Bob Clinkert – Page 2

You Need People Who Believe in You

June 24, 2016 by Bob Clinkert Leave a Comment

JR Smith was one of the unlikely heroes of Game 7 for the Cleveland Cavaliers, and has experienced more than an average share of trouble and controversy in his life. JR Smith had been a mediocre player before coming to the Cavs where he has turned things around, especially in the 2016 playoffs. He averaged 11.5 points per game in the postseason this year, and shot 43% from deep. He had 8 points in the 3rd period of Game 7 of the Finals, keeping the Warriors from being able to build a sizable lead when the rest of the Cavs were cold. lead. He also had to guard Curry and Thompson most of the series and did a good job keeping them in check.

During his post-game 7 interview, he gave most of the credit for his success to his parents and his family. while answering, he mentioned his father, Earl Smith, and that Sunday, was Father’s Day. He then began to cry. Here is a partial transcript of what JR Smith had to say in that interview:

I mean, my parents, my family — that’s the biggest inspiration in my life. I’ve been in a lot of dark spots in my life, and if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be able to get out of them. But they are who they are. They followed me. They yelled at me, they screamed at me. They loved me. They hugged me. They cried with me. They always stuck by my side, no matter right or wrong. And I know a lot of people don’t have their parents in their life — their mother or their father — but, I got the best two. You guys were, I swear. There’s six of us and they didn’t treat any of us different. They loved us the same. They treated us all the same, and I just want to be like them when I grow up. My dad is easily my biggest inspiration to play this game. To hear people talk bad about me, it hurts me, because I know it hurts him, and that’s not who I am. And I know he raised better, and I know I want to do better. Everything I do is for my parents and my family. The cars is nice, the houses is nice, but none of this matters without them. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here. I don’t know where I would be. Honestly, if it wasn’t for them — if it wasn’t for the structure and the backbone that I have — I wouldn’t be able to mess up and keep coming back and being able to sit in front of you as a world champion.

That’s pretty cool. I love what he says there an how he says it. I had a couple take-a-ways.

1) Great support comes as a dynamic balance in a tension between compassionate-love and tough-love. If you notice in his transcript he says, “They followed me. They yelled at me, they screamed at me. They loved me. They hugged me. They cried with me.” In a few moments, JR Smith describes that critical balance that is real life. Sometimes you need a hug, sometimes you need a challenge, discipline, and accountability. Real love and real mentoring are able to keep those two end of the tension in harmony.

2) Some people, like JR Smith, are fortunate enough to have loving, caring, genetically-related family members to mentor them and help them through life. That is a true blessing. It is a true blessing to be that kind of family as well. Others have no genetically-related family, or the ones that they do have are abusive, dysfunctional and need to be kept at safe difference. We all need to find people in our lives who will be those positive influences, whether they are genetically-related family or not. On the flip-side, we all need to establish healthy boundaries to keep the negative influences out – genetically-related family, or not.

Finding mentors who believe in us is one of the most important things any of us will ever do. It can mean the difference between being all you were born to be, or falling short and letting opportunities slip away. That leads me to my final take-a-way number

3) If we expect people to be a positive influence in our lives, we should also give of our time, energy and resources to invest in and believe in others. Just like the old saying goes, In order to have a friend you need to be a friend. I have found that expression to be true for mentoring as well. In order to have mentors in your life, you need to be willing to be a mentor in the lives of others.

Facing your Shame

June 20, 2016 by Bob Clinkert Leave a Comment

People always talk about how great leaders face their fears and overcome. While that is true, I believe there is one thing that is even more difficult for any great leader – or anyone for that matter to do – and that is to face their shame. To face their shame after they have personally failed in character – in the moment. There was a moment after the Cavs had won the championship last night, where one player – Draymond Green from Golden State – had the courage to face his shame.

Last night LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers became the first team in NBA history to come back from a 3-1 finals deficit and win the championship – against the Golden State Warriors who had just come off the best regular season in history, with the first unanimous season MVP – Steph Curry.

Golden State lost their composure in the last few games of the series, and Draymond Green kind of led the way in that loss of composure, leading to his suspension in game five. In fact, it was likely Green’s taunting of LeBron James that help light the competitive fire in James to do what had never been done before – coming back from a three games to one deficit.

Draymond took some cheap shots – both physically and verbally – at LeBron James throughout the series. I believe that James intentionally taunted Draymond throughout the series to try to make him lose his cool. But, at the end of the day, you are responsible for your own actions, and Draymond was responsible for his.

I remember when the Chicago Bulls finally defeated their arch-nemesis – the Detroit Pistons – to advance to the finals many years ago. Isaiah Thomas and his band of sore-losers checked out of the game with a few seconds left and went to the locker room so they didn’t have to congratulate the Bulls and watch them celebrate. To me, and to many others, that really tarnished Isaiah Thomas’ legacy, and is probably a demon that has haunted him ever since. A brief moment of character deficiency in the heat of battle – that could never be fully atoned for later.

The same moment came to Draymond Green last night. After losing the championship, Green went back to the locker room and had an opportunity to think. He heard that small voice inside of him – urging him to do the right thing. Urging him to face his shame, swallow his pride, and go back out there and congratulate LeBron. I am sure, in that moment, it was a real struggle. Fortunately for Draymond, he overcame his shame, swallowed his pride, worked his way through the pandemonium with purpose, found LeBron, gave him and big bro hug and congratulated him. Here is what Draymond had to say later about that moment:

“Like I said, I hate to lose, but you learn something from everything. I take pride in being a high-character guy, and to just leave the floor like I did, I wouldn’t have been able to — I wouldn’t have felt right about myself for a long time if I didn’t go back out there and congratulate those guys on what they accomplished. So, once I sat down for a minute, I knew that the right thing to do was to go out there and congratulate them on a great season, great series, and on winning the ring.”

Kudos to you Draymond for doing the right thing. While I am not a great professional athlete, I know all about being in a position where I need to decide if I am going to face my shame or not. They do not come in the heat of NBA championship battle – but in battles on a much smaller stage – with my wife, my kids, my coworkers, the baseball teams I coach.

I am very competitive and very type A. In the heat of the moment, I have a tendency to say things I shouldn’t say – and will later regret. I know what it’s like to hear that still small voice inside of me, urging me to get up and go make it right. It’s difficult. I am so disappointed that I failed – once again – that I want to run, hide, and hope it just goes away. It takes an enormous amount of personal courage to swallow my pride and face those moments after I blow it.

They are normally not huge, newsworthy, life-altering character deficiencies. Usually they are just related to the things I say in the heat of the moment, the way I treat people, the way I carry myself. Usually only for very short periods of time as well. Because I am normally able to control myself, I can sometimes try to excuse my harsh behavior in heated moments. I am under a lot of pressure at times. Everyone loses it every now and then.

Fortunately for me, I have some friends and people close to me who can encourage me to be the best I can be – which at times means facing my shame. Just recently I was in an urgent situation at work for a couple weeks requiring long hours, high stress, and lots of close personal interactions. I did better than I usually do, but I had several moments of not being who I want to be. I allowed myself to succumb to the heat of the moment several times when I should have been able to fight through it.

God’s small voice is always there to encourage me to own it, make it right, and find a way to do better in the future. I took the time to share my issues with a few close friends and mentors in my life. I also took the time to own up to it to the people who were directly affected by my loss of cool in the moment.

