mind when I first heard it.

 

Of course, after having been married 25 years now, it makes so much more sense to me. There are well-known books that discuss the concept known as Love Languages. The most popular authors out there have identified five of them. The important part of the concept with regards to abundant sex is that, believe it or not, the physical sex act is prioritized in importance differently for different people. Additionally, what gets people in the mood for sex is different for different people.

 

Let’s look at the specific example of great sex starting in the kitchen. There are a few things going on here. When my wife feels loved and valued by me in ways that invest in her emotionally, and non-sexually, she is going to feel better about me in general. When I go out of my way to remove some of the burdens and chores in her life, to help her in ways that are practical and somewhat obvious, she is going to be more likely to naturally go out of her way to value and honor me.

 

When I consider things important, purely because they are important to my wife, that values her greatly. If small gifts are important to her and I make it a priority to surprise her every now and then that values her. If spending one-on-one time with her is important to her, I can value her by not only having regular date nights, but to take the stress out of the planning by coordinating child care, rides for the kids to their activities, etc. If my wife has to do all the work and all of the no-fun stuff related to having a date night, she is going to naturally not enjoy it as much as if I share the burdens with her. If encouraging words are important to her, I can write her notes, give her heart-felt cards with messages in them, send fun, encouraging, flirty texts and FB messages to her during the day, etc.

 

All of these seemingly little investments and displays of honor and value  can remind my wife of why she fell in love with me in the first place. It creates an atmosphere of non-sexual romance – which, can very often times be followed by sexual intimacy later on when the time is right. Non-sexual romance is so huge is creating rich and satisfying sexual intimacy. Great sex can start in the kitchen.

 

I remember the lady who taught the Pre Cana class telling us that her husband looks super sexy when he bathes the kids at night, changes diapers and gets them ready for bed. It’s about value, honor, caring and romance. Spouses need to cherish each other.

 

Nothing kills the mood faster and more completely than unkind words, actions that so apathy towards someone’s hard work and effort, etc. Creating the right atmosphere in the normal routines of daily living often times leads to incredible passion in the bedroom.

 

Additionally, abundant sex is related to energy levels. If your spouse is physically exhausted by the time they get to bed, instead of getting a fireworks display you might bet a single firecracker or maybe even a smoke bomb. If your spouse is doing all of the shopping, cooking cleaning, washing AND PUTTING AWAY of clothes, etc., forget about the lack of value she may feel, she will just be way too exhausted to fully engage in sexual intimacy later that night.

 

Another big romance killer I have a habit of falling prey to is starting intense and stressful topics of discussion as we turn into bed for the night. That’s a classic mood killer right there. Sex or no sex, discussing stressful issues before bed is never a good idea. It is really just laziness on my part – not creating the time and space to have the discussions during parts of the day that are better suited mentally, emotionally and physically for stressful discussions.

 

So the abundant sex principle of Emotional Intimacy is all about finding creative ways to regularly honor and value your spouse in ways that are meaningful to them – in their preferred love languages as it were. Of course, some people get too militant about which one is the number one and you can get stuck in a rut. Truthfully, my wife loves to be treated to all of the love languages as often as she can. It’s not as black and white as people may think it is. It’s not like Vicky only loves gifts and doesn’t care about kind words. She would like nice gifts, kind words, one on one time, etc. To really honor your spouse, mix it up. Keep it exciting.

 

This is not easy to do. As I am writing this, I am being convicted of my lack of creativity in these areas lately. It’s easy for me to get into ruts, habits and lose the freshness. If I really want to cherish Vicky, I need to keep it creative. Creativity and romance go well together, and emotional intimacy (non-sexual romance) and sexual intimacy also go well together. It is almost impossible to have one without the other.

 

If you know a couple that is still having great, mutually satisfying, exclusive sexual intimacy after 15, 20, 25, 30 years of marriage, you can be guaranteed that there is a very healthy amount non-sexual romance in terms of emotional intimacy. That not only pays dividends in the bedroom, but it makes daily life in marriage so much more fun and enjoyable!!

 

Abundant Sex – Part Three – Mentoring and Hang Time

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Welcome back to abundant sex blog number three – mentoring!

