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Blackhawks “One Goal”

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How to Change the World

Analyzing the Chicago Blackhawks One Goal Ad Campaign

 

It was very painful for me to watch the Blackhawks get eliminated in round one of the 2016 playoffs last week. They made it a close series in the end, but, the defending Stanley Cup champions came up short – in the first round. How could this happen?
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If you live in Chicago, you have likely seen one or more commercials from the Blackhawks “One Goal” advertising campaign. It’s been one of the most successful advertising campaigns in the history of hockey. The campaign talks about the primary professional goal of the Blackhawks organization and of the players is to win the Stanley Cup – the world championship trophy for hockey.

 

But, of course, that is not really the primary professional goal of the organization and players.

 

Please hang with me here – do not assume the point of this post is to bash sports, or money or any of that. If we can never discuss these things openly, we will never be able to get better. Don’t just tune out here – please consider the following perspective.

 

When the Blackhawks first won the Stanley Cup in 2010, I’ll admit I didn’t know a great deal about professional hockey. I watched games here and there and casually followed the team in the past. When the Hawks had the opportunity to win the cup, I jumped on the bandwagon like many other people. Not as a first-time hockey fan – I actually played rat hockey in my young adult years – but as a big time professional hockey fan.

 

The day after the Hawks took home their first Cup in 2010, I woke up early to get the localnewspapers. I did that for the Bulls every time they won a championship too – as a keepsake for my two sons who really love sports.

 

I remember thinking – man, we have the talent for a real dynasty-in-the-making here. Like the old SNL Superfans skit when the Bulls won their first championship – “We’re talking a minimum 8-peat.”

 

I read one of the articles after I bought the papers that morning, and one of the sportswriters said something to the effect of, “The Blackhawks will spend a few days celebrating, then, as we all know, they will gut the team and get ready for next season.”

 

G-g-g-g-g-ut the team? I didn’t know that. Why on earth would anyone want to do that? Let’s keep these guys together and go for the 8-peat! Well, it’s not that simple – you see – there are economic factors at play.

 

Let’s consider the two primary economic factors:

  • Other teams are willing to pay Cup-winning Blackhawks players much more money than they currently are making on the Blackhawks
  • All professional hockey teams has what is called a “Salary cap”. There is a limit to how much any team can spend on player salaries.

 

So, when a team, like the Blackhawks wins a world championship, the “value” of most of the players on the team immediately goes up. Since the team was already close to the salary cap at the beginning of the season, that leaves two options:

 

a) The players must refuse offers of more money from other teams and remain on the Blackhawks with the same salary so the team remains under the salary cap, or

b) Many of the players demand an increase in pay from the Blackhawks to match the offers from the other teams. The Blackhawks organization then decides who they consider too important to trade and raise their salaries. The Blackhawks organization then has to trade away enough other players to other teams and hire less expensive players to replace them – so the whole team is under the salary cap again. Those replacement players typically cost less because they have less playoff experience, so, the new team after the trades is usually less likely to win again next season – unless the organization gets lucky and hires “diamonds in the rough.”

As the sportswriter who wrote the article pointed out, most of the time, we end up with option (b). That means, the Blackhawks are less likely to repeat as champions the following year – ultimately as a result of the players demanding more money.

 

So the truth is, while winning another championship is A priority, the HIGHEST priority is usually how much money the individual players make.

 

The players could choose option (a), keep the team together, have a much better chance and winning the championship again the following year – and not have to move their spouses and kids to a new location if traded. They could develop some deep roots for their families and friends by staying in the same area for many years.

 

Even if you equally split the salary cap across the board, each player would be considered very wealthy – not including product endorsements and other bonuses associated with winning the championship and becoming a dynasty.

 

So, why doesn’t it happen more often, if ever? Maybe Dwayne Wade did it for a couple years in basketball, but you never see entire teams do it – ever. Why is that? Why always choose option (b)?

 

I think it is important to ponder that for a while. I do not think it’s an issue that only pro sports players have. I do the same thing – and it would probably only get worse the more money I had on the table. If you see this issue as us against them, you are completely reading this wrong. It’s us against us. This isn’t just professional sports players, it’s almost everyone – including you and me.

 

I believe it is very rare for anyone to volunteer to make less money than they could in their current positions. Some people wouldn’t change positions to make more money because they value their current jobs for some reason or another. But inside of a particular job, I know very few people who would voluntarily make less in their current job to accomplish some other positive outcomes in that same job.

 

You would likely be considered foolish if you did, and anyone asking you to do so would be considered selfish. Fear is a big driver. What if you get hurt and can’t play? What if yo play for 5 years and can’t find a good job after pro sports? Fear is one of the major motivations in many of the decisions we all make. 

 

Our culture values “more” – not necessarily more things – although things are important. But we value more time, more opportunities for leisure and “giving back,” etc. More money now gives us more time and freedom later. We can even spiritualize it. Let’s make enough money now so we can retire early and then “give back” of our time, money, resources or all three. It’s not that we really want more for us only, more for us will hopefully mean more for others too, somewhere down the road. At least that’s the plan. And, I believe many people honestly do this.

 

We can invite more poor people to live with us if we have a bigger house. We can take our kids friends to our vacation houses and invest in them. I mean – you know – it’s not really just for me, is it?

 

You can’t blame anyone for doing what has been programmed into them by the culture. Our culture values “more” – and it seems to value more of “more” every year. How do we turn that around? How do we change our ways as a society to place the highest value “enough”?


Those are important questions to ponder for me, you, our families, friends, our kids, spouses, etc.

 

Again, the sports analogy is simply an easier story to tell – like a parable – but it is really the story of us. We need to figure this out.

 

Anyway, back to our hockey parable. Let’s say the “One Goal” was really winning championships – getting to that elusive SNL “8-peat.” What might that look like?

 

The 2016 NHL salary cap is $71.4 million a year. The most players a team could carry is 23. For worst case, let’s assume the Hawks carried 23 players. That means, if each player made the exact same salary, that would mean that each would make about $3.1 million a year if they each made the same salary. Not too bad.

 

If the players really valued winning championships – they could have taken the championship team, and all signed 8 year contracts for $3.1 million a year, and guaranteed the same team dynamic for 8 years – and maybe accomplish the coveted  “8-peat.”

 

In addition, they wouldn’t have to risk being traded. That means, they would not have to move their families, their kids could attend the same schools, and they could have some stability with friends and neighborhoods. It would be a double win.

 

If it sounds too socialistic to just split it up between the best and the worst players,  they could each sign contracts for half the $3.1 million, call it $1.55 million each, and then have the rest ($35 million) in a pool for performance bonuses based on various factors. That way the top performers could make much more than the bottom performers.  All in all, everyone would be rich – that doesn’t even count endorsement deals of products, etc.

 

However, that is not how it pans out in reality. The superstars of the Blackhawks, Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews each make $10.5 million a year, so the two of them combined eat up $21 million of the annual salary cap of $71.4 million. The second-tier superstars, Seabrook, Crawford and Keith eat up another $19 million between the three of them. This is a total of $40 million, or more than half the salary cap for 5 players. That means that the remaining 18 players need to split up what’s left of the salary cap – about $31 million.

 

So, you have to find players willing to play for a lot less than the superstars can make. Sometimes the general manager gets lucky and finds diamonds in the rough – but most of the time, you end up with mediocre players, and you don’t win the championship again the following year.

 

Oh well, so much for the “One Goal.”

We want to believe winning is the Blackhawks true “One Goal.” It makes life easier and more enjoyable. Just like we want to believe that the rich-poor divide isn’t our problem. We’ve earned our money – in fact, we probably should be making more doing whatever it is we do. It’s those richer than us that should cut-back and say enough is enough.

 

Maybe it makes life easier to believe the not-so-truthful ad slogans about our favorite professional sports teams. And maybe it makes sleeping at night a little easier for all of us to believe that we aren’t part of the problem – or part of the solution – ourselves.

 

I am reading a book called, “Throwing Rocks and the Google Bus”, by Douglas Rushkoff. It discusses how to address the issue of the income divide between the rich and the poor. It is a fascinating read so far – I am not even all the way through it yet. It talks about issues like the original purpose of corporations, how much is “enough” and other things.

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When I accept the principle that I am part of the problem, I am also, simultaneously empowered to be part of the solution.

 

I would love to collaborate with others and dream up new solutions to the new problems we face in the new world of technology and globalization. Spending too much time looking backwards isn’t going to get it done – me thinks. Blaming other people won’t get it done either.

 

We need new, creative, attractive, agile solutions that maximize the dignity and value of every individual. I’d love to explore those things with you. Please consider this the first of many posts exploring these issues 🙂

 

Will My Relationship Last? Should I Stay or Should I Go?