Those situations are always very uncomfortable for me – but afterwards, I always know it was the right thing to do. I wish I could say that I have always, in every situation, had the courage to face my shame – but I can’t. I have missed many opportunities in the past, and probably will in the future. But, each time, it is becoming a little easier to do. Each time I do it, I am more likely to face my shame again, and less likely to put myself in the position where I need to face my shame in the first place. Progress not perfection.

I am grateful that Draymond was able to face his shame on a national stage. I suspect he will look back at that moment, as a defining moment for him, professionally and personally. Draymond might have lost the basketball game – and a basketball national title – but he won his character back. Over the next 50 years or more of life he has left, I bet that will prove to be most valuable.

My Reflections on Becoming a Grandpa for the First Time!

May 25, 2016 by Bob Clinkert Leave a Comment

My wife Vicky and I just became grandparents for the first time! Our oldest son Bobby’s wife Sarah gave birth to our grandson, Benjamin Thomas, more than 6 weeks early, on May 22. We couldn’t be more thrilled to be grandparents. It’s been a dream of ours for many years now.

I wanted to share a few reflections on the experience so far.

1) Being a grandparent is different than being a parent

Grandparenting is a completely different perspective. It’s difficult to explain the feelings involved, but I know they are different. I am different having raised kids of my own. I have much more experience, wisdom and a completely different set of filters for reality.

I don’t think it is any better or worse – just different. I am much less nervous, less worried, more excited for the bigger picture and more attentive and treasuring of each and every small detail.

Since little Ben was born a little more than six weeks early, he faces some serious challenges in preparing to breathe on his own, eat on his own, and be ready to come home. That’s a big, emotional difficulty for his parents, Bobby and Sarah. They are very private people, but I know it is weighing heavily on them.

While I do not want to downplay the seriousness of the situation, I am filled with a great deal of hope. I see little Ben as a strong little fighter, who is going to make it home as a happy, healthy infant – probably slower than any of us want – but I believe he is going to make it and thrive. It’s a perspective that is powered from a different vantage point.

His parents are in a much more difficult and emotional position. It is their first baby. They want to hold him, love him, bring him home. They don’t want to have any issues with his breathing, heart or his ability to eat, process food, and fully utilize his little diapers. It is difficult as a parent of your first baby to have to deal with potentially serious complications.

As, a grandparent, for whatever reason, I am just filled with hope, love, trust and awe. While my heart goes out to Bobby and Sarah, I trust them as parents, I trust the hospital, doctors and nursing staff, and I do not have that minute-to-minute, present unknown to deal with like they do. I get to see things a little more removed. I am thankful for that and I am thankful that I can bring that perspective to the situation.

2) Seeing your own kids grow up is awesome, confusing and weird

Seeing your baby grow up, become an adult, get married, and have his own baby is a mind-blowing experience which causes a great deal of introspection and reflection in my mind and heart

I am completely in awe of the whole parenting process from start to transition into adulthood. Each stage of that process has been new, exciting, gut-wrenching and difficult. Each successive stage is more challenging, and has more at stake than the next.

It is almost like you are in a continual process of being groomed as a parent for what is coming next. The entirety of the process of adolescence, jr high, high school, college, moving on from college, etc., is pretty amazing to look back on in hindsight. I can appreciate much more of it in hindsight, than I could when I was going through it in real-time.

I have discovered that our kids are both profoundly influenced by us as parents, and at the same time, relentlessly independent and creators of their own self and personalities. It’s both at the same time – and in different proportions and different times in different scenarios.

I can see reflections of the strengths and weaknesses of me and my wife in our kids, and at the same time, I see the way they have become their own unique, awesome individuals, with their own set of strengths and weaknesses that are independent of mom and dad. It’s like watching a beautiful, harmonious set of music and dance unfold before you that is flawlessly executed by people who are less than flawless for sure.

The funny thing for parents is, it’s never over. You never stop being a parent – but your role changes for sure. While it is bittersweet, it is good to move on, for everyone, and I look forward to the next stages. Each one will have many new opportunities to be cherished.

I am incredibly proud of Bobby and Sarah, and I love who both of them are, and I look forward to seeing them parent our little grandbaby!

2) You can fall quickly and completely in love with kids who are not your own

Wow. I love kids. I always have. But, it is still amazing how quickly and completely I have fallen in love with this little guy that I have barely been able to touch or spend time with. He is already tied to my heart in a deep and meaningful way, and those feelings will only grow stronger every day.

I am reminded of the importance of mentoring, coaching, role-modelling and coming alongside kids that are not your biological children, but are in a unique and special position in the sphere of your life.

Vicky and I have had the opportunity to adopt our good friend Julie’s three children after she passed away from cancer in 2011. We feel blessed that Julie knew that we had fallen in love with her kids. In the midst of that tragic situation of devastating loss, Julie was able to have confidence that there were people who would love and care for her children if she was not able to. That is a wonderful gift to give to someone – and her children have been a wonderful gift to us.

While I do not understand the process, I know first hand that you can fall in love with children who are not your biological kids. Sometimes, it is in dramatic ways like adopting children into your home – but most of the time, it is in smaller, more incremental ways. We all can and should play smaller roles in investing in someone’s kids.

This investment can come in many shapes and sizes, and being connected to a faith community makes it that much easier to get connected to those opportunities. It will not be easy – there is always a cost involved – but, in the grand scheme of things, it is well worth it – and there are plenty of rewards to go around. Some you will receive right away, some down the road, and some rewards you will never have the privilege of seeing – at least not in this lifetime.

The responsibility for investing in others’ kids, like biological parenting, does not end at a certain age. We will always have roles to play in the lives of the biological children of others.

At the same time, Vicky and I have been incredibly blessed as parents to have so many other people who have loved on our kids, and continue to love on them.

4) Having resources is a huge advantage

The neonatal intensive care unit and Edward hospital in Naperville is amazing. The level of competence in the care is amazing. The seamlessness of the process is amazing. The vehicles of care are in a constant state of flux and change based on the current demands of little Ben’s physical condition and how he is responding to current treatment. I have full confidence that Ben is in the best place he can possibly be in right now – and that is an enormous blessing and relief.

So many people, here in the US and in other countries, do not have access to this level of care. Without getting into the politics of it, I can tell you that my heart aches to know that if Bobby and Sarah happened to be in a different part of the world, or raised in a different socioeconomic environment, that their little guy would have a significantly reduced chance of getting healthy and whole.

I am both thankful for our opportunities and also motivated to advocate on behalf of those who do not enjoy such privilege.

5) It’s easy to forget the preciousness of life

There were half-a-dozen, highly trained health professionals attending to little Ben before he even came out into the world. Immediately after being born, he was whisked away into a state-of-the-art neonatal intensive care unit where he continues to be under the care of dozens of dedicated, professionally trained staff around the clock.

The quality of his life is of the utmost, preeminent concern of everyone on staff. Through this, they are conferring and communicating a huge amount of value and worth on this little four and a half pound bundle of joy.

In stark contrast, so many people who have a few years on little Ben, are treated with very little dignity, worth and value. Some more be may deserving of that than others, but no one in that neonatal intensive care unit is even thinking about how those kids in there may turn out, who their parents are, what their family situations are, etc. None of that matters.

The value of those little lives matter – no judgment – just love, care and concern.

I want to be able to see older kids and adults the same way the neonatal professionals see those little premature babies. Every single adult I come across in my day-to-day life was – or should have been – a prized, valued little baby – my precious than anything else in the world.

Getting older, and maybe less cute over time, should not affect our innate worth and value as individuals – but it all too often does. From my perspective as grandpa, I want to see cure, lovable little guy or gal inside of every adult I interact with – whether they are friendly or angry, like me or not like me at all, and everywhere in between.