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Last time we discussed the importance of building everything in your life, especially romantic love and sexual intimacy, on a solid foundation of tried-and-true principles. We learned that principles develop the fully unique and individualistically creative expression of romantic love and sexual intimacy. It is the dummies books, the formulaic, the 1-2-3 guides that create the restrictions, the boredom, the mediocre in our lives.

 

So, principles are the foundation.

 

First principle: You need mentors and mentoring.

 

You need that in every aspect of your life, especially for romantic love and sexual intimacy. We are not talking about anything creepy – no soft-core training videos, we’re not inviting anyone into our bedrooms. None of that. There are much more effective and healthy forms of mentoring than that.

 

What do I mean by mentors AND mentoring? There are actually three parts to it:

  • You need to be in mentoring relationships with those who have significantly more experience than you do in long-term, joyful, mutually satisfying, romantic relationships.
  • You need to be in what I call mutual mentoring relationships where you are in co-mentoring relationships with those who have a similar level of life/relationship experience as you do. Friends, neighbors, people you would hang with on a semi-regular basis
  • You need to be in mentoring relationships with those who have significantly less experience than you do in romantic relationships.

 

You need all three, and for most people, for most couples, it will be difficult to find, develop and maintain each of those three types of mentoring relationships. Often times it will be very difficult. But, it’s the hard that makes it great. (again, no pun intended)

 

My wife Vicky and I were non-practicing Catholics when we got engaged. The priest at the local Church we wanted to get married at, recommended/required Catholic premarital counseling called Pre Cana. Vicky was 20 and I was 22. Our weekly Pre Cana class had about 5 other engaged couples in it of varying ages. The leader of the weekly class, much to our surprise, was a married couple. One who was married for about 10 years, maybe a little more, and they had 3 or 4 kids.

 

The weekly sessions were often awkward, especially at first. The topic of conversation included things like: finances, babysitting, date nights, dinner and dishes, toilet seats, taking care of the kids, shopping, cuddling, foreplay, nude dancing, org*sms and the different ways men and women experience them – pre, during and post org*sm (which included some pretty funny charts and graphs), sexual fulfilment of men vs women, some specifics on sexual activity, you name it.

 

It was pretty embarrassing at times – but it was extremely valuable and informative. The truth is, those classes, or more specifically, the investment of that couple into our lives for those eight weeks or so, has made, and continues to make a HUGE DIFFERENCE in our marriage to this day. The beginnings and foundations of many of the healthier habits and perspectives we have in our marriage as a whole, including romantic love and sexual intimacy, are a direct result of that couple’s investment in us.

 

Doing it in a group setting was very awkward and embarrassing at times, but, the dynamic created resulted in questions being asked and answered that would never have been asked or answered in a more one-on-one format. Opinions were shared, stories were shared. Hopes and dreams were shared. The interactions between the other couples being invested in were a huge part of the success of the experience.

 

You will not be anywhere near as successful in any areas of your life – especially one as difficult and important as long lasting romantic love and meaningful physical and sexual intimacy – without the three types of mentoring.

 

Now, it is important to state another principle. Only take advice from those who you would like to be like. I remember working out with my cousin, who is probably one of the biggest, strongest guys I have ever met in my life.  I remember this annoying, skinny, weak, know-it-all coming up to him and giving him some advice on body-building. My cousin, who also has the gift of blunt and direct communication, said, “If I want a body like yours, then I will take advice from you. I don’t like the way your body looks. I don’t like how weak you are. So I will never take advice from you on bodybuilding”

 

Ouch! But, it’s true. If you ever have to choose between taking football passing advice from me or Peyton Manning, you know what to do. Do not allow yourself to be advised, to have your thinking shaped and moulded, by those who do not have a life, or component of life that you desire to duplicate.

 

Getting advice on meaningful sexual intimacy from pornographic movies, books, videos, magazines, whatever, is not going to create the thinking, habits, speech and behaviors that create meaningful sexual intimacy. It should be a no-brainer.

 

Taking romantic advice from your friends who have gone from relationship to relationship, or who have less than stellar relationships and marriage themselves does not make sense. That doesn’t mean you don’t like them or respect those people as individuals and friends. You just do not let them cross the healthy boundary of moulding and shaping your experience in an area of life that they are not qualified to advise you in.

 

Don’t take investment advice from people who a broke or career advice from people who work taco-filling station at Taco Bell.