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Will my relationship last? Should I keep dating him/her? Should I ask her to marry me? Should I say yes? Will we live happily ever after? Those are common questions. I had the privilege of raising seven kids and being able to share with many of my kids’ friends over the years. Those are common questions among young people, and even among us older folk – the difference is,  younger people are typically more willing to ask the questions and listen.

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Those are complicated questions surrounded by complicated, real-life issues. I don’t think there are easy answers. After almost 50 years of life, and 29 years of relationship with the same beautiful woman, I have found the secrets to relational success to be quite simple – simple as in exercising and eating-right simple. Simple in concept, difficult to master in real-life.

 

I have experienced a total of three – relatively simple – relationship principles. The first two I was aware of early on. The last one took 20+ years of marriage and raising kids to become aware of. I will briefly cover the first two and focus on the third.

 

The first one is – of course – commitment. I grew up in a home with a lousy marriage. By the time I was 8 years old I committed to having a good marriage and treating my wife with love and respect. It was important to me. I saw, first-hand, the results of a lack of commitment and I did not want to go there.

 

The second one is keeping the romance strong. Thinking, speaking and acting in a way that values and honors your spouse – that shows him/her that they are the most important person in your life, and that you are attracted to them – blessed to be with them.- to really own that deep down in the core of your being, and keep perfecting the art of expressing it daily. If you believe you are blessed to be with someone and you are constantly keeping all of the wonderful, amazing things about them in your mind and heart – that is who they will be to you.


The third one is way harder to see and much more difficult to live out. It’s really an offensive thing at face-value and can be upsetting to hear. Some may bristle and come up with immediate examples of why you think it’s not true. It may guilt and shame some of you – it did me for years – and still does to some extent.


The third relationship secret is this – You will only be able to love someone else to the extent, and in the manner that you love yourself. If you love yourself well, you will be able to love others well. If you love yourself poorly, you will love others poorly. The same goes for your spouse, or romantic partner. The ways that your spouse or partner is lacking in loving themselves will be the same way in which they will fail to love you. You may not like it – but it’s a fact.

The way in which you love yourself will always be revealed in your relationships with others – especially the most significant, romantic relationships in your life. Period.


So what does that mean? First, we are all works in progress when it comes to this. We will not arrive at some perfected state in this life – ever. If you desire to make progress in loving yourself well, the good news is, you will always make progress in loving your spouse or significant other well. That really is great news. We all really need to take some time to reflect on that.

 

Second, how do we love ourselves well? Primarily, we need to love and accept ourselves for who we really are: This includes

 

  • what makes us awesome and what makes us jerks
  • what we excel and and what we are just not good at doing
  • our big successes and big failures
  • our strengths and our weaknesses
  • our little successes and little failures
  • our temptations, lusts, desires and tendencies for good and for bad
  • our good thoughts and our wicked thoughts
  • our selfishness and our generosity, etc.

 

In order to love ourselves well, we need to KNOW ourselves well, and continue to get to know ourselves progressively – growing in our knowledge of who we are every day – for all of our lives.

 

The extent of our self-awareness will be the limiting factor in our ability to love ourselves well – which in turn, will be the limiting factor in how well we can love other people. Let me say that again. The extent of our self-awareness will be the limiting factor in our ability to love ourselves well – which in turn, will be the limiting factor in how well we can love other people.

 

Here is the next rub. You and I CANNOT be self-aware by ourselves. We need to enlist other, reliable, trusted, wise friends to reflect back the best AND the worst of us on a regular basis. Let me say that again 🙂 You and I CANNOT be self-aware by ourselves. We need to enlist other, reliable, trusted, wise friends to reflect back the best AND the worst of us on a regular basis.

 

You and I have many blind-spots right now, and will develop new blind-spots on a regular basis. We need a blind-spot mirrors – or trusted advisors – to enable us to identify the blind-spots, to deal with them effectively, and to know when they have been dealt with.


So, will your relationship last? Does your significant other readily accept feedback from multiple, trusted relationships, process that feedback, act on that feedback, and solicit more feedback on how he/she is doing? How about you? If the answer for one or both of you is no – you’re both in danger relationally – in danger of your relationship being much less than it could be – less than it should be.

 

Of course, once you begin to know the negative sides of yourself, you need to learn to love and accept yourself in spite of these flaws. Loving yourself well in spite of flaws does not mean you ignore them or don’t work on them – quite the opposite actually. If you love yourself well, you will invest heavily in dealing with your flaws appropriately. But, you will make that investment from a position of being worthy and valuable the way you are right now – despite those flaws.


So, will your relationship last? Do you fully accept yourself despite your flaws? Does your significant other? If the answer is no, your relationship is in danger – in danger of being much less than it could be – than it should be.

 

Additionally, your worth and value must come from the right places. Are your worth and value coming from a healthy place?  Is it coming from areas that can be temporary in nature? You physical appearance? Your job? Your finances? Your skills and talents? Are you really more in love with yourself than with anyone else?

 

Or does your worth and value come from areas that are more stable long-term – deep inside of you? From your character, your personality, your compassion, your caring your kindness, your generosity?

 

So, will your relationship last? Where does your significant other’s source of worth and value come from? Is it from superficial things that might not last? Is it from things that are deep, meaningful and lasting?  What about for you? If your or your significant other’s self-worth is lacking, or based on superficial sources, your relationship is in danger – in danger of being much less than it could be – than it should be.


Now that we have covered self-awareness, accepting yourself, and self-worth, it’s time for the last component – investing in yourself. Once you are aware of your flaws, you need to invest in improving in those areas.

 

These investments must be ongoing. There should never be a time in your life where someone asks you what flaws you are working on and you don’t have an answer.

 

These investments must be effective and efficient. You should have a solid plan of action, worked out with trusted advisors, to address the flaws you are currently focusing on.

 

These investments must create harmony in the various areas of your life. You cannot invest in one area of life at the expense of others. You need to make sure you maintain the harmony and balance in all areas of your life so that fixing yourself in one area doesn’t cause problems in another area.

 

The results of these investments should be measured by other, trusted advisors to ensure that you are really making the progress you need to make. If what you are doing is not being effective, you need to know so you can regroup, develop a better plan, and start executing the improved plan.

 

So, will your relationship last? Does your significant other consistently and progressively invest in developing their flaws and weaknesses? Do they do so in a harmonious way that does not damage other areas of their lives? Do they solicit feedback on their progress? Do you? If not, your relationship is in danger – in danger of being much less than it could be – than it should be.

 

Here is a summary of number three. You and your significant other need:

 

  • to be continually and progressively self-aware – through ongoing, trusted relationships with other people

 

  • to accept yourself for who you are right now – despite your flaws

 

  • to derive your value and self-worth from sources that are deep and meaningful

 

  • to be continually and progressively investing in yourself to work on your flaws in your thoughts, words and actions.

 

In other words, you both need to be actively, continually, and progressively loving yourself well. If you do that, and add to that commitment and intentionally keeping the romance strong in thoughts, words and actions – you will have a relationship that not only lasts – but is mutually enjoyable, meaningful, satisfying, exciting and changes the world around you!

 

The Best Parenting Decision We Ever Made

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parentingBigI’d like to share the best parenting decision my wife and I ever made. We have been married 25 years and have seven kids, four of our own, and three we adopted. Six of them are in college or recent college grads. Two are married – one grandkid on the way (yes!) We have been host to dozens of their friends over the years and have been involved in leading jr high, high school and college kids for some 14 years now. So, we have a lot of experience dealing with kids.

 

We have enough experience with kids growing into adulthood to see the full circle impact of some of the decisions we have made as parents (and not made), and that other parents have made – and not made. We are happy with many of our parenting decisions, and would do some things a little differently if we had it to do over again.

 

But one decision in particular stands out as being especially important. We made that decision, not because we knew it would end up being the best one we made, but because we felt it was the right thing to do. It was a difficult decision to make, and keeping that decision took a great deal of work and effort over almost two decades – and it continues to this day.

 

Some 20 years ago now, I started a men’s small group. I didn’t know any of the guys who signed up, and when they showed up for the first group, I noticed they were all about 10-15 years older than I was – and they all had kids that were 10 or more years older than mine. At first, I was a little bummed out about the age difference. It felt a little awkward and I didn’t feel like I had much in common with them.

 

Over the course of a couple years, my attitude changed. I became pretty close friends with those guys, and really respected their experience and wisdom. Towards the end of our time together, I asked them what their most important advice would be for parenting kids would be. They unanimously agreed on the following (paraphrase) –

 

“Your kids are little now. When they get into middle school, your influence on them will begin to lessen, as will their desire to listen to what you say. That trend will continue into high school, and by the time they get into college, you will have much less influence on them than so many other people. Over the course of 6-8 years, you will move from being the primary influence in their lives, to one of many, to one of the smaller influences in their lives – in terms of how the behave, what they feel is important and not important, the choices they make, etc.”