Wrappin’ it up

So those are my thoughts on day three of grandparenting – thanks for listening!

Vicky and I are jazzed out of our minds with our new little grandson, Ben, and we can’t wait to have him home and healthy.

He has lots of Cubs, Bears and Blackhawks gear awaiting his arrival at home!

Love you Ben!!

The Practice of Harmony in Tension

May 12, 2016 by Bob Clinkert Leave a Comment

If you are breathing, have a pulse, and are engaging the world around you at all, it should be clear that we are living in very divisive, polarizing times. Almost every issue, event, leader have people drawing up battle lines, with everyone split between the “two sides.” of whatever is being discussed.

Very rarely are people willing to give any ground on any points of disagreement. You typically are either for us or against us, and there is little middle ground. The truth is the truth. And you either have it or you don’t.

I recently re-read a story told of Jesus that reminded me of this issue. Whether you consider yourself a follower of Jesus in the spiritual sense or not, most of the world believes that a person named Jesus lived about 2,000 years ago and that he was a very wise, spiritual teacher.

In this particular story, a question comes to Jesus from a religion scholar at the time, which one of the commandments is the most important? Please read the short story as told by “The Message” translation of the bible, from Mark 12:28-34 –

One of the religion scholars came up. Hearing the lively exchanges of question and answer and seeing how sharp Jesus was in his answers, he put in his question: “Which is most important of all the commandments?”

Jesus said, “The first in importance is, ‘Listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.’ And here is the second: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ There is no other commandment that ranks with these.”

The religion scholar said, “A wonderful answer, Teacher! So lucid and accurate—that God is one and there is no other. And loving him with all passion and intelligence and energy, and loving others as well as you love yourself. Why, that’s better than all offerings and sacrifices put together!”

When Jesus realized how insightful he was, he said, “You’re almost there, right on the border of God’s kingdom.”

Right off the bat, I realize that the initial question was flawed. When the religion scholar asked, which ONE of the commandments is most important, that question assumed that there is, actually only ONE that is most important. Jesus, did not answer the specific question that was asked – because it was a question formulated with an assumption about what the answer would be.

Jesus, as he often did, re-framed the question, and answered the real question, behind the original question – the unbiased version of the original question. Jesus shares not one, but two commandments. As I read the story more closely, I have come to realize that Jesus is actually setting up a TENSION as it were, between not two, but actually three specific areas.

When Jesus admonishes us to love others as well as we love ourselves, it is safe to assume that Jesus desires for us to love others well. The implication there is, that we need to love ourselves well.

Of course, if we are to love God with all of our passion, energy, etc., we would have none left for others or ourselves. I believe that Jesus is intentionally setting up this tension. He is asking us to make three distinctly different things the MAIN thing – which is – impossible in the most pragmatic sense of the word.

We could think of it as creating a static balance between the three. I am to focus on God ⅓ of the day, others ⅓ of the day, and myself, ⅓ of the day. While that is simple, and I wish it were that easy, the truth is, life is more complicated than that.

We all go through times where, we really need to focus in on ourselves so we don’t completely fall apart. Other times our family or friends – the “others” – in our lives require our full and undivided attention. Other times we need an intentional extended, undivided spiritual connection with our maker.

So the optimal balance in the tension between those three is much more likely a DYNAMIC balance, rather than a static balance. The ides of dynamic balance can be understood as a surfer riding a large wave. During the ride, the surfer has to keep herself in dynamic balance. She is moving the board, shifting her weight, and adjusting to the flow of the water underneath her every split second – or else, she will fall. Shredding the gnar on the surfboard is a great illustration for dynamic balance in tension.

That analogy might seem a bit stressful to those who are not into extreme sports. So, there is another analogy that might fit even better – the analogy of creating HARMONY in the tension. HARMONY is the blend of pitch and tone that brings life to music. It dynamically adjust to the melody, note for note. Harmony can make us think of relaxing, soft music if that is how we are wired – are head-banging grunge rock – if that is how we are wired, and/or everywhere in between.

So harmony is a great analogy for the objective – the goal – of what we are trying to achieve in the God-Others-Self tension Jesus describes. Musical harmony is constantly adjusting to the melody, note for note, just as our God-Others-Self harmony must dynamically adjust to the moment by moment fluctuations in our lives.

Harmony is great analogy for another reason as well. All of us know that creating beautiful harmony – beautiful music – requires a great deal of practice. Even if you could get one particular song exactly, perfectly right, there are thousands – millions – of other songs that can be played, that need practice.

The creation and sustaining of harmony requires developing a habit of lifelong PRACTICE. As the melody changes from song to song, the musician has to practice new harmonies. As the circumstances of our lives change, we also must adjust, and practice new harmonies in the God-Others-Self tension of life.

I believe this is what Jesus was getting at. There is no easy answer to memorize to get this right. The target is constantly moving, and it looks different for each and every one of us, in each and every moment in our lives. It requires intentional practice and development of harmony in the dynamic tension of God-Self-Others.

I have come to view most circumstances and issues in life as dynamic tensions that one must practice harmony in. Work-life, family-life, happiness, meaning, political ideologies, etc. I am beginning to solve problems by practicing harmony in tension, rather than looking for the simplistic easy way out. I do not believe most of life’s challenges have easy, predictable, static ways out that can be mastered.

Instead, I am beginning to find increasing success with a more fluid approach to all facets of life. Identifying the tensions and the harmonies, and developing habits of practice around each tension that intersect with my life.

Blackhawks “One Goal”

May 3, 2016 by Bob Clinkert Leave a Comment

How to Change the World

**Analyzing the Chicago Blackhawks One Goal Ad Campaign**

It was very painful for me to watch the Blackhawks get eliminated in round one of the 2016 playoffs last week. They made it a close series in the end, but, the defending Stanley Cup champions came up short – in the first round. How could this happen?

If you live in Chicago, you have likely seen one or more commercials from the Blackhawks “One Goal” advertising campaign. It’s been one of the most successful advertising campaigns in the history of hockey. The campaign talks about the primary professional goal of the Blackhawks organization and of the players is to win the Stanley Cup – the world championship trophy for hockey.

But, of course, that is not really the primary professional goal of the organization and players.

Please hang with me here – do not assume the point of this post is to bash sports, or money or any of that. If we can never discuss these things openly, we will never be able to get better. Don’t just tune out here – please consider the following perspective.

When the Blackhawks first won the Stanley Cup in 2010, I’ll admit I didn’t know a great deal about professional hockey. I watched games here and there and casually followed the team in the past. When the Hawks had the opportunity to win the cup, I jumped on the bandwagon like many other people. Not as a first-time hockey fan – I actually played rat hockey in my young adult years – but as a big time professional hockey fan.

The day after the Hawks took home their first Cup in 2010, I woke up early to get the localnewspapers. I did that for the Bulls every time they won a championship too – as a keepsake for my two sons who really love sports.

I remember thinking – man, we have the talent for a real dynasty-in-the-making here. Like the old SNL Superfans skit when the Bulls won their first championship – “We’re talking a minimum 8-peat.”

I read one of the articles after I bought the papers that morning, and one of the sportswriters said something to the effect of, “The Blackhawks will spend a few days celebrating, then, as we all know, they will gut the team and get ready for next season.”

G-g-g-g-g-ut the team? I didn’t know that. Why on earth would anyone want to do that? Let’s keep these guys together and go for the 8-peat! Well, it’s not that simple – you see – there are economic factors at play.