 

Add up all of the discretionary free time you have, the activities you have engaged in, and the people you have hung out with. If you cannot identify more than 50% of those activities to include people who have life competencies that you desire to have in your life, you need to change who you hang out with.

 

If you are a girl and spend most of your time hanging out with man-hating women, man-loving women, or women in lousy relationships guess what? That is going to affect your relationship with your significant other.

 

If you are a guy and spend a big chunk of your time with guys that objectify women and are out looking for one thing, not faithful to their significant relationships, going to strip clubs, and not experiencing mutually fulfilling and respectful romantic love and sexual intimacy in their lives, then you will become more like them. It’s the principle of gravitational attraction.

 

This is where it gets really difficult. I am not saying that you cannot associate with anyone, ever who does not share your same dream for romantic love and sexual intimacy.

 

I am saying that a simple rule of thumb is the 50% rule. If more than 50% of the content you consume, the people you hang out with, and/or the activities you do are not uplifting your dream for romantic love and sexual intimacy, YOU NEED TO CHANGE THAT – AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE!

 

That’s not easy. It may mean developing some new friendships and cooling off some existing ones. It may mean finding some different hobbies or ways to have fun, with or without your significant other. It may mean getting serious about a pornography addiction. It may even mean finding a different career or vocation. How important is a healthy romantic relationship to you?

 

Like I said, this is not easy. This is precisely why so many people have mediocre-at-best long-term romantic love and sexual intimacy. They do not invest in it daily and they do not prioritize it in their relationships, activities and thought life.

 

You are not going to be a world-class athlete without discipline, hard-work, making difficult priority calls, aggressively seeking the best coaching, the best teammates  and the best environment.

 

You are not going to have abundant, world-class romantic love and sexual intimacy without the same effort and process in those specific areas. Period. The choice is yours.

 

This applies to each of the three areas.

 

One: You need to get to know people and intentionally put yourself in the path of people who have been HAPPILY married for much longer than you, and have marriages that you would really like to imitate, AND ARE WILLING TO mentor you. Do you think that will be easy to do? (Answer: most likely not) Are you praying for it? Are you asking around? Are you researching?

 

Two: Are you intentionally spending at least 50% of your hangout time with people who have similar dreams, goals, and aspirations for their romantic relationships and sexual intimacy? If not, go get some new friends who do and hang out with them instead. Do you think this will be easy to do? (Answer: most likely not) Are you praying for it? Are you asking around? Are  you doing embarrassing things like Meet-up to find new friends? Are you making yourself available to be the right friend in order to find the right friends?

 

Three: Are you intentionally investing in people with less experience than you, partially with the agenda that you want to be a role-model for them? Do you think that will be easy to do? Do you think it might be a little awkward in the beginning? (Answer: heck yeah it will be)

 

Allow me to let you in on a little secret – if you would like to be good at something – TEACH IT TO SOMEONE ELSE. You will learn a ton and get much better at it yourself in the process! It will benefit you more than it benefits the people you are teaching.

 

I used to substitute teach Calculus and advanced math classes at a local junior college. The most difficult part was having to re-learn the material every time. For me to do a good job, not embarrass myself and not waste the students’ time, I had to know the topic better than they did.

 

That is the hidden benefit – The-Bono-from-U2-Karma principle. Investing in people, with less experience than you – hanging out and doing peer mentoring to benefit others –  will actually benefit you more every time. I guarantee it.

 

This solid mentoring regimen includes all three aspects in terms of live, one-on-one, personal relationships. But it also includes content – books, audio, video, conference, Pre Cana classes, individual marriage counseling, group marriage counseling, engagement counseling, premarital group counseling, courses, seminars, etc. These content-centric and group-centric activities provide SUPPORT, BACKGROUND and STRUCTURE for the live, one-on-one, personal relationships. They ARE NOT A SUBSTITUTE OR A REPLACEMENT for them.

 

So yeah, it’s getting a little less fun and a little more serious – but that’s life in the big city. If it was easy, everyone would be experience abundant sex in the context of long-term, happy, mutually satisfying, romantic relationships. Unfortunately, examples of those doing it well for decades with the same person, are in short supply. That is because it is very difficult to do. It will cost you something – but it’s a price worth paying!! Trust me!

 

Check our principle number two coming soon!