 

They went on to say, “Because this will happen, your best move is to make sure that your kids form friendships with some other adults besides you that can began building into their lives. These adults should be people who have the same beliefs and priorities you do, and who care about what you care about – and care about your kids. As your kids get older, the fact is, they will be much more likely to turn to other adults when they have issues, minor and serious, than to come to you. You may not like that, and may not believe it now, but it will happen. If you do not participate in the choosing of these adult influences, they will form anyway, through luck of the draw.”

 

That was some hard to hear stuff for me at that time. My kids were toddlers and preschoolers then. My wife and I were the absolute centers of their lives. My daughters wanted to marry me when they grew up. They would dance and sing when I came home from work. We didn’t really believe that there would ever come a time that we would no longer be the primary influences in their lives.

 

But, because I had so much trust and respect for these guys, we went ahead and followed their advice. We looked for opportunities to connect our kids with other adults whose beliefs were similar to ours, who really wanted to make a difference in our kids lives.

 

The first and easiest choice was the kid’s church and small groups at our church. We knew most of the parent helpers and knew they were good people – and they had a solid foundation for mentoring the kids. As our kids got older, this transitioned to the student ministries (STUCO for us). STUCO has weekly evening services for students, and then small groups which are led by a couple adults. Additionally, the various leaders and STUCO staff invest in the kids as well.

 

It wasn’t always easy getting our kids to go. We had to “force” them to go on many, many occasions. We had to force them to go to the first few group events like the camps and the retreats. We had to make sure they got their homework done early – or we had to help them do it late, after STUCO.

 

We even made the decision to coach many of our kids sports teams so that we had control of the schedules and could make sure STUCO night was free. We made some tough calls missing some practices, games, events, etc., outside of church. We weren’t completely inflexible, but, our kids knew that STUCO was the priority.

 

We made sure that our kids were getting music lessons from adults in the church. Most of our kids contributed musically for years, some still do. We took advantage of plays, acting, and dance when it was offered by leaders in our church, or people we trusted. Our kids were on stage quite a bit when they were younger, and I remember people asking us if we were proud to see our kids on stage. That part of it was OK – but our primary motivation was steering our kids towards friendships with other quality adults. The stage really was not even a consideration.

 

The truth is, every single one of our kids has been tremendously influenced by the adult relationships that have formed over the years – through the hard, intentional, ongoing efforts of me and my wife, and the blessing of God on our desires and efforts. The adult musicians, actors, small group leader, student ministry staff, and other adult leaders have contributed to deep character formation within our kids. That doesn’t mean they didn’t or won’t make mistakes, but they have a foundation, and role models that expand well beyond their parents – and our shortcomings.

 

There is a cost. It was difficult. It cost money. It cost time. There were tears of not wanting to practice, not wanting to sing, not wanting to go to church, fighting with other kids at the church, not liking the leaders, etc., etc. It was a long row to hoe at many points in the last 20 years – but it was by far the most important thing we have done for our kids – outside of loving them and doing the best we could to raise them as parents.

 

I forgot about another thing those guys from my small group said so many years ago. It was this, “Since you are going to be relying on other adults to step up and build into your kids, you should be willing to do the same. Step up, get involved in the lives of other kids, and be good influences on them and good friends to them.”

 

I am happy to say my wife and I have taken that advice as well. We have been intentionally investing in other kids for the last 20 years and hope to continue to do so for many more years to come. It has not always been easy – life is messy and there are always difficulties that come with the joy that comes from making a difference in people’s lives. In hindsight, we can honestly say we would do it all over again. In fact, taking that advice is what put us in a position to adopt the three kids that are now even a bigger part of our family than they were before we adopted them.

 

So that’s it. I would encourage you to count the cost of helping your kids develop some other adult friendships with people you trust and respect – and, I would encourage you to count the cost of not doing it. You will lose influence with your kids – whether you are even aware of it or not. Make sure they have other wise, adult counsel they can turn to when they get older. And, do the same for someone else’s kids!

 

Post BLAST Reflections – Super Concentrated Life Experiences

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After roughly 14 BLAST events and 20 Philippines Frontline Outreach Trip events, I have seen some similarities and patterns between the two that are worth noting. BLAST is an annual youth conference held over the MLK holiday weekend in January at an indoor waterpark hotel in the Wisconsin Dells – this year we had over 1,100 in attendance. Basically two leaders host 10-12 kids in a room for 4 days and 3 nights!

Both events are what I would call “super concentrated life experiences.” You are experiencing aspects of life with growth, development and challenges that would normally be experienced over a course of several months – that are now compressed into a few days.

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You are sleeping with relative strangers, many of them, in a confined space. You are not sleeping, eating or bathrooming in a normal fashion – as such you are tired and physically worn down.

 

You are having concentrated spiritual and emotionally charged experiences that leave you inspired but also mentally worn down. Just like you get muscles soreness when you physically workout with intensity, you experience a similar effect in the spiritual/emotional realms when you go through intense experience in those areas.

 

You are also part of a complex equation of “staff”, “lay leaders” and “those being served”

 

If I were to write a combined “lay leader” BLAST and Outreach  Trip Event “what to expect” guide I would say the following:

 

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“You will be completely worn-down physically, emotionally and spiritually shortly after you arrive and that will intensify throughout the event and on the way home.

 

As such, you should expect, and try to handle with grace, these types of experiences, some or all of which are very likely to occur during your event:

 

  • “those being served” will also be tired, physically worn down, and emotionally and spiritually fatigued. They will sometimes be unreasonable, be disrespectful, be disruptive, not pay attention, cry, yell, check-out emotionally, fight, argue, say mean things to each other, say mean things to “lay leaders” and say mean things to “staff”. In other words, you will experience drama!
  • Other “lay-leaders” may annoy you with things they say, the way they say things, what they don’t say, things they do and don’t do. You and other lay-leaders may annoy the “staff” with things you say, how you say things, and what you don’t say, things you do and don’t do.

 

  • As a “lay-leader” you will go through ups and downs. You may have incredible moments of connection with “those being served” alongside times where you may doubt you are making any difference at all, and that maybe you were never cut out to do this kind of work. At some points you may believe that “those being served” deserve better than you, and at other times you may believe that you are experiencing one of your holy ordained purposes in life.

 

  • As a “lay leader” you are very likely to unintentionally to say things that come across as insensitive and maybe critical of the “staff”. You are likely to unintentionally, do and say things that seem to cheapen what is going on, and that seemingly reduces the monumental effort the “staff” put in prior to, during, and after the event. You will not be able to fully understand the context and perspective of the “staff” even if you really want to and try hard to do it.

Hang in there. Don’t get too caught up in potentially negative moments. Fight through to the end.

After you get home and get caught up on sleep, good food and good bathroom time, you will have a much clearer mind with which to reflect on the past event and plan future opportunities for influence around it!

 

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After all, compressed life experiences are like – well – real life 🙂
Real life is filled with ups, downs, and everything in between. Proper perspective, grace and rest go along way to make real life satisfying – and those things work well for “concentrated life experiences” as well!

Easy to Forget – Lessons from Community Giftmart Outreach

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My family just finished serving at an outreach event for the under-resourced in our local community called “Gift Mart.” It’s a great program that has well-resourced people buying new toys for kids, which are then sold at the local schools for a couple dollars each. This provides dignity for the people purchasing the gifts – as they get to select them and pay for them – and also provides more than $10,000 to local, under-resourced school districts. It’s a well thought out holiday outreach program and has been running for 13 years now.

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The volunteer effort is pretty substantial. 700+ volunteers over several schools in the area. My family has always helped in the play rooms that are set up to help keep the young kids occupied so their parents can shop for gifts without their kids seeing them. Once the gifts are purchased, there are volunteers who wrap the gifts so they are hidden from the kids and all set to go under the tree.

 

My wife did the gift wrap this year with a bunch of her friends, and the rest of us worked with the kids again. We had an earlier shift with the kids so we finished up about halfway through the event. I went to touch base with my wife Vicky at the gift wrapping station. There were about a dozen stations, each with 6 or more people in line to get their gifts wrapped.

 

I greeted everyone waiting to get their gifts wrapped as a walked through the crowd to the back of the room to say hi to Vicky and her friends. As we were about to leave, I addressed the whole group of gift-wrappers, as they were all friends of Vicky’s, “If you all decide to go get something to eat after your shift is over, text me and I’ll meet up with you.”