Let’s consider the two primary economic factors:

Other teams are willing to pay Cup-winning Blackhawks players much more money than they currently are making on the Blackhawks

All professional hockey teams has what is called a “Salary cap”. There is a limit to how much any team can spend on player salaries.

So, when a team, like the Blackhawks wins a world championship, the “value” of most of the players on the team immediately goes up. Since the team was already close to the salary cap at the beginning of the season, that leaves two options:

a) The players must refuse offers of more money from other teams and remain on the Blackhawks with the same salary so the team remains under the salary cap, or

b) Many of the players demand an increase in pay from the Blackhawks to match the offers from the other teams. The Blackhawks organization then decides who they consider too important to trade and raise their salaries. The Blackhawks organization then has to trade away enough other players to other teams and hire less expensive players to replace them – so the whole team is under the salary cap again. Those replacement players typically cost less because they have less playoff experience, so, the new team after the trades is usually less likely to win again next season – unless the organization gets lucky and hires “diamonds in the rough.”

As the sportswriter who wrote the article pointed out, most of the time, we end up with option (b). That means, the Blackhawks are less likely to repeat as champions the following year – ultimately as a result of the players demanding more money.

So the truth is, while winning another championship is A priority, the HIGHEST priority is usually how much money the individual players make.

The players could choose option (a), keep the team together, have a much better chance and winning the championship again the following year – and not have to move their spouses and kids to a new location if traded. They could develop some deep roots for their families and friends by staying in the same area for many years.

Even if you equally split the salary cap across the board, each player would be considered very wealthy – not including product endorsements and other bonuses associated with winning the championship and becoming a dynasty.

So, why doesn’t it happen more often, if ever? Maybe Dwayne Wade did it for a couple years in basketball, but you never see entire teams do it – ever. Why is that? Why always choose option (b)?

I think it is important to ponder that for a while. I do not think it’s an issue that only pro sports players have. I do the same thing – and it would probably only get worse the more money I had on the table. If you see this issue as us against them, you are completely reading this wrong. It’s us against us. This isn’t just professional sports players, it’s almost everyone – including you and me.

I believe it is very rare for anyone to volunteer to make less money than they could in their current positions. Some people wouldn’t change positions to make more money because they value their current jobs for some reason or another. But inside of a particular job, I know very few people who would voluntarily make less in their current job to accomplish some other positive outcomes in that same job.

You would likely be considered foolish if you did, and anyone asking you to do so would be considered selfish. Fear is a big driver. What if you get hurt and can’t play? What if yo play for 5 years and can’t find a good job after pro sports? Fear is one of the major motivations in many of the decisions we all make.

Our culture values “more” – not necessarily more things – although things are important. But we value more time, more opportunities for leisure and “giving back,” etc. More money now gives us more time and freedom later. We can even spiritualize it. Let’s make enough money now so we can retire early and then “give back” of our time, money, resources or all three. It’s not that we really want more for us only, more for us will hopefully mean more for others too, somewhere down the road. At least that’s the plan. And, I believe many people honestly do this.

We can invite more poor people to live with us if we have a bigger house. We can take our kids friends to our vacation houses and invest in them. I mean – you know – it’s not really just for me, is it?

You can’t blame anyone for doing what has been programmed into them by the culture. Our culture values “more” – and it seems to value more of “more” every year. How do we turn that around? How do we change our ways as a society to place the highest value “enough”?

Those are important questions to ponder for me, you, our families, friends, our kids, spouses, etc.

Again, the sports analogy is simply an easier story to tell – like a parable – but it is really the story of us. We need to figure this out.

Anyway, back to our hockey parable. Let’s say the “One Goal” was really winning championships – getting to that elusive SNL “8-peat.” What might that look like?

The 2016 NHL salary cap is $71.4 million a year. The most players a team could carry is 23. For worst case, let’s assume the Hawks carried 23 players. That means, if each player made the exact same salary, that would mean that each would make about $3.1 million a year if they each made the same salary. Not too bad.

If the players really valued winning championships – they could have taken the championship team, and all signed 8 year contracts for $3.1 million a year, and guaranteed the same team dynamic for 8 years – and maybe accomplish the coveted “8-peat.”

In addition, they wouldn’t have to risk being traded. That means, they would not have to move their families, their kids could attend the same schools, and they could have some stability with friends and neighborhoods. It would be a double win.

If it sounds too socialistic to just split it up between the best and the worst players, they could each sign contracts for half the $3.1 million, call it $1.55 million each, and then have the rest ($35 million) in a pool for performance bonuses based on various factors. That way the top performers could make much more than the bottom performers. All in all, everyone would be rich – that doesn’t even count endorsement deals of products, etc.

However, that is not how it pans out in reality. The superstars of the Blackhawks, Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews each make $10.5 million a year, so the two of them combined eat up $21 million of the annual salary cap of $71.4 million. The second-tier superstars, Seabrook, Crawford and Keith eat up another $19 million between the three of them. This is a total of $40 million, or more than half the salary cap for 5 players. That means that the remaining 18 players need to split up what’s left of the salary cap – about $31 million.

So, you have to find players willing to play for a lot less than the superstars can make. Sometimes the general manager gets lucky and finds diamonds in the rough – but most of the time, you end up with mediocre players, and you don’t win the championship again the following year.

Oh well, so much for the “One Goal.”

We want to believe winning is the Blackhawks true “One Goal.” It makes life easier and more enjoyable. Just like we want to believe that the rich-poor divide isn’t our problem. We’ve earned our money – in fact, we probably should be making more doing whatever it is we do. It’s those richer than us that should cut-back and say enough is enough.

Maybe it makes life easier to believe the not-so-truthful ad slogans about our favorite professional sports teams. And maybe it makes sleeping at night a little easier for all of us to believe that we aren’t part of the problem – or part of the solution – ourselves.

I am reading a book called, “Throwing Rocks and the Google Bus”, by Douglas Rushkoff. It discusses how to address the issue of the income divide between the rich and the poor. It is a fascinating read so far – I am not even all the way through it yet. It talks about issues like the original purpose of corporations, how much is “enough” and other things.

When I accept the principle that I am part of the problem, I am also, simultaneously empowered to be part of the solution.

I would love to collaborate with others and dream up new solutions to the new problems we face in the new world of technology and globalization. Spending too much time looking backwards isn’t going to get it done – me thinks. Blaming other people won’t get it done either.

We need new, creative, attractive, agile solutions that maximize the dignity and value of every individual. I’d love to explore those things with you. Please consider this the first of many posts exploring these issues 🙂

Will My Relationship Last? Should I Stay or Should I Go?

February 8, 2016 by Bob Clinkert Leave a Comment

Will my relationship last? Should I keep dating him/her? Should I ask her to marry me? Should I say yes? Will we live happily ever after? Those are common questions. I had the privilege of raising seven kids and being able to share with many of my kids’ friends over the years. Those are common questions among young people, and even among us older folk – the difference is, younger people are typically more willing to ask the questions and listen.

Those are complicated questions surrounded by complicated, real-life issues. I don’t think there are easy answers. After almost 50 years of life, and 29 years of relationship with the same beautiful woman, I have found the secrets to relational success to be quite simple – simple as in exercising and eating-right simple. Simple in concept, difficult to master in real-life.

I have experienced a total of three – relatively simple – relationship principles. The first two I was aware of early on. The last one took 20+ years of marriage and raising kids to become aware of. I will briefly cover the first two and focus on the third.