 

 

Abundant Sex – Part Two – The Foundation

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Welcome back to abundant sex. Last time we discussed that God, the creator of sex, wants us to experience an abundant, awesome sex life. When you do sexual intimacy the way God designed it to be done, it will be so good that movie stars, rock stars and sports stars be like, “Dang, that couple is having some amazing sex! I’m so jeal-ey!!”

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In this post we will discuss how to build romantic love and sexual intimacy on a solid foundation. If you want to build something to last, it’s gotta be built on a foundation that is deep, structurally sound, and will not move or shift over time.

 

Many of us of seen, in one form or another, a physical foundation – most likely in the walls of our crawl space or basement – or in the piers of a deck, or, well, the piers of a pier 🙂

 

But what does a non-physical foundation look like? A mental, spiritual, emotional, romantic foundation? What makes that kind of foundation strong and able to withstand the test of time? Thanks for asking. The answer is – principles.

 

Here are a few examples of principles in action. First from the business world. From the book on entrepreneurship, Zero to One, by Peter Thiel,

 

The paradox of teaching entrepreneurship is that such a formula necessarily cannot exist; because every innovation is new and unique, no authority can prescribe in concrete terms how to be innovative. Indeed, the single most powerful pattern I have noticed is that successful entrepreneurs find value in unexpected places, and they do this by thinking about business first from principles instead of formulas.

 

We all want formulas. We want the dummies book for everything. Formulas are passive, take out much of the guess work and make things easier – unfortunately – they kill creativity and unique expression.

 

Principles on the other hand are active. They require individual engagement and hard work in order to incorporate them to a meaningful extent.

 

Think of some business principles.

 

Buy Low and Sell High.

Supply and Demand

 

How long have those been around? How about Warren Buffett’s foundational investing principle that made him a billionaire:

Rule #1 – Don’t Lose Money.

 

 

Another example of something built on a solid foundation of principles – the cell phone. All cell phones are based on the engineering principle of the propagation of electromagnetic waves in free space. This principle was developed hundreds of years ago by super-smart scientists – long before we had the creative expression of technology to actually do anything with it. Fist came radios, then television, then radar, microwaves and finally cell phones. All based on the same foundational principle.

 

What do these examples tell us about principles?

 

  • Principles are typically old – often very old. They are usually tried, tested, and verified by many people over decades, centuries or even millennia.

 

  • Principles are generally true for all time and are generally true in all contexts. If you see a principle that once was true and no longer is, or is not true in some contexts, then it was probably never a real principle to start with

 

  • Principles require active, ongoing engagement for successful implementation.

 

Active engagement with principles can be defined as follows:

 

  • Ask
    • You need the desire to live by certain principles – you need to ask for them
  • Listen
    • You need to listen to trusted sources for the principles you are asking for
  • Understand
    • You need to make sure you have enough understanding of the principle to begin a successful engagement with it
  • Apply
    • You need to apply the principle in your life – regularly – monthly, weekly, daily, hourly. Application is personal, practical engagement. It takes hard work and frequent practice.
  • Feedback
    • You need feedback, external feedback from others on how well you are following that principle. You do not know what you don’t know. It helps greatly if those people giving you feedback are recognized as successfully engaging the principle you are asking for feedback on.

 

If you are not actively engaging principles using the five methods described above, those principles will never become a solid foundation for you.

 

If you choose to look for formulas instead of principles – the easy way out – things may not go very well for you. Formulas create assembly lines that are boring, tiresome, nothing to look forward to, and to some extent, enslaving.

 

Principles on the other hand can create amazing diversity. Go back to cell phones. The principle of the propagation of electromagnetic waves has created iPhones, Androids, Samsung Galaxies, Phablets like the Galaxy Note (sorry, I’m an android guy!). That is incredible diversity and exciting implementation that has artistic value in addition to amazing utility.

 

Think about the principles that result in successful entrepreneurs. The fruit of their labor has created – microfinance, technology start-ups, etc. These have changed our lives – and changed the world. Incredibly diverse, creative and meaningful.

 

If formulas can enslave us – principles can free us. In other words, principles can help us to unleash the unique masterpiece that we have been created to be in every aspect of our lives – including sexual intimacy and romantic love.