 

Immediately after I said that, it hit me as I was walking out of the room, back through the crowd of people waiting for their gifts to be wrapped – If we go out to eat afterwards, it is very likely that we will EACH spend MORE on that one meal out, than these parents have spent in total for Christmas gifts for their kids (most had several kids).

 

Each family is limited to purchase seven gifts, at $2 each for a grand total of $14 per family. As I just said what I said, and reflected on it as I looked everyone in the eyes on my way out, I felt kind of ashamed. Like, if they understood what I was saying – most of them were Spanish speaking – then they could easily figure out how much disposable income we must have compared to them. I felt like I was kind of throwing it in their faces – albeit unintentionally.

 

Then, on the walk to the car and the subsequent drive home, I thought about it a little more. It’s really NOT FAIR that, I have the capacity to spend more money on an average lunch out, than most of these folks have available in total for Christmas gifts for their kids.

 

As I thought about it more, the real issue, isn’t that I am in a position to have more disposable income – the real issue is that these other folks are NOT in that position. And for most of them, the odds of any of them moving from their position to my position is relatively small – regardless of how hard they work.

 

I have always been in a position to be able to fully leverage the “system” of financial success in this country. In fact, that system has been designed by guys like me, and as an unintentional side-effect for the most part, it works best for guys like me – white, English-speaking “guys” born into strong, American family units with strong extended families – having grown up and gone to school in highly-resourced areas.

 

It’s easy to forget the root issue here – one of the main reasons the “Gift Mart” even exists – is that many people have not been able to fully leverage the system of success in this country. As such, they do not have access to the same resources that people like me do – and they need subsidized toys, or else they will have nothing to give to their kids. And the schools they attend need external help because their tax-base does not generate sufficient resources.


I’d like to make a few points here.


One, the world will always need some level of “relief” type support in terms of subsidies and sometimes even direct handouts. With the number of people in this country, and the myriad of issues that can affect people without a safety net of strong family support, we will always need relief, or aid-based assistance programs. So, “Gift Mart” provides a great and much needed service to the community and always will. Helping out, donating toys, volunteering, etc., at “Gift Mart” and similar services is a significant outreach and should not be cheapened because of the larger, more systemic issues at work.


Two, spending money is, for the most part, a good thing. If economic experts can agree on one thing, it is that what is called the “velocity of money,” or how often money changes hands, is directly related to financial health of economies. We want people with disposable income to spend it eating out, shopping, and on products and services. That spending provides jobs so people have more disposable incomes. Spending money going out to eat is not the primary cause of the income disparities in the country. It is actually a big part of the solution.

 

Three, I believe that many of the primary causes of the financial disparities in this country are systemic in nature. They are “system issues.” The systems are not designed to provide maximum opportunity for folks who do not match the “norm” for many existing Americans.

 

Inflation adjusted wages have not grown at least 30 years – at all. Prices for homes, rent, cars, food, even college and higher education have gone higher at a much more rapid pace the last 30 years. Without a strong foundation, it is very difficult to leverage the existing systems to GET BETTER – to improve your financial circumstances and generate disposable income.


Changing systems is difficult, complicated, and a process of long-suffering. Most everyday folk cannot get their head around how they can contribute to changing the system – and the truth is, most will never be able to invest a great deal of time in advocating for better systems.

 

What most folk can do, is help provide that solid foundation that the current system is predicated upon. Most people with some level of financial success have networks of coaching, mentoring, and short-term assistance in extended family and friends that can provide long-term wise-counsel and advice and short-term support when needed. Each of us is capable to inviting others who are less fortunate than us into our circles and networks.

 

Extending friendship to those less resourced than ourselves is the NUMBER ONE way we can contribute to ending this disparity. Friendship leads to coaching, mentoring, access to networks and short-term support that are all desperately needed for the under-resourced to begin to leverage the existing systems of financial success in this country.

 

I am not very likely to change “the system” in short order, neither are you – but I can be intentional about reaching across socio-economic lines and offering what I do have – friendship. These friendships, if genuine, will always lead to the development of a stronger foundation of support, coaching and mentoring that will do the real, and often times not very sexy work of changing lives and when extended across many people, changing communities and the world.

It’s easy to forget that many of our fellow citizens are trapped in a cycle that is difficult to get out of. Some have become dependent on the current system and do not want to leave it, but most want out. Most want a better life, the dignity of providing for themselves and their families.

As “average” folk, the best, most immediate, and longest-lasting way we can make a difference is by intentionally forming friendships across those socio-economic lines. It’s not as easy as it sounds, and it will for sure be very messy at times – but it is very effective, and well-worth the investment!

 

 

Dealing with Disappointment and Depression

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As a backdrop to this discussion, let me share a little personal stuff about me.

I met my wife-to-be when I was 19 and she was 17. We have known each other for 29 years and have been crazy happily married for 25 years. I think we grow more in love every year. If Brad and Angelina and they knew us well they would probably be like, “Man, we wish we had a relationship like these guys!”

We each always wanted to kids and we have been blessed with a remarkable family. We have four of our own kids and adopted three more awesome kids along the way. We have mostly raised these seven kids. Four have already graduated college, two are happily married, two doing well in college and one in high school. I coached sports teams for most of my kids, attended almost all of their events over the years, walked them to school a bunch, had more family dinners, activities and small vacations than I can remember.

I graduated college with a pre-med and electrical engineering degree, went to medical school, quit to become an engineer, and earned a graduate degree in electrical engineering part-time that was paid for by my first job. I have worked for some of the best, large tech companies in the Chicagoland area for more than 10 years moving my way up the ladder in responsibility. After more than a decade in the big corporate world I wanted more control over my impact so I joined a good friend in his small business and became a partner in 2000 and have been doing that ever since.

My and my business partner enjoy a solid business relationship, friendship and faith. We have been successful in making money and in social enterprise as well, planting a social business in the Philippines in partnership with an amazing ministry that is making a huge difference.

I’ve been part of a dynamic, growing church for more than 21 years now and have enjoyed many different kinds of leadership, engagement, and community with kids, students, young adults and adults.

The Good Life?

I have had a pretty good life and I am not yet 50 years old. If you would have told my college self back in the day that I would enjoy all of these good things in life, I would expect that I would also be pretty free of disappointment and trouble.

The way it actually turned out is, while I am happy much of the time, I can honestly say that I experience disappointment and frustration on a daily basis – some days more than other. Ever few weeks that disappointment can compound into more serious frustration. Every few months I have times where I question what I am doing and sometimes who I am. Every few years I find myself, at times, questioning if it would be better maybe if I didn’t exist any more. Those thoughts are always short-lived, but I do infrequently even question the value of my life.

What’s Normal?

I share that because I believe that is a somewhat normal experience. It may not be normal to admit it publicly, but I believe it is normal to experience those feelings. If one does not believe that it is normal to experience difficulty in life that can turn into disappointment that can compound into feelings of early depression, then we should be able to deal with it more effectively. If it is normal and expected, we should be able to limit the duration intensity and frequency of disappointment. Learn to fail well, face difficulty well and suffer well.

I believe that not only do we experience ups and downs on a regular basis, but that at all times we have both good and bad in our lives. As Rick Warren said,

“I used to think that life was hills and valleys – you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don’t believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it’s kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.”

I really appreciate how he articulated that because I have found that to be true in my life – I always have at least some good and some bad in my life simultaneously. Not that I want to dwell on the bad, but I want to accept the reality that is there so I can deal with it effectively.  I also think we do experience highs and lows as well, but, at all times, both good and bad are there.

Real Christian Don’t Have Disappointment, Right?

Followers of Jesus can put unrealistic pressure on themselves to have a stress and disappointment free life. Difficulty and disappointment are seen by many in the faith as unnecessary things that can and should be transcended as one achieves that higher degree of spiritual connectedness, I’m calling BS on that.

I not only believe, but I have experienced  as a matter of fact that following after Jesus will bring more difficulty, stress and disappointment into your life. Jesus leads us into messy and difficulty engagements if we are truly following him. Check out how some of these followers of God/Jesus mentioned in the Bible have felt – just a small sampling:

    • Jonah 4:3 – “Now, Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.”
    • 1 King 19:4 – “He (Elijah) prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life;”
    • Jeremiah 20:18 – “Why did I ever come out of the womb to see trouble and sorrow and to end my days in shame?
    • Psalm 13:2 – “How long must I (David) wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?”
    • Luke 7:18-19 – “John called for two of his disciples, and he sent them to the Lord to ask him, ‘Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?’”

If you read the Bible from cover to cover, you will find story after story of people who desire to follow God being disappointed along the way – sometimes profoundly disappointed and even depressed to the point of contemplating suicide. That’s pretty serious stuff and it is all right there in the Bible.