The first one is – of course – commitment. I grew up in a home with a lousy marriage. By the time I was 8 years old I committed to having a good marriage and treating my wife with love and respect. It was important to me. I saw, first-hand, the results of a lack of commitment and I did not want to go there.

The second one is keeping the romance strong. Thinking, speaking and acting in a way that values and honors your spouse – that shows him/her that they are the most important person in your life, and that you are attracted to them – blessed to be with them.- to really own that deep down in the core of your being, and keep perfecting the art of expressing it daily. If you believe you are blessed to be with someone and you are constantly keeping all of the wonderful, amazing things about them in your mind and heart – that is who they will be to you.

The third one is way harder to see and much more difficult to live out. It’s really an offensive thing at face-value and can be upsetting to hear. Some may bristle and come up with immediate examples of why you think it’s not true. It may guilt and shame some of you – it did me for years – and still does to some extent.

The third relationship secret is this – You will only be able to love someone else to the extent, and in the manner that you love yourself. If you love yourself well, you will be able to love others well. If you love yourself poorly, you will love others poorly. The same goes for your spouse, or romantic partner. The ways that your spouse or partner is lacking in loving themselves will be the same way in which they will fail to love you. You may not like it – but it’s a fact.

The way in which you love yourself will always be revealed in your relationships with others – especially the most significant, romantic relationships in your life. Period.

So what does that mean? First, we are all works in progress when it comes to this. We will not arrive at some perfected state in this life – ever. If you desire to make progress in loving yourself well, the good news is, you will always make progress in loving your spouse or significant other well. That really is great news. We all really need to take some time to reflect on that.

Second, how do we love ourselves well? Primarily, we need to love and accept ourselves for who we really are: This includes

what makes us awesome and what makes us jerks
what we excel and and what we are just not good at doing
our big successes and big failures
our strengths and our weaknesses
our little successes and little failures
our temptations, lusts, desires and tendencies for good and for bad
our good thoughts and our wicked thoughts
our selfishness and our generosity, etc.

In order to love ourselves well, we need to KNOW ourselves well, and continue to get to know ourselves progressively – growing in our knowledge of who we are every day – for all of our lives.

The extent of our self-awareness will be the limiting factor in our ability to love ourselves well – which in turn, will be the limiting factor in how well we can love other people. Let me say that again. The extent of our self-awareness will be the limiting factor in our ability to love ourselves well – which in turn, will be the limiting factor in how well we can love other people.

Here is the next rub. You and I CANNOT be self-aware by ourselves. We need to enlist other, reliable, trusted, wise friends to reflect back the best AND the worst of us on a regular basis. Let me say that again 🙂 You and I CANNOT be self-aware by ourselves. We need to enlist other, reliable, trusted, wise friends to reflect back the best AND the worst of us on a regular basis.

You and I have many blind-spots right now, and will develop new blind-spots on a regular basis. We need a blind-spot mirrors – or trusted advisors – to enable us to identify the blind-spots, to deal with them effectively, and to know when they have been dealt with.

So, will your relationship last? Does your significant other readily accept feedback from multiple, trusted relationships, process that feedback, act on that feedback, and solicit more feedback on how he/she is doing? How about you? If the answer for one or both of you is no – you’re both in danger relationally – in danger of your relationship being much less than it could be – less than it should be.

Of course, once you begin to know the negative sides of yourself, you need to learn to love and accept yourself in spite of these flaws. Loving yourself well in spite of flaws does not mean you ignore them or don’t work on them – quite the opposite actually. If you love yourself well, you will invest heavily in dealing with your flaws appropriately. But, you will make that investment from a position of being worthy and valuable the way you are right now – despite those flaws.

So, will your relationship last? Do you fully accept yourself despite your flaws? Does your significant other? If the answer is no, your relationship is in danger – in danger of being much less than it could be – than it should be.

Additionally, your worth and value must come from the right places. Are your worth and value coming from a healthy place? Is it coming from areas that can be temporary in nature? You physical appearance? Your job? Your finances? Your skills and talents? Are you really more in love with yourself than with anyone else?

Or does your worth and value come from areas that are more stable long-term – deep inside of you? From your character, your personality, your compassion, your caring your kindness, your generosity?

So, will your relationship last? Where does your significant other’s source of worth and value come from? Is it from superficial things that might not last? Is it from things that are deep, meaningful and lasting? What about for you? If your or your significant other’s self-worth is lacking, or based on superficial sources, your relationship is in danger – in danger of being much less than it could be – than it should be.

Now that we have covered self-awareness, accepting yourself, and self-worth, it’s time for the last component – investing in yourself. Once you are aware of your flaws, you need to invest in improving in those areas.

These investments must be ongoing. There should never be a time in your life where someone asks you what flaws you are working on and you don’t have an answer.

These investments must be effective and efficient. You should have a solid plan of action, worked out with trusted advisors, to address the flaws you are currently focusing on.

These investments must create harmony in the various areas of your life. You cannot invest in one area of life at the expense of others. You need to make sure you maintain the harmony and balance in all areas of your life so that fixing yourself in one area doesn’t cause problems in another area.

The results of these investments should be measured by other, trusted advisors to ensure that you are really making the progress you need to make. If what you are doing is not being effective, you need to know so you can regroup, develop a better plan, and start executing the improved plan.

So, will your relationship last? Does your significant other consistently and progressively invest in developing their flaws and weaknesses? Do they do so in a harmonious way that does not damage other areas of their lives? Do they solicit feedback on their progress? Do you? If not, your relationship is in danger – in danger of being much less than it could be – than it should be.

Here is a summary of number three. You and your significant other need:

to be continually and progressively self-aware – through ongoing, trusted relationships with other people

to accept yourself for who you are right now – despite your flaws

to derive your value and self-worth from sources that are deep and meaningful

to be continually and progressively investing in yourself to work on your flaws in your thoughts, words and actions.

In other words, you both need to be actively, continually, and progressively loving yourself well. If you do that, and add to that commitment and intentionally keeping the romance strong in thoughts, words and actions – you will have a relationship that not only lasts – but is mutually enjoyable, meaningful, satisfying, exciting and changes the world around you!

The Best Parenting Decision We Ever Made

January 20, 2016 by Bob Clinkert 1 Comment

I’d like to share the best parenting decision my wife and I ever made. We have been married 25 years and have seven kids, four of our own, and three we adopted. Six of them are in college or recent college grads. Two are married – one grandkid on the way (yes!) We have been host to dozens of their friends over the years and have been involved in leading jr high, high school and college kids for some 14 years now. So, we have a lot of experience dealing with kids.

We have enough experience with kids growing into adulthood to see the full circle impact of some of the decisions we have made as parents (and not made), and that other parents have made – and not made. We are happy with many of our parenting decisions, and would do some things a little differently if we had it to do over again.

But one decision in particular stands out as being especially important. We made that decision, not because we knew it would end up being the best one we made, but because we felt it was the right thing to do. It was a difficult decision to make, and keeping that decision took a great deal of work and effort over almost two decades – and it continues to this day.

Some 20 years ago now, I started a men’s small group. I didn’t know any of the guys who signed up, and when they showed up for the first group, I noticed they were all about 10-15 years older than I was – and they all had kids that were 10 or more years older than mine. At first, I was a little bummed out about the age difference. It felt a little awkward and I didn’t feel like I had much in common with them.