 

Engaging the principles of deep romantic love and abundant sex with creativity and hard work will result in a unique, romantic masterpiece – a one-of-a kind work of art that will be fulfilling and will inspire others.


What are some of the foundational principles of abundant romantic love / abundant sexual intimacy? Tune in for the next couple blogs!!

Am I living the Abundant Life?

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I remember meeting with an influential friend of mine a while back. He was a well-recognized minister to the high-capacity, influential people. I had been requesting some hangout time with him and it took months to finally get on his schedule. I was hoping he would see something in me that would move him to invest some more of his time in me on a regular basis. After the initial pleasantries, I recall him looking across the table from me and asking, “But what exactly is it that you do that makes you feel like you are giving God your best?”

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I answered, “I consciously invite God into most moments of my day, and surrender to him. If I am thinking in a prideful, selfish, angry, negative or lazy way, I surrender that to him. If I am thinking negative about a co-worker, customer, my spouse, child, friend, etc., I surrender that to him. I seek direction for words and actions throughout the day, and when my head hits the pillow at night and I reflect on my day, I feel that for the most part, I have followed Jesus and that I have done what I was supposed to do that day. I feel, for the most part, that I am doing what God wants me to do in my everyday life.”

 

He flashed a smirk as I finished speaking. He looked at me and said, “Yeah, but, look at the scope of your influence. How many people do you really influence every day? I work with people who are speaking to hundreds and thousands. People who run companies worth tens and hundreds of millions of dollars. If I invest in those people, I get a huge return on my investment.” He went on to conclude that, because my business was small, and my influence was primarily family and close friends, I was kind of average in God’s eyes. Not worth the investment of a mentor to high-capacity people. It wasn’t done in a mean-spirited way. It was kind of an honest, “I don’t see a good fit here” moment. And, he was right. It wasn’t a good fit for either of us.

 

I walked away from that meeting with a strange sense of peace and confirmation. I have long pondered what the evidence for a “high-capacity” life looked like. Is it big numbers? Is it speaking on stage at conferences? Writing books? Leading large organizations, be it businesses, non-profits or churches? How will I know when I have arrived at high-capacity? I feel like God wants me to be “high-capacity” so I need to understand what the evidence of that would look like in my life, so that I can measure my progress towards that goal, get better, and finally make it one day.

 

Of course, when I go to God in prayer and ask for a “high-capacity” life, and meditate in his word, I am gently led away from such language. Jesus leads me to desire an “abundant life.” He talks about this in John 10:

 

  • I have come so that they (Bob Clinkert) may have life, and have it more abundantly – (NKJV).
  • My purpose is to give them (Bob Clinkert) a rich and satisfying life – (NLT).
  • I have come that they (Bob Clinkert) may have life, and have it to the full – (NIV).
  • I came so they (Bob Clinkert) can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they (Bob Clinkert)  ever dreamed of – (MSG).

 

So, Jesus came for the purpose of me having an abundant life. Like when Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber said to the waiter when he asked about the Soup Du Jour – “That sounds good. I’ll have that.” The abundant life sounds good. I’ll have that. But, how exactly do I get it, and just as important, how do I know when I have it so I can celebrate and stop looking for it? I have been pursuing those questions in my life for decades now. I’ve done in depth study of the Greek and Hebrew biblical text. I have studied science and the Bible. I have tried fasting and meditation. I have gotten heavily involved in leadership in my church, in the community, in local mission work, in global mission work, etc. I’ve invested a ton in being a good spouse and father. But, the abundant life has seemingly eluded me in all of that.

 

I am not alone in my exasperation with the desperate quest for the abundant life. Most everyone I know is on a similar quest – young and old, rich and poor, “high and low capacity,” religious and non-religious, etc. I remember praying one night and hearing the still small voice say, “What if you are searching for the wrong thing? Looking for the wrong evidence?” Huh. Is it possible that I have been wrong all along about the high-capacity thing? Is it possible that my definition of abundant and full life was the one given to me by the culture rather than the true definition given by God?

 

It’s seemed so obvious in that moment. The first will be last, the last will be first. The small are great and the great are small. The woman who gave two pennies gave much more money than those who gave millions. If you wish to be a leader become the servant of all. Love your enemies. Turn the other cheek. Go the extra mile. Most things in God’s kingdom run almost entirely opposite to the cultural definitions.