Being a devoted follower of Jesus will not exempt any of us from disappointment and trouble in life – in fact, I have found that following Jesus creates more opportunity for disappointment and difficulty. But knowing and following Jesus should help us process difficulty and disappointment in a more effective way.

Common Language for Disappointment and Depression

Let’s get some definitions and common language understood.

Disappointment is a natural response to difficulty in our lives. The prevalence, duration and intensity of disappointment we experience is directly proportional to how we process difficulty, trouble and problems as they flow into our lives.

Difficulties, trouble and problems will come into our life – often. This is a guarantee unless we are completely unplugged from reality. Reacting negatively to difficulties will generate disappointment in our lives. Continued negative reaction will result in ongoing disappointment which can become habitual and chronic. This can lead to what I refer to as cognitive depression.

My definition of cognitive depression is a pre-clinically depressed state cause by our thoughts, attitudes and beliefs. If left unchecked, cognitive depression will develop into clinical depression.

Working Backward

Let’s work backwards. If you find yourself clinically depressed, you need, professional, medical help – and most likely medication. Clinical depression involves serious neurochemical shifts in your brain that can often times only be reversed with medication under professional supervision. Most Christians have no problem seeing a doctor for a sinus infection but some will bristle at mental health visits. It’s the same thing. God gave us doctors and medical science to leverage and steward. Clinical depression is bonafide medical issue like a sinus infection, heart disease or anything else.

If you feel like your thoughts, attitudes and beliefs are in a habitually negative place, you may be in this middle-ground state I call cognitive depression. Depending on the severity of your situation you may want to seek some professional counseling session or even see a psychiatrist. If you have a few people in your life you trust with having your best interests at heart, you may want to share how you’re feeling and have them advise you if you are having trouble making up your mind on seeking professional help.

So, we are back to the beginning with how we respond to difficulty and disappointment as it comes into our lives. How difficulty affects our thoughts, attitudes and beliefs is very important – especially if one desires to stay out of the mode of consistent disappointment that can lead to cognitive and later clinical depression.

Let’s take a close look at expectations. Another phrase we can substitute for expectations is definition of success. My expectations for a particular scenario are really at the same time how I would define success in that scenario.

Expectations are So Important

Why is our definition of success important? Why are expectations so important?

Here is a simple example. I am a huge Chicago Cubs fan. I have been since I was about 8 years old. This last year has been great. Everyone expected this to be another rebuilding year. The definition of success at the beginning of the season would have been to so a little better than last year – maybe get to 500 – half wins and have losses; as opposed to last year’s roughly ⅓ wins and ⅔ losses over the 2014 season. As it turns out, the Cubs greatly exceeded expectations. They won roughly ⅔ of their games – made the playoffs – won the wildcard playoffs, won the divisional series against their arch rivals the Cardinals, and then lost in the league championship series against the Mets.

While I wasn’t jumping for joy when they lost that series – I was still happy. I had hope. I felt great about the season. I was proud of the Cubs and what they accomplished and I am looking forward to next season with great enthusiasm. I am in a good place from a baseball perspective. A warm, fuzzy, happy place.

In 2003 the expectations were a lot different. The spring training edition of SPort Illustrated had the Cubs on it’s cover with the caption,

Hell will freeze over. Cubs will win the World Series.

The definition of success that year was winning the whole enchilada. Nothing else would satisfy. Nothing else would be accepted. Of course, the Cubs lost in the league championship series. That loss was devastating. A young man named Steve Bartman almost lost his life because of it. Die-hard Cubs fans were in agony – many of them actually became depressed.

The end result in 2003 and in 2015 was exactly the same. Losing in the league championship series. But the disappointment generated in 2003 far exceeded the disappointment generated in 2015 – all because the expectations – the definition of success – was different.

Authentic Success is Layered

Same is true with life. If you believe that marrying the love of your life and having a wonderful family and a solid professional career will eliminate most disappointment from your life you are very much mistaken.

That is why I shared so much detail about the happy parts of my life – not to brag – but to underscore the idea that if we define success as being happily married, successfully raising a family, having a successful career, or even living a meaningful, spiritually connected life, we will be inviting opportunity for serious disappointment in our lives.

How you define success is very important.

One of the biggest issues with defining success is the belief that it is one monolithic thing. Like Curly said in City Slickers to Billy Crystal that life is about one thing and you have to find it to be happy. That might make for a good movie line, but it is NOT real life.

Real life is more complicated than that. We need many things in life to be happy. Air. Water. Food, Clothes. Shelter. Security. Meaningful work, Love, etc. We need ALL of them simultaneously. We are layered, multi-faceted beings. We need a definition of success that is also layered and multi- faceted. Please consider the following diagram:

The Layers

I have found success to be layered, like an onion, or an ogre. Our spiritual connection with God is at the center of my success onion. My internal character the next layer of my success onion. God and Character form what I refer to as my internal success layers. These are “inner” because they a primarily expressed internally and are not directly visible to the outside world, only indirectly visible. You can’t really know the depth of my spiritual life or my character by looking a a recent head-shot picture of me.

The inner layers of success I have found to be the most difficult to work on. They are the foundational pieces that take a long time to lay and develop – with a lot of back and forth, up and down, two steps forward, one step back. They also have limited short-term bang-for-the-buck. It normally takes a great deal of time for their effect to be realized in the “External” layers of success.

The external layers of success in my life are what people can see and feel. It is the realization of my influence on the world around me. My relationships with people – wife, kids, mom/dad, family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, followers on social media, etc. That is the first external layer. The final external layer is my vocation, ministry, career – or for younger folk – high school, college or graduate school.

Where is the Focus?

Most of the people I know are consumed with the outer layers and most older folk I know are most concerned with that outermost layer – vocation/ministry. What they do.

When people compare their outer layers to the outer layers of others, they will inevitably see themselves as falling short. They are not in the career position they thought they would be, they are not having the world-changing influence they always imagined themselves being, their marriage/family isn’t everything they hoped for, they don’t have as many friends, or the quality of friendships they thought they would have, etc.

When we see others and compare, our expectations shift – and our disappointment increases.

If we had or have high expectations for ourselves at the outer layers, we will inevitably, always miss expectations – and become disappointed.

I found in my life, that when the comparisons come, and when my own high expectations – which are not necessarily a bad thing – come to disappoint me, and need to fall back into my lower, internal layers of success to revitalize, recharge and recenter myself. Those lower layers become a solid, yet soft foundation that I can retreat to and land on for support.

Inner Layers

I define character overall as the development of character competencies throughout my life. I have come to a set of ten character competencies that I concentrate on: Personal Discipline, Accurate Self-Image, Positive Attitude, Principle-Driven, Mission and Purpose, Integrated Life, Others-Centered, Personal Transformation, Adaptability, and Perseverance. Each one of these competencies gives me valuable tools and strategies to effectively deal with disappointment and difficulties and prevent me from falling into cognitive depression.

God is at the center. That is not a Republican platitude but a reference to the reason and motivation for my existence. My entire spiritual life is formed and developed at this layer. For me this includes, prayer, meditation on and wrestling with scripture, attentiveness to God’s Spirit inside of me, discipling relationships with people I know well and trust, etc.

When disappointment really starts to get to me, I have to retreat to this inner most layer to get back to the basic truth that God loves me and made me incredibly awesome. Ephesians 2:10 says I am God’s masterpiece, his work of art, who was created to do good works that God has already planned in advance for me to do. My expectations and the comparisons I make with other people lose their power of me when I reflect and consider God’s truth about myself, and my life.

My essence, my being is already awesome – already a masterpiece – waiting to be progressively unleashed throughout my lifetime. There is nothing I can do or not do to make God love me any more or less. This innermost layer is my rock – the lowest place I can fall and the highest place I can find meaning and worth.

Easier Said than Done

While it is fairly easy to articulate this in words and diagrams in a blog post, it is much more difficult to practice and live out on a daily basis. All too often when disappointment grabs hold of me I find myself stuck in the outer layers – a spiral that gets bigger and bigger and keeps me away from my inner core.

But the way out is always known to me. My inner layers eventually kick in. Sometimes I need the help of others or a kick in the rear, sometimes I may even need a little medical help, but I have always found my way back to my core definition of success – my inner layers, and it has always been there that I have been rescued, recharged and rejuvenated.

If you have never done it, take some time to create a first draft of your personal, layered definition of authentic success for your life. If you have done it before, go over it again. Make sure it has all of the layers that represent your whole being.

In closing, I will share my latest thoughts on my personal, layered version of authentic success for my life. Check it out. I fall short of it most days, but, it is something to shoot for, and something that redirects my disappointment and difficulty to a better place!