Over the course of a couple years, my attitude changed. I became pretty close friends with those guys, and really respected their experience and wisdom. Towards the end of our time together, I asked them what their most important advice would be for parenting kids would be. They unanimously agreed on the following (paraphrase) –

“Your kids are little now. When they get into middle school, your influence on them will begin to lessen, as will their desire to listen to what you say. That trend will continue into high school, and by the time they get into college, you will have much less influence on them than so many other people. Over the course of 6-8 years, you will move from being the primary influence in their lives, to one of many, to one of the smaller influences in their lives – in terms of how the behave, what they feel is important and not important, the choices they make, etc.”

They went on to say, “Because this will happen, your best move is to make sure that your kids form friendships with some other adults besides you that can began building into their lives. These adults should be people who have the same beliefs and priorities you do, and who care about what you care about – and care about your kids. As your kids get older, the fact is, they will be much more likely to turn to other adults when they have issues, minor and serious, than to come to you. You may not like that, and may not believe it now, but it will happen. If you do not participate in the choosing of these adult influences, they will form anyway, through luck of the draw.”

That was some hard to hear stuff for me at that time. My kids were toddlers and preschoolers then. My wife and I were the absolute centers of their lives. My daughters wanted to marry me when they grew up. They would dance and sing when I came home from work. We didn’t really believe that there would ever come a time that we would no longer be the primary influences in their lives.

But, because I had so much trust and respect for these guys, we went ahead and followed their advice. We looked for opportunities to connect our kids with other adults whose beliefs were similar to ours, who really wanted to make a difference in our kids lives.

The first and easiest choice was the kid’s church and small groups at our church. We knew most of the parent helpers and knew they were good people – and they had a solid foundation for mentoring the kids. As our kids got older, this transitioned to the student ministries (STUCO for us). STUCO has weekly evening services for students, and then small groups which are led by a couple adults. Additionally, the various leaders and STUCO staff invest in the kids as well.

It wasn’t always easy getting our kids to go. We had to “force” them to go on many, many occasions. We had to force them to go to the first few group events like the camps and the retreats. We had to make sure they got their homework done early – or we had to help them do it late, after STUCO.

We even made the decision to coach many of our kids sports teams so that we had control of the schedules and could make sure STUCO night was free. We made some tough calls missing some practices, games, events, etc., outside of church. We weren’t completely inflexible, but, our kids knew that STUCO was the priority.

We made sure that our kids were getting music lessons from adults in the church. Most of our kids contributed musically for years, some still do. We took advantage of plays, acting, and dance when it was offered by leaders in our church, or people we trusted. Our kids were on stage quite a bit when they were younger, and I remember people asking us if we were proud to see our kids on stage. That part of it was OK – but our primary motivation was steering our kids towards friendships with other quality adults. The stage really was not even a consideration.

The truth is, every single one of our kids has been tremendously influenced by the adult relationships that have formed over the years – through the hard, intentional, ongoing efforts of me and my wife, and the blessing of God on our desires and efforts. The adult musicians, actors, small group leader, student ministry staff, and other adult leaders have contributed to deep character formation within our kids. That doesn’t mean they didn’t or won’t make mistakes, but they have a foundation, and role models that expand well beyond their parents – and our shortcomings.

There is a cost. It was difficult. It cost money. It cost time. There were tears of not wanting to practice, not wanting to sing, not wanting to go to church, fighting with other kids at the church, not liking the leaders, etc., etc. It was a long row to hoe at many points in the last 20 years – but it was by far the most important thing we have done for our kids – outside of loving them and doing the best we could to raise them as parents.

I forgot about another thing those guys from my small group said so many years ago. It was this, “Since you are going to be relying on other adults to step up and build into your kids, you should be willing to do the same. Step up, get involved in the lives of other kids, and be good influences on them and good friends to them.”

I am happy to say my wife and I have taken that advice as well. We have been intentionally investing in other kids for the last 20 years and hope to continue to do so for many more years to come. It has not always been easy – life is messy and there are always difficulties that come with the joy that comes from making a difference in people’s lives. In hindsight, we can honestly say we would do it all over again. In fact, taking that advice is what put us in a position to adopt the three kids that are now even a bigger part of our family than they were before we adopted them.

So that’s it. I would encourage you to count the cost of helping your kids develop some other adult friendships with people you trust and respect – and, I would encourage you to count the cost of not doing it. You will lose influence with your kids – whether you are even aware of it or not. Make sure they have other wise, adult counsel they can turn to when they get older. And, do the same for someone else’s kids!

Post BLAST Reflections – Super Concentrated Life Experiences

January 19, 2016 by Bob Clinkert Leave a Comment

After roughly 14 BLAST events and 20 Philippines Frontline Outreach Trip events, I have seen some similarities and patterns between the two that are worth noting. BLAST is an annual youth conference held over the MLK holiday weekend in January at an indoor waterpark hotel in the Wisconsin Dells – this year we had over 1,100 in attendance. Basically two leaders host 10-12 kids in a room for 4 days and 3 nights!

Both events are what I would call “super concentrated life experiences.” You are experiencing aspects of life with growth, development and challenges that would normally be experienced over a course of several months – that are now compressed into a few days.

You are sleeping with relative strangers, many of them, in a confined space. You are not sleeping, eating or bathrooming in a normal fashion – as such you are tired and physically worn down.

You are having concentrated spiritual and emotionally charged experiences that leave you inspired but also mentally worn down. Just like you get muscles soreness when you physically workout with intensity, you experience a similar effect in the spiritual/emotional realms when you go through intense experience in those areas.

You are also part of a complex equation of “staff”, “lay leaders” and “those being served”

If I were to write a combined “lay leader” BLAST and Outreach Trip Event “what to expect” guide I would say the following:

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“You will be completely worn-down physically, emotionally and spiritually shortly after you arrive and that will intensify throughout the event and on the way home.

As such, you should expect, and try to handle with grace, these types of experiences, some or all of which are very likely to occur during your event:

“those being served” will also be tired, physically worn down, and emotionally and spiritually fatigued. They will sometimes be unreasonable, be disrespectful, be disruptive, not pay attention, cry, yell, check-out emotionally, fight, argue, say mean things to each other, say mean things to “lay leaders” and say mean things to “staff”. In other words, you will experience drama!

Other “lay-leaders” may annoy you with things they say, the way they say things, what they don’t say, things they do and don’t do. You and other lay-leaders may annoy the “staff” with things you say, how you say things, and what you don’t say, things you do and don’t do.

As a “lay-leader” you will go through ups and downs. You may have incredible moments of connection with “those being served” alongside times where you may doubt you are making any difference at all, and that maybe you were never cut out to do this kind of work. At some points you may believe that “those being served” deserve better than you, and at other times you may believe that you are experiencing one of your holy ordained purposes in life.

As a “lay leader” you are very likely to unintentionally to say things that come across as insensitive and maybe critical of the “staff”. You are likely to unintentionally, do and say things that seem to cheapen what is going on, and that seemingly reduces the monumental effort the “staff” put in prior to, during, and after the event. You will not be able to fully understand the context and perspective of the “staff” even if you really want to and try hard to do it.

Hang in there. Don’t get too caught up in potentially negative moments. Fight through to the end.

After you get home and get caught up on sleep, good food and good bathroom time, you will have a much clearer mind with which to reflect on the past event and plan future opportunities for influence around it!

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After all, compressed life experiences are like – well – real life 🙂
Real life is filled with ups, downs, and everything in between. Proper perspective, grace and rest go along way to make real life satisfying – and those things work well for “concentrated life experiences” as well!