 

What if the high-capacity life wasn’t entirely about more of things the culture sees as valuable? What if it wasn’t about entirely about bigger crowds, bigger stages, bigger platforms? What if it wasn’t entirely about a stress free life full of happiness and devoid of pain and suffering? What if all of those things could be present, or could not be present, in the abundant life? What if those things were not the rock solid evidence of it? What if you took two mega stars with huge platforms and crowds, and one of them was living the abundant life, and one was not? How could you tell the difference?

 

One of the most profound “opposites” of Jesus is that you must become like a little child to enter the kingdom. I have come to discover that “becoming like a little child” means is continual surrender to God on a daily, hourly, moment to moment basis. Children are entirely controlled by the adults in their lives – and a big chunk of what they really want to do – eat too much candy, stay up late, skip school, not brush their teeth, play all day, have the toys they want – they do not get.

 

As I have been inviting Jesus’ control into every minute of my life, every thought, every word, every action, my life has begun to change tremendously on the inside. At the same time, I still think things I shouldn’t think, say things I shouldn’t say, and do things I shouldn’t do. I still experience some amount of frustration, sadness, depression, anger and feelings of worthlessness on a daily basis. I still feel defeated. I still have some significant issues I am struggling with in the lives of my kids and close friends. I still have issues in my business and with my partners, co-workers and customers.

 

In all of this, I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes, “Jesus didn’t come to make us safe. He came to make us brave.” The difference in my life, the major evidence of the abundance in my life, is the way in which I see my struggles – not the absence of them. I embrace my struggles. I am thankful for them. I want to do well in them. I no longer ask for removal of struggles. I pray that I may reflect the character of God in my struggles. I see my struggles and difficulties as proof of a full and abundant life.

 

Now, that is not to say that I do not have a lot of fun along the way. I thoroughly enjoy my life – in the midst of the ups AND downs. Only few people truly know all of my struggles and issues I deal with every day – but I am filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding deep within my core. I still panic at times – but it is short-lived, and does not go as deep as it once did.

 

I also have faith. Faith that I am also living a “high-capacity” life despite the evidence some of the high-capacity gurus out there might throw at me. God is responsible to bring fruit through my obedience. Period. When I try too hard to make the fruit myself – that is when I fail the biggest. And not only me, but every single “hero” and “high-capacity” person in the Bible. When they try to do the God-part in their lives they fail miserably – whether it’s Abraham trying to make the baby thing happen or Peter slashing an ear trying to make his version of the revolution happen.

 

My obedience, in the daily moments of my life, make a huge difference in God’s kingdom – even when I do not perceive them to. I am God’s Masterpiece – created anew in Christ Jesus to do the good works God has prepared in advance for me to do. I have come to discover that what I perceive to be good works, and what I perceive to be high-capacity, and what God sees as high-capacity, and good works, are often two completely different things – and, doesn’t that make sense that they would be? I am after all not God. His thoughts are not my thoughts. As high as the heavens are above the earth is how much higher God’s thoughts are than mine.

 

I am living a pretty cool story – but I have the confident faith that I only see a small portion of the story I am living. The story I do not see, the story I do not know about, would blow me away. Not because I am awesome, but because God takes my two fish and five loaves and multiplies it by the thousands. I am living the abundant life right now. If I die today, and I am never on the world stage, never make Oprah, and never get named Time’s person on the year, I have already lived an abundant life – because I have chosen childlike, humble obedience. It’s not the lack of, or the presence of a big platform. It’s the ongoing surrender of my life to God. On the world stage or in the obscurity of my family room. It’s the inside of the cup, not the outside, that makes it clean.

 

I am right where God wants me to be, living the abundant life of his Masterpiece – because I am surrendered to him in my daily thoughts, dreams, speech and actions. Not perfect, just surrendered. My struggles, depression, laughter and silliness are the evidence of my abundant life. I want the abundant masterpiece for the rest of my life, I want to spend my life helping those I influence realize the abundant masterpiece for their lives as well.

Chief Memory Officer – Be intentional about making memories

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Last Sunday night, my 8th grader, Michael, comes to me and asks, “Hey Dad, Bobby (his 23 yr old brother) wants to take me out at midnight tonight to buy the new Call of Duty game so we can play it together. Can I go?” The rest of this post discusses how we make these kinds of decisions as a family, and why we make them. Why a seemingly preposterous question like that would even be asked and entertained in the first place.