My Layers

 

  • Inner Core

 

    • Glorify God
      • Is 43:7, 1 Cor 6:20, 1 Th 5:18
    • Love God with whole heart, soul, mind strength
      • Deut 6:4-9
    • Love neighbor as yourself
      • Matt 22:39, Lev 19:18
      • Includes servant-leadership

 

 

  • Outer Core

 

    • Unleash the Masterpiece
      • Eph 2:10
      • Helping others become fully who they were created to be
    • Be transformed by the renewing of your mind
      • Romans 12:2
      • Iterative process of excellence always moving forward / growing
    • Be fully present in the every moment
      • Prov 27:1, Matt 6:25-34
    • Integrated / balanced life
      • Col 3:23-24, Col 3:12-15
    • Develop good habits
      • Hebrews 12:11, 2 Tim 1:7

 

 

  • Inner Surface

 

    • Unity
      • John 17:20-23
    • Learn, Apply, Coach
      • 2 Tim 2:2, Prov 22:26, 1 Thess 2:8
    • Includes multiplication / replication / apprenticeship
    • Meaningful partnerships (networks)
      • Luke 22:25, Rom 8:28
    • Entrepreneurialism
      • Titus 3:14, Is 54:2-3, Prov 22:9

 

  • Outer Surface (Phil 4:8)
    • Missional Business / Social Enterprise / Community Development
    • Millennial-focused Church Plant

The Success Onion

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The Success Onion

 

Summary

What is my definition of success? I have found that success comes in several layers, each layer relying on the previous layer to provide foundational strength and support. Success that is not built upon a strong foundation of inner layers is no real success at all. Like the house built on the sand, success built upon a weak foundation will crumble when the storms of life come – and they will come.

successOnon-Small

Layers

What is my definition of success? I want to be a good husband, good father. I want to be successful in business. I want to be influential in the lives of people – people close to me and far from me. I want to lift people out of poverty. I want to be filled with God’s Spirit and reflect his character and love. I want to be physically healthy. I want to climb Mt Rainier. I want to Mountain Bike in Europe. I want to be competitive playing sports for fun with my kids. My definition of success is deep and wide. It cannot be answered in one simple sentence.

 

 

  • Primary Layer of Success – Be Yourself

 

What is my definition of success? I believe my primary calling is to be fully me. All of my unique DNA, if removed from each cell, uncoiled and stretched end-to-end, would be 80 billion miles long. I was created as a unique masterpiece. There has never been, and will never be another person like me.

I need to be fully me in every moment of my life to achieve authentic success. This requires holistic health. I need to be spiritually health. I need strong character. I need to be physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. The extent of my holistic health will determine the extent of my full presence in every moment of life. This is the base, deepest foundational layer of success upon which all other layers are built.

 

 

  • Secondary Layer of Success – Relational

 

What is my definition of success? How often have we heard people bemoan that their quest for vocational success came at the expense of the people that mattered most to them: spouse, children, close friends, etc.? True vocational success has to be built upon a foundation of relational success. The Steve Jobs Movie is a great illustration of how terrible it can be if vocational success trumps relational success.

I want to build deep and satisfying relationships with my wife, my kids, my close friends, business partners, ministry partners, etc. A strong foundation here will enable me to achieve authentic vocational success.

 

 

  • Third Layer of Success – Vocational

 

What is my definition of success? I want to invest my life in substantial causes that matter. I want to being my God-given talents and gifts to bear in a vocational endeavor that gets me out of bed early every morning. I want to be rewarded financially from my vocational success. I would like my vocational success to provide a platform of wide influence for me.

I understand in order to succeed authentically at this level, my private life needs to be strong – relationally and inwardly. If my vocational success is built upon a shallow, sandy foundation, it will crumble, and my vocational legacy will be reduced at best, or at worst – be completely destroyed.

 

 

  • Fourth Layer of Success – Projects / Endeavors

 

What is my definition of success? I want to climb Mt Rainier. I want to be physically fit when I’m 80. I want to Mountain Bike through Europe. I want to build a nice stone patio in my backyard. I want to finish Birkie cross country ski race. I want to snowboard out West. I want to learn how to fly a plane. I want to write meaningful blog posts regularly. I would like to write a script for a movie. I want to write a book.

I have smaller, what I would call project level endeavors and goals. I may have one or more of these things going at the same time – in parallel with my vocation, relationship and personal leadership successes. These things provide the spice of life to me – extra incentives.

 

My Definition of Success

What is my definition of success? My definition of success cannot be fully articulated in a short sentence. It is tall, deep and wide. It is layered – multi-faceted, holistic and complete. It is internal and external, private and public. It is vocational and relational. It is about inner health and fun/exciting projects and endeavors. It is all of these things. When I put too much focus on one layer – one aspect – of success, I risk becoming unsuccessful across the board.
If pushed for a one sentence definition of success, I would have to say,

To be fully, completely and holistically ME, in every moment of my life.

But that is just scratching the surface of what my definition of success entails…

 

Definitions of Success - Success Onion (1)

Why Suffering?

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The words suffering and trials have been in many of my conversations over the last several weeks and months. Some of the conversations I resonated with, some I didn’t agree with at all, and many were in between. It got me thinking about what I believe about trials and suffering.

suffering-small

One of my primary observations in the conversations is that often people try to use words like CAUSE and PURPOSE, in the context of suffering and trials, interchangeably. From my perspective, if we don’t get those words right, we can potentially harm someone with what we are saying.

I have also observed that the words TRIAL and SUFFERING are used to describe a large variance of events and circumstances – from great to small, innocuous to life-threatening, personal to global.

In order to fully understand suffering, I have to lay out four distinct types, or categories of suffering/trials. Two or more may intersect, but what is true about each will be true of the intersection.

 

Four Categories of Suffering

 

 

  • General / Random Suffering / Trials

 

    • I define this to be suffering / trials caused as a result of living in a broken/fallen/messed up world.
    • Examples: natural disasters, diseases, genetic defects, accidents (bird flies into a helicopter prop and it crashes), famines, cancer, etc.
    • CAUSE
      • The nature of a broken, messed up fallen world – cursed by the evil (sin) of mankind. Natural disasters, disease, famine, etc., were never part of God’s original plan of the Garden of Eden, and are not part of his final plan of eternity, new heaven/earth. I do not believe the direct or indirect cause of these is God, or any person in particular. It is the result of corporate evil (sin).
    • PURPOSE
      • I do NOT believe this type of suffering has a meaningful, primary purpose of any kind. God’s original plan was to have none of this. It is not necessary and is the result of us corporately being broken. If we were not corporately broken, you would not have this kind of suffering/trials in the world.

 

 

  • Direct Person-caused Suffering / Trials

 

    • I define this to be suffering / trials resulting from one specific person committing a specific act of evil or sin that one specific person inflicts upon another person.
    • Examples: murder, rape, physical, sexual, verbal, emotional abuse, abandonment, enslavement, oppression, racism, injustice, theft/stealing, degrading, hurt, harm, etc.
    • Note: I believe injustice always boils down to individual acts that must be addressed individually. I do not believe in general (random) injustice. It all stems from individual belief and action.
    • CAUSE
      • A specific individual’s unique capacity to be evil, wicked, selfish, sinful, etc.
    • PURPOSE
      • I do NOT believe this type of suffering has a meaningful, primary purpose of any kind. God’s original plan was to have none of this. It is not necessary and is the result of us as individuals being broken. If we were not individually broken, you would not have this kind of suffering/trials in the world.

 

 

  • Direct Self-caused Suffering / Trials

 

    • I define this to be suffering / trials resulting from the consequences of your own action that you are fully responsible for.
    • Examples: consequences resulting from committing a crime, cheating on your spouse, being a neglectful parent, not working hard enough to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy, being lazy at work, not fully leveraging gifts, opportunities, etc.
    • CAUSE
      • You, me. We, ourselves, and only ourselves.
    • PURPOSE
      • I do NOT believe this type of suffering has a meaningful, primary purpose of any kind. God’s original plan was to have none of this. It is not necessary and is the result of us as individuals being broken. If we were not individually broken, you would not have this kind of suffering/trials in the world.

 

 

  • Intentional (following) Suffering / Trials

 

    • I define this as suffering we bring upon ourselves by choosing intentionally to do the right thing instead of the wrong thing. Also, by deliberately following after Jesus. This is optional suffering that we sign up for and it is not suffering our evil caused. It is suffering caused by our desire to do good.
    • Examples: adopting kids, getting involved in freeing the oppressed, battling injustice, humbling yourself, taking the ethical high road, sacrificially loving others, blessing those who curse you, praying for those who persecute you. I will share more specific examples below.
    • CAUSE
      • Your desire to follow and be obedient to God’s direction in your life. This type of suffering is indirectly caused by God, and directly caused by or will/obedience/actions.
    • PURPOSE
      • I believe this intentional suffering / trial has a direct, altruistic and meaningful purpose: to demonstrate God’s grace, love and mercy. A sub-purpose would be to alleviate the suffering of others caused by themselves, other people, or the general brokenness of the world corporately.