Easy to Forget – Lessons from Community Giftmart Outreach

December 23, 2015 by Bob Clinkert Leave a Comment

My family just finished serving at an outreach event for the under-resourced in our local community called “Gift Mart.” It’s a great program that has well-resourced people buying new toys for kids, which are then sold at the local schools for a couple dollars each. This provides dignity for the people purchasing the gifts – as they get to select them and pay for them – and also provides more than $10,000 to local, under-resourced school districts. It’s a well thought out holiday outreach program and has been running for 13 years now.

The volunteer effort is pretty substantial. 700+ volunteers over several schools in the area. My family has always helped in the play rooms that are set up to help keep the young kids occupied so their parents can shop for gifts without their kids seeing them. Once the gifts are purchased, there are volunteers who wrap the gifts so they are hidden from the kids and all set to go under the tree.

My wife did the gift wrap this year with a bunch of her friends, and the rest of us worked with the kids again. We had an earlier shift with the kids so we finished up about halfway through the event. I went to touch base with my wife Vicky at the gift wrapping station. There were about a dozen stations, each with 6 or more people in line to get their gifts wrapped.

I greeted everyone waiting to get their gifts wrapped as a walked through the crowd to the back of the room to say hi to Vicky and her friends. As we were about to leave, I addressed the whole group of gift-wrappers, as they were all friends of Vicky’s, “If you all decide to go get something to eat after your shift is over, text me and I’ll meet up with you.”

Immediately after I said that, it hit me as I was walking out of the room, back through the crowd of people waiting for their gifts to be wrapped – If we go out to eat afterwards, it is very likely that we will EACH spend MORE on that one meal out, than these parents have spent in total for Christmas gifts for their kids (most had several kids).

Each family is limited to purchase seven gifts, at $2 each for a grand total of $14 per family. As I just said what I said, and reflected on it as I looked everyone in the eyes on my way out, I felt kind of ashamed. Like, if they understood what I was saying – most of them were Spanish speaking – then they could easily figure out how much disposable income we must have compared to them. I felt like I was kind of throwing it in their faces – albeit unintentionally.

Then, on the walk to the car and the subsequent drive home, I thought about it a little more. It’s really NOT FAIR that, I have the capacity to spend more money on an average lunch out, than most of these folks have available in total for Christmas gifts for their kids.

As I thought about it more, the real issue, isn’t that I am in a position to have more disposable income – the real issue is that these other folks are NOT in that position. And for most of them, the odds of any of them moving from their position to my position is relatively small – regardless of how hard they work.

I have always been in a position to be able to fully leverage the “system” of financial success in this country. In fact, that system has been designed by guys like me, and as an unintentional side-effect for the most part, it works best for guys like me – white, English-speaking “guys” born into strong, American family units with strong extended families – having grown up and gone to school in highly-resourced areas.

It’s easy to forget the root issue here – one of the main reasons the “Gift Mart” even exists – is that many people have not been able to fully leverage the system of success in this country. As such, they do not have access to the same resources that people like me do – and they need subsidized toys, or else they will have nothing to give to their kids. And the schools they attend need external help because their tax-base does not generate sufficient resources.

I’d like to make a few points here.

One, the world will always need some level of “relief” type support in terms of subsidies and sometimes even direct handouts. With the number of people in this country, and the myriad of issues that can affect people without a safety net of strong family support, we will always need relief, or aid-based assistance programs. So, “Gift Mart” provides a great and much needed service to the community and always will. Helping out, donating toys, volunteering, etc., at “Gift Mart” and similar services is a significant outreach and should not be cheapened because of the larger, more systemic issues at work.

Two, spending money is, for the most part, a good thing. If economic experts can agree on one thing, it is that what is called the “velocity of money,” or how often money changes hands, is directly related to financial health of economies. We want people with disposable income to spend it eating out, shopping, and on products and services. That spending provides jobs so people have more disposable incomes. Spending money going out to eat is not the primary cause of the income disparities in the country. It is actually a big part of the solution.

Three, I believe that many of the primary causes of the financial disparities in this country are systemic in nature. They are “system issues.” The systems are not designed to provide maximum opportunity for folks who do not match the “norm” for many existing Americans.

Inflation adjusted wages have not grown at least 30 years – at all. Prices for homes, rent, cars, food, even college and higher education have gone higher at a much more rapid pace the last 30 years. Without a strong foundation, it is very difficult to leverage the existing systems to GET BETTER – to improve your financial circumstances and generate disposable income.

Changing systems is difficult, complicated, and a process of long-suffering. Most everyday folk cannot get their head around how they can contribute to changing the system – and the truth is, most will never be able to invest a great deal of time in advocating for better systems.

What most folk can do, is help provide that solid foundation that the current system is predicated upon. Most people with some level of financial success have networks of coaching, mentoring, and short-term assistance in extended family and friends that can provide long-term wise-counsel and advice and short-term support when needed. Each of us is capable to inviting others who are less fortunate than us into our circles and networks.

Extending friendship to those less resourced than ourselves is the NUMBER ONE way we can contribute to ending this disparity. Friendship leads to coaching, mentoring, access to networks and short-term support that are all desperately needed for the under-resourced to begin to leverage the existing systems of financial success in this country.

I am not very likely to change “the system” in short order, neither are you – but I can be intentional about reaching across socio-economic lines and offering what I do have – friendship. These friendships, if genuine, will always lead to the development of a stronger foundation of support, coaching and mentoring that will do the real, and often times not very sexy work of changing lives and when extended across many people, changing communities and the world.

It’s easy to forget that many of our fellow citizens are trapped in a cycle that is difficult to get out of. Some have become dependent on the current system and do not want to leave it, but most want out. Most want a better life, the dignity of providing for themselves and their families.

As “average” folk, the best, most immediate, and longest-lasting way we can make a difference is by intentionally forming friendships across those socio-economic lines. It’s not as easy as it sounds, and it will for sure be very messy at times – but it is very effective, and well-worth the investment!

Dealing with Disappointment and Depression

November 24, 2015 by Bob Clinkert 1 Comment

As a backdrop to this discussion, let me share a little personal stuff about me.

I met my wife-to-be when I was 19 and she was 17. We have known each other for 29 years and have been crazy happily married for 25 years. I think we grow more in love every year. If Brad and Angelina and they knew us well they would probably be like, “Man, we wish we had a relationship like these guys!”

We each always wanted to kids and we have been blessed with a remarkable family. We have four of our own kids and adopted three more awesome kids along the way. We have mostly raised these seven kids. Four have already graduated college, two are happily married, two doing well in college and one in high school. I coached sports teams for most of my kids, attended almost all of their events over the years, walked them to school a bunch, had more family dinners, activities and small vacations than I can remember.

I graduated college with a pre-med and electrical engineering degree, went to medical school, quit to become an engineer, and earned a graduate degree in electrical engineering part-time that was paid for by my first job. I have worked for some of the best, large tech companies in the Chicagoland area for more than 10 years moving my way up the ladder in responsibility. After more than a decade in the big corporate world I wanted more control over my impact so I joined a good friend in his small business and became a partner in 2000 and have been doing that ever since.

My and my business partner enjoy a solid business relationship, friendship and faith. We have been successful in making money and in social enterprise as well, planting a social business in the Philippines in partnership with an amazing ministry that is making a huge difference.

I’ve been part of a dynamic, growing church for more than 21 years now and have enjoyed many different kinds of leadership, engagement, and community with kids, students, young adults and adults.

The Good Life?