 

I just recently heard one of the best descriptions for one of the roles successful parents play well – the role of CMO or Chief Memory Officer.  cod

 

Due to some undeserved genetic wiring formed in the womb, this role has always come super easy to me. The wild and crazy in me often manifests itself by creating some pretty unique and special memories.

 

Back when my two oldest kids had fun hanging out with just dad, and didn’t need any friends along, we used to do dollar bowling together. The only problem is, dollar bowling was during a school night, from like 10PM to midnight. So, I made a deal with my kids. If you get your homework done right after school, and take a 2-3 hour nap, and your grades and performance in school don’t suffer, we can do the midnight bowling every week. That ended up being a pretty great memory – and also made other people think we were crazy.

 

I remember driving my oldest daughter and her friends to school, and telling them that if they could name 10 current Bears players before we got to the school, I would try to convince their parents to give them a special day off. Sure enough, they were able to get ten players named, and I had to make some pretty awkward phone calls to parents I didn’t know. Fortunately, they all agreed and we had another awesome memory in the making.

 

The list goes on. Some of the memories are crazier and grander than others, but all of them have been so very important in creating a healthy perspective of life, family, work and play. Balance in life is so important. I have been a leader of students in many different capacities for the last decade and more. So many students have a myopic and unbalanced view of “success.”

 

Everyone deserves a break. Grades and school are important, but so often they become “gods” that are worshipped above all else – especially in the lives of conservative Christian parents. School., school, school. Grades, grades, grades, College, etc.

 

Of course, we take school very seriously. We expect maximum effort as a family. If you are capable of an A and you get a B, you are going to be in more trouble than if a C is the best you can do with maximum effort and you get a C. That’s just how it’s always been in our house. We value school and education. I have a Master’s degree and was a National Merit Scholar top 1/4% finisher, etc. I love education and knocked it out of the park. But we have to make sure we do not worship it. Creating memories is sometimes more important than the routine of school.

 

When Michael asked me about the Call of Duty release night idea, I asked a few important questions. How are your grades? All A’s and B’s. How many classes would you miss in the morning? OK, do you have any tests in those classes? Any projects due? No. OK. How late will you stay up? 2AM. OK Wake up  at 10:00 leave for school at 10:30. We knew what classes he would miss, which ones he would make, and how/what he is doing in all of them.

 

Michael’s older brother Bobby is getting married next March, and will be moving out. What a great opportunity to make a special memory with his older brother before he is no longer around on a daily basis. This opportunity was too good for us to pass up. Michael is doing well in school, has a history of good grades, has a history of good leadership in school, athletics and church. Why not reward that behavior?

 

Rewarding good behavior in immediate, tangible, memorable ways is one great way to reinforce good behavior. Not all kids are academically gifted enough to be able to spontaneously miss days of school on a regular basis. Some of our kids were not. If the grades aren’t there, if the history isn’t there to recover from missed days of school, then we, as parents, worked out different ways to make memories – and/or we worked closely with the teachers to make sure the missed special day did not create a chain-reaction of pain later on.

 

I have done a couple all night movie marathons with Jon Woz. We have done a bunch of midnight movie showings as a family on school days. We’ve done short little day trips, etc. We’ve created some very unique memories in a responsible way – working with the grain – as it were – of each of our individual children.

 

The Call of Duty release night party was a smashing success. Both Bobby and Michael will remember it for the rest of their lives. Michael is caught up in school – no lingering effects of the day off. Bobby did fine at work the next day, and the routine of life continues. School, grades, academics, are very important and they always will be; but, people are more important than school, family is more important than grades.

 

Your kids will move out and leave the house one day. It will happen. Give them a great education and a foundation on which to build a successful life. Make sure that foundation has a little crazy fun built into as well. Make some memories. One of the most important roles you will play as a parent is Chief Memory Officer. Do it well!

 

You are No Ordinary Child

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“I am convinced that there has never been an ordinary child born on this planet, ever!!! But, most of us die painfully, tragically ordinary. Somewhere between when we are born and when we die, our extraordinary nature is beat out of us, lost to us.”