 

Takeaways from the Four Categories

 

Everything Happens for A Reason – Really?

Almost everyone has heard this phrase, Everything Happens for a Reason. That phrase implies that while we may not (or ever) understand it, God has a distinct purpose for EVERYTHING we go through in life.

I completely disagree. As you can see, the first three categories are purposeless in my explanation of them. They did not need happen, and in God’s perfect world, if God got what he wanted all the time, these things would NOT have ever happened. They are a result of our free-will to do evil – both individually and corporately. The corporate nature of it causes the first category of what I called random suffering. No one’s individual evil/sin causes cancer or hurricanes, or corporate evil/sin cursed the originally perfect world.

I guess, technically everything does happen for a reason – but NOT a good reason directed by God. Most of the time it’s for a bad reason – directed by us individually and corporately because we are evil and sinful.

 

Everything Working Together for Good

On the flip side, I believe Romans 8:28 IS true: And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (them meaning those who God loves, not the everything)

God can take what is meant for evil and use it to create a good outcome  – Joseph from the OT actually says this to his brothers who sold him into slavery. That does NOT mean that is God’s preferred way of accomplishing good.

God does not NEED evil to accomplish the good he wants. Since he made the Garden of Eden and said it was good – he was in effect saying that if Adam and Eve never sinned, God’s perfect will for the world could have been carried out just fine WITHOUT evil/sin of any kind.

In addition, the fact that, Revelation refers to the creation of a new heaven and new earth at the end of the age – that will be without evil/sin – also testifies to the fact that God does NOT need, nor does he PREFER to use evil to accomplish his goodness.

The fact that he CAN and is ABLE TO utilize evil to accomplish good is just part of his omnipotence.

But, I firmly believe that God’s Plan A is ALWAYS to accomplish good without using evil. Once evil is done by virtue of personal or corporate free will, God transitions to Plan B where he uses his omnipotent awesomeness to STILL bring good out of the evil.

 

Suffering Well

As follows of Jesus, we can really stand out and shine in today’s world by suffering well. Suffering well is difficult if not impossible to do – without a meaningful, constantly developing faith in God and following hard after Jesus.

Suffering well, I believe, is one of the best evangelistic tools available to us as followers. Suffering will come to everyone. Most people do not handle it well when it comes their way through no fault of their own.

 

Choosing to Suffer?

As followers of Jesus, we actually invite suffering into our lives – intentional suffering – because we want to follow Jesus and make a difference in a messed up world. So not only can we suffer well in the first three categories of suffering, but we can be a further example of Jesus by intentionally choosing to suffer ourselves in the hopes of alleviating the suffering of others.

Work with drug addicts, or the abused, abandoned, and neglected, or those in prison, or those dealing with injustice, and I guarantee you – YOU WILL SUFFER. If we suffer well, when we suffer intentionally, that is a great testimony and reflection of the love of God and the grace and mercy of Jesus.

While I believe James 1:2 can apply in some of the other categories of suffering, I think it PRIMARILY applies to the fourth type – intentional suffering:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

If you got caught cheating using Ashley Madison when the data dump came out – well – I don’t think James is primarily talking about that kind of suffering.

But when we consistently, deliberately engage the suffering of others, in a well-planned and thought out manner, and suffer well in the process, we make a huge difference, not only in the lives of those suffering that we are ministering to, but also in the example and reflection of God’s love and grace to the world around us.

 

Count the Cost

In Luke 14:25-30, Jesus talks to his followers about counting the cost. In verse 27 – And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. And in verse 33 – those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

I believe Jesus is saying that, if we are truly following him, we will be inviting intentional suffering into our lives – and it will cost us something. For some of us, it might cost us everything.

If following Jesus doesn’t ever cost me anything, I need to ask myself if it is really Jesus that I am following.

The Tetris Effect – Why it Maters Even if You Hate Video Games!

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The Tetris Effect

I read a recent article with the headline, Playing Tetris ‘can help stop cravings for food, drugs and other addictive behaviours’. Not only was the headline interesting, but I believe the thesis also supports some principles around what it takes to live a meaningful life and have an impact on the world around us.

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A new study has revealed that playing the Russian computer game smash for as little as three minutes at a time can weaken cravings for drugs, food and even activities such as sex and sleeping by approximately one fifth.

 

The Research

Here is are the relevant direct quotes from the article:

Psychologists from Plymouth University and Queensland University of Technology, Australia, have revealed that playing Tetris interfered with desires not only for food, but also for drugs, including cigarettes, alcohol and coffee, and other activities

…

Professor Jackie Andrade, from the School of Psychology and the Cognition Institute at Plymouth University said,

“This is the first demonstration that cognitive interference can be used outside the lab to reduce cravings for substances and activities other than eating.

We think the Tetris effect happens because craving involves imagining the experience of consuming a particular substance or indulging in a particular activity.

Playing a visually interesting game like Tetris occupies the mental processes that support that imagery; it is hard to imagine something vividly and play Tetris at the same time.”

…

“As a support tool, Tetris could help people manage their cravings in their daily lives and over extended time periods,” added Professor Andrade.

 

Cravings and Substance Abuse

Anyone who has had or has known someone who has had an addiction problem knows what the word cravings means in a negative context. Merriam-Webster defines craving as – an intense, urgent and/or abnormal desire or longing.

In the context of substance abuse, someone who is trying to stay sober will have strong cravings daily – usual many times a day – for the particular substance or activity they are addicted to. All of these cravings can add to to create a relapse – when a person finally gives into the cravings.

The tetris effect is basically distracting your mind from your negative cravings by preoccupying your mind with something more neutral and innocuous – playing a video game. In the study, as soon as the craving started, the test subject would play a few minutes of tetris. This would distract their mind from the craving, and after a few minutes, the test subject was able to continue with their normal activities without the craving. Pretty cool.

 

Cravings WITHOUT Substance Abuse

Of course, those with substance abuse problems or sexually related addictions are not the only ones with negative cravings. We ALL experience negative cravings; and, believe it or not, those cravings are still caused by the process of addiction.

As I have become more introspective and have been pursuing accountability and blind spot identification the last few years, I have confronted with what I would term the common addiction that afflicts everyone – young/old, successful/broke, man/woman, religious/atheist/agnostic. This common addiction is negative thinking.

 

Neurochemistry and the Brain

How can negative thinking be a physical addiction you may ask? Well, the answer is related to neurochemistry. When we encounter a situation or a person, the real-life interaction that occurs can be called the real story. As you reflect on this real story – either in the moment or later on – your brain wants to fill in the gaps of the real story. The brain does this by developing an imagined story from the real story. The brain fills in the gaps as it were – things like motive, explanations for non-verbal cues, perceived attitudes, etc.

This imagined story can become quite elaborate. The more one dwells on the imagined story, the more detailed – and ingrained – it becomes. Why does the brain do this? Simple. When you develop the story further by filling in the gaps and create an imagined story, your brain gets flooded with dopamine. Dopamine is the same reward mechanism that gets triggered when you abuse substance or engage in other, negative addictive behavior like the various forms of sexual addictions. Now, the dopamine flood from imagined story creation is not nearly as intense as it would be if you did a hit of crack cocaine – but, the mechanism is exactly the same.

So, our brains, actually become addicted to making up stories in our heads – imagined stories – to augment and flesh out the details missing in the real story. This will create cravings to develop an imagined story – any time a real story is physically played out in our lives.

Guess what else about the brain plays against us here? Our brains do not know the difference between something imagined and something real. That’s why we can cry during a sad movie, get scared or jump during a scary movie, and get fired up during an adventure movie. Our brain reacts as if the story we are watching is real life – even when it is not. The playing of the imagined story like a movie in our heads – also causes a flood of dopamine to be released in our brains – deepening the addiction.

 

The Unhappy Happy Place

Here’s where it gets really messed up. Because of the dopamine released when we make up imagined stories and because more gets released when we play the imagined story like a movie in our heads, negative thinking can become a neurochemical happy place for us. As days turn into months which turn into years, we can become so hooked on negative thinking – about others and ourselves – that we are deep in this addictive rut without even realizing it.

More bad news? Yup. You CANNOT get rid of an addiction. I repeat. No one can remove an addiction from their lives. You have to REPLACE the addiction with another behavior that produces the SAME REWARD in your brain.

 

Believing the Best

So, what can we use to replace our negative thinking about ourselves and others? Well, you may have guessed it – positive thinking! Specifically though, it is thinking that requires us to believe the best – about ourselves, others, and the situations we find ourselves in.

We can actually create positive imagined stories in our minds that fill in the gaps with positive assumptions.

 

Example Real Story:

This person I know just walked right past me, looked and me, and didn’t smile or say hello.

Example Negative Imagined Story:

They must hate me. They must be mad about such-and-such that happened last week. They must have been talking about me with so-and-so who doesn’t like me.

Example Positive Imagined Story:

They must have had something else really important on their minds. They must not have seen me. They might have something serious going on in their lives that they are pre-occupied with. I’ll check in with them later and see how they are doing

That’s a relatively simple example, but it illustrates the process. With intentionality, deliberate will, discipline and accountability – similar to what a substance abuser might experience in a recovery meeting like AA – each of us can overcome these negative thought addictions in our brains. We need to admit we have a problem, we need to create a plan of action, and ask others to hold us accountable. Just as if we had a substance abuse or physical addiction.

Hello. I’m Bob. I can think very negatively about myself and others.

I’m not trying to be mocking when I say that. Negative thought patterns about ourselves, others in our lives, and the situations we find ourselves in, can greatly reduce or even destroy the masterpiece that God desires for our daily lives.

 

God’s Tetris Game

Where does the concept of believing the best come from? Straight from the mind of God. How cool is it that God gives us exactly what we need to create an addiction to positive thinking? God commands us to look to the needs of others as more important than our own. To love others as much as we love ourselves. To do unto others as we would like them to do unto us. Give to the poor, care for the orphans and widows, and bring justice to the oppressed.Those are not just sweet platitudes or higher principles of life – they are daily disciplines and practices. They are systems for developing healthy addictions –  in other words – good habits.

God essentially gives us a much more effective, much more meaningful distraction from our negative thinking than Tetris can ever be. God gives us the ability to live our lives for others. To be kind, compassionate, generous and loving. That is the Tetris Effect in God’s economy. The good news (or bad news for video game junkies) is that God offers us the perfect solution for negative, addictive thinking and behavior – a renewed mind – that places servant-leadership and sacrificial love as the top pursuit for our daily living.

This has been the story of my journey in the last couple years. I am slowly breaking the bondage of 40+ years of negative thinking patterns using God’s Tetris Effect for unleashing the masterpiece he created me to be. I commit myself daily to being distracted by loving others, leading sacrificially and keeping the needs of the poor, orphans and the oppressed in my mind, heart and actions. Some days I do better at living out that commitment than others. It will be a lifelong journey of imperfection for me – but I can feel my negative habits of thought being replaced by positive ones – slowly, one day at a time. I never want to go back to the old patterns!

The Cost of Empathy

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I recently read an article on empathy from the New York Times, Sunday review, titled, Empathy is Actually a Choice, written by: Daryl Cameron, Michael Inzlicht AND William A. Cunningham. The article talks about empathy, and if it is possible for us to increase the current level of empathy we have.

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What is Empathy – What makes us express (or not express) it?

Empathy can be simply defined as the ability to understand, share and relate to the feelings of another.  The article first talks about the strange trend between the number of people in a situation who need empathy versus the amount of empathy we feel:

 

ONE death is a tragedy. One million is a statistic.

You’ve probably heard this saying before. It is thought to capture an unfortunate truth about empathy: While a single crying child or injured puppy tugs at our heartstrings, large numbers of suffering people, as in epidemics, earthquakes and genocides, do not inspire a comparable reaction.

Studies have repeatedly confirmed this.

 

I don’t know about you, but I have had this phenomenon play it in my own life. While I may express outrage about a larger issue, or might be motivated to offer a slacktivist quote or comment on social media, the bigger issues do not really elicit a deep, emotional response from me. That is a little disturbing – not only to me – but to many scientists who have done the research on this kind of thing.

 

Worse News About Expressing Empathy

What is even more disturbing is the following direct quote from the article:

 

Not only does empathy seem to fail when it is needed most, but it also appears to play favorites. Recent studies have shown that our empathy is dampened or constrained when it comes to people of different races, nationalities or creeds.

 

Yikes. Since I am a somewhat privileged white, middle-aged male, that puts me at the greatest risk of not being able to generate empathy for the people groups who are probably in the most need locally and globally. That’s makes a difficult problem even more difficult.

 

Can we improve? – Yes!

There is good news. This article expresses that we all possess the innate ability to grow and expand our empathy – if we exert the proper effort. The article doesn’t really suggest good, practical ways to develop and grow our empathy – at least not in my opinion.

 

I have personally experienced substantial development of empathy in myself, and seen it substantially grown in others, through the vehicle of mission trips.

 

Mission Trips

For the sake of this discussion, let’s define a mission trip as:

 

Intentional interaction with a people group that is different than you in one more more significant ways, for the primary purpose of getting to know individuals in that peeple group better.

 

You could be going to visit an oppressed people group in a developing country on the other side of the globe, or across the street to an elderly couple, or across town to people of a different nationality, race, socioeconomic status or creed. If it’s intentional, if they are different than you, and your primary purpose is to get to know them better, that is how I would define a mission trip.

 

My Mission Trip Experience

When I first had an opportunity to visit Frontline Missions in the Philippines to work with street children for a couple weeks, I had no idea what to expect. My wife Vicky and I had always supported a child through a mission outreach program. We ended up catching an infomercial about poor kids early on in our marriage, and we felt compelled to sponsor a child.  We loved getting pictures, little notes, etc. We would pray for her, think about her when we saw the picture hanging on the fridge; but, we really didn’t have empathy for her – pity maybe – but not empathy.

 

When I spent several hours over several days with Frontline in the Philippines, sitting down with and talking to kids who actually do live on the street, who have actually suffered abuses of all kinds, who go hungry sometimes for days, who have been forced into prostitution; when I actually got to know someone who has experienced that, it completely changed me. Not only did I feel a great sense of empathy for these kids, but spending time with them also developed in me a deep compassion for them..

 

The simplest definition of compassion is:

 

To suffer with

 

I knew these kids by name. I knew who their brothers and sisters were. I knew the stories that led to each one of them living on the streets. I knew some of the stories of the things that would happen to them on the street. I knew some of their hopes and dreams. Getting to know them allowed me to suffer with them, to understand how they feel.

 

This experience completely changed the equation for me. I moved from pity to empathy and compassion. This had the effect of increasing the amount of time I thought about these kids and the amount of effort and creativity I put into helping them address the issues that were important to them. My experience created a long-term, personal relationship with the kids and the Frontline organization that has lasted for 9+ years – over 16 trips with friends and family – creating opportunity for developing empathy, compassion and action in others – starting a missional business out there, and other kinds of involvement.

 

VALUE of Mission Trips

The value of mission trips done relationally is so much greater than the cost of a plane ticket and on-the-ground expenses. It develops a significant amount of empathy and compassion – which in turn, completely changes us from the inside-out, and can change the world.

 

Of course, Frontline has to work hard, be creative and take risks to create experiences that are intentional – with the primary purpose of getting to know the people involved in the outreach: from those reaching out to those being served. That is not easy to do. Many mission organizations settle for lesser mission trip experiences.

 

The value to cost ratio is even higher when you are going across town, or across the street. The time, money and risk investment is much smaller, but the return can be just as good – if not better. Not everyone will be able to make it across the globe 16 times in 9 years – and start a business in a developing country – but we can walk across the street 16 times in 9 years, and go across town at least that many times.

 

Mission Trips in Town

My wife and I have been mentoring under-resourced kids in a local elementary school for some five or six years now. Getting to know these kids for weeks, sometimes years, has been a huge blessing for us. We have developed empathy and compassion for the issues people who are different than us are experiencing every day, right in our own backyard. Our empathy has driven further investment, advocacy and other activities that have mutual benefit for us and the new groups of people we know.

 

I have even benefited greatly by taking the time to get to know people whose political, religious, ideological and social view are much different than mine. I now have empathy and respect for people who hold different views than me. I see the human side – the emotional side and the cognitive side – of the different issues that people struggle with like immigration, gender, orientation, and others.

 

Daily Mission Trips

Going to work or school can be an every day mission trip for you if you are intentional about getting to know people. So can going to a movie, the grocery store – even going to church. How many of us attend churches that attract people who are from from God – every week – who have no relational connection yet at the church? If I am not intentionally meeting new people at church, I don’t believe that I can really be on mission.

 

So, no matter what the cost, so long as you can afford it, I believe mission trips are worth it every time. The more the merrier!