 – Erwin McManus

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While that quote might sound negative to you, the first part of it is really great news. Imagine for a moment that the first part is true; that every single person on this planet is born as an extraordinary child. Isn’t that an awesome, uplifting thought? The older I get and the more I experience of life and people, the more convinced I become that the first part of that quote is true.

However, the second part of that quote reminds us of the reality that if we are not good stewards of the extraordinary, we risk losing it, or at least masking it, or minimizes the expression of it.

What motivates me is that the flipside of this is also true. If we are good stewards, if we dedicate ourselves to unleashing the extraordinary masterpiece that was already present inside of us and others at birth, we can live extraordinary lives. We can change the future – change the world. Our lives and the lives of those around us can become stories worth telling.

 

But what does it take? What makes the difference between having our extraordinary nature beat out of us or having it unleashed to the fullest? I believe that it all boils down to how we value ourselves. Do we value ourselves for being or for doing? Do we measure our own worth by who we are, or for what we do, what we accomplish?

Please don’t confuse the message here. There is nothing wrong with doing. In fact, doing is the tangible expression of being. But if the doing does not flow out of a proper sense of being, we can lose our being all together – we can lose our extraordinary nature.

We must learn to value ourselves for who we are, and express who we are in the things we do. We must measure our worth, and just as importantly, measure the worth of others, by who they ARE, not what they do. When we value ourselves for who we are, we can begin to unleash the extraordinary masterpiece that has been born inside of us.

When we value others, and measure their worth for who they are, we begin to unleash the extraordinary masterpiece inherent inside of them – and slowly but surely, person by person, interaction by interaction, we can make our world a better place. We can create a better future for everyone within the sphere of our influence.

 

How can we practically value ourselves for being? Well, I have a simple acrostic that helps me – B.E.I.N.G.

  • The “B” stands for “Believe the best.” Believe the best about yourselves and about others. See the best in yourself and in others. Expect the best. Envision the best. I need to come alongside someone as they dream, and work with them to make their dreams a reality. Believing the best does not mean excusing bad behavior, or eliminating healthy boundaries – quite the opposite. It is expecting the best in others and not settling for less.

 

  • “E” reminds me to “Encourage myself and others.” The word encourage literally means “to breathe courage into.” What a cool concept. To breathe courage into yourself and others – the courage it takes to be the best you that you can be. When I and those around me fall short, we encourage each other to do better. Encourage also means “to develop.” I need to continually invest in myself and others to fully develop our individual masterpieces.

 

  • “It is in you!” is the “I”. You may remember the popular Gatorade commercial would ask the question, “Is it in you?” Of course, they mean, is Gatorade in you? Gatorade is what propels you and enables you to be the best athlete you can be, and you need to pour it in from the outside – and keep adding it as your internal supply runs low. My extraordinary nature is already in me and can never be consumed – it can never run low or run out. It can be hidden, but it can never be taken out of you. I don’t have to do anything to be extraordinary. It is what I AM. It is what you ARE. We should carry ourselves as such. We should act extraordinary – expect the extraordinary.

 

  • “N” is for “Never give up!” We are going to make mistakes. The people closest to us will let us down from time to time. Extraordinary does not mean I never blow it, it means that I have extraordinary persistence and tenacity. I will not let mistakes get in the way of my masterpiece. Failure is one of the best methods of learning we have available to us. We need to leverage mistakes and failures as a launch pad for an extraordinary impact. I am reminded of a famous quote from Winston Churchill,

“Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense”

 

  • “Go intentionally!”. Finally, the “G” reminds us that BEING is an intentional act. I desire to go into every situation with the intention of seeing and enabling the extraordinary in everyone I touch. I want to intentionally change the environment around me – I want to create an aura of the extraordinary. My intentions should be to unleash the extraordinary masterpiece in everyone I meet. We should desire to move the masterpiece needle at least one notch closer to fully unleashed for every person we interact with. How awesome would it be to be intentional about every conversation in every situation we find ourselves in?

 

I am already extraordinary. You are already extraordinary. It is already in us. We just need to realize it, develop it, express it – in ourselves and in others. Value yourself and others for you you are. Start with BEING. Express who you are by DOING.

Let’s start a revolution of extraordinary!! It starts with me (and you), moves out from there though those closest to us and then grows exponentially through everyone we have influence over!