I have had a pretty good life and I am not yet 50 years old. If you would have told my college self back in the day that I would enjoy all of these good things in life, I would expect that I would also be pretty free of disappointment and trouble.

The way it actually turned out is, while I am happy much of the time, I can honestly say that I experience disappointment and frustration on a daily basis – some days more than other. Ever few weeks that disappointment can compound into more serious frustration. Every few months I have times where I question what I am doing and sometimes who I am. Every few years I find myself, at times, questioning if it would be better maybe if I didn’t exist any more. Those thoughts are always short-lived, but I do infrequently even question the value of my life.

What’s Normal?

I share that because I believe that is a somewhat normal experience. It may not be normal to admit it publicly, but I believe it is normal to experience those feelings. If one does not believe that it is normal to experience difficulty in life that can turn into disappointment that can compound into feelings of early depression, then we should be able to deal with it more effectively. If it is normal and expected, we should be able to limit the duration intensity and frequency of disappointment. Learn to fail well, face difficulty well and suffer well.

I believe that not only do we experience ups and downs on a regular basis, but that at all times we have both good and bad in our lives. As Rick Warren said,

“I used to think that life was hills and valleys – you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don’t believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it’s kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.”

I really appreciate how he articulated that because I have found that to be true in my life – I always have at least some good and some bad in my life simultaneously. Not that I want to dwell on the bad, but I want to accept the reality that is there so I can deal with it effectively. I also think we do experience highs and lows as well, but, at all times, both good and bad are there.

Real Christian Don’t Have Disappointment, Right?

Followers of Jesus can put unrealistic pressure on themselves to have a stress and disappointment free life. Difficulty and disappointment are seen by many in the faith as unnecessary things that can and should be transcended as one achieves that higher degree of spiritual connectedness, I’m calling BS on that.

I not only believe, but I have experienced as a matter of fact that following after Jesus will bring more difficulty, stress and disappointment into your life. Jesus leads us into messy and difficulty engagements if we are truly following him. Check out how some of these followers of God/Jesus mentioned in the Bible have felt – just a small sampling:

- Jonah 4:3 – “Now, Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.”
- 1 King 19:4 – “He (Elijah) prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life;”
- Jeremiah 20:18 – “Why did I ever come out of the womb to see trouble and sorrow and to end my days in shame?
- Psalm 13:2 – “How long must I (David) wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?”
- Luke 7:18-19 – “John called for two of his disciples, and he sent them to the Lord to ask him, ‘Are you the Messiah we’ve been expecting, or should we keep looking for someone else?’”

If you read the Bible from cover to cover, you will find story after story of people who desire to follow God being disappointed along the way – sometimes profoundly disappointed and even depressed to the point of contemplating suicide. That’s pretty serious stuff and it is all right there in the Bible.

Being a devoted follower of Jesus will not exempt any of us from disappointment and trouble in life – in fact, I have found that following Jesus creates more opportunity for disappointment and difficulty. But knowing and following Jesus should help us process difficulty and disappointment in a more effective way.

Common Language for Disappointment and Depression

Let’s get some definitions and common language understood.

Disappointment is a natural response to difficulty in our lives. The prevalence, duration and intensity of disappointment we experience is directly proportional to how we process difficulty, trouble and problems as they flow into our lives.

Difficulties, trouble and problems will come into our life – often. This is a guarantee unless we are completely unplugged from reality. Reacting negatively to difficulties will generate disappointment in our lives. Continued negative reaction will result in ongoing disappointment which can become habitual and chronic. This can lead to what I refer to as cognitive depression.

My definition of cognitive depression is a pre-clinically depressed state cause by our thoughts, attitudes and beliefs. If left unchecked, cognitive depression will develop into clinical depression.

Working Backward

Let’s work backwards. If you find yourself clinically depressed, you need, professional, medical help – and most likely medication. Clinical depression involves serious neurochemical shifts in your brain that can often times only be reversed with medication under professional supervision. Most Christians have no problem seeing a doctor for a sinus infection but some will bristle at mental health visits. It’s the same thing. God gave us doctors and medical science to leverage and steward. Clinical depression is bonafide medical issue like a sinus infection, heart disease or anything else.

If you feel like your thoughts, attitudes and beliefs are in a habitually negative place, you may be in this middle-ground state I call cognitive depression. Depending on the severity of your situation you may want to seek some professional counseling session or even see a psychiatrist. If you have a few people in your life you trust with having your best interests at heart, you may want to share how you’re feeling and have them advise you if you are having trouble making up your mind on seeking professional help.

So, we are back to the beginning with how we respond to difficulty and disappointment as it comes into our lives. How difficulty affects our thoughts, attitudes and beliefs is very important – especially if one desires to stay out of the mode of consistent disappointment that can lead to cognitive and later clinical depression.

Let’s take a close look at expectations. Another phrase we can substitute for expectations is definition of success. My expectations for a particular scenario are really at the same time how I would define success in that scenario.

Expectations are So Important

Why is our definition of success important? Why are expectations so important?

Here is a simple example. I am a huge Chicago Cubs fan. I have been since I was about 8 years old. This last year has been great. Everyone expected this to be another rebuilding year. The definition of success at the beginning of the season would have been to so a little better than last year – maybe get to 500 – half wins and have losses; as opposed to last year’s roughly ⅓ wins and ⅔ losses over the 2014 season. As it turns out, the Cubs greatly exceeded expectations. They won roughly ⅔ of their games – made the playoffs – won the wildcard playoffs, won the divisional series against their arch rivals the Cardinals, and then lost in the league championship series against the Mets.

While I wasn’t jumping for joy when they lost that series – I was still happy. I had hope. I felt great about the season. I was proud of the Cubs and what they accomplished and I am looking forward to next season with great enthusiasm. I am in a good place from a baseball perspective. A warm, fuzzy, happy place.

In 2003 the expectations were a lot different. The spring training edition of SPort Illustrated had the Cubs on it’s cover with the caption,

Hell will freeze over. Cubs will win the World Series.

The definition of success that year was winning the whole enchilada. Nothing else would satisfy. Nothing else would be accepted. Of course, the Cubs lost in the league championship series. That loss was devastating. A young man named Steve Bartman almost lost his life because of it. Die-hard Cubs fans were in agony – many of them actually became depressed.

The end result in 2003 and in 2015 was exactly the same. Losing in the league championship series. But the disappointment generated in 2003 far exceeded the disappointment generated in 2015 – all because the expectations – the definition of success – was different.

Authentic Success is Layered

Same is true with life. If you believe that marrying the love of your life and having a wonderful family and a solid professional career will eliminate most disappointment from your life you are very much mistaken.

That is why I shared so much detail about the happy parts of my life – not to brag – but to underscore the idea that if we define success as being happily married, successfully raising a family, having a successful career, or even living a meaningful, spiritually connected life, we will be inviting opportunity for serious disappointment in our lives.

How you define success is very important.

One of the biggest issues with defining success is the belief that it is one monolithic thing. Like Curly said in City Slickers to Billy Crystal that life is about one thing and you have to find it to be happy. That might make for a good movie line, but it is NOT real life.

Real life is more complicated than that. We need many things in life to be happy. Air. Water. Food, Clothes. Shelter. Security. Meaningful work, Love, etc. We need ALL of them simultaneously. We are layered, multi-faceted beings. We need a definition of success that is also layered and multi- faceted. Please consider the following diagram:

The Layers

I have found success to be layered, like an onion, or an ogre. Our spiritual connection with God is at the center of my success onion. My internal character the next layer of my success onion. God and Character form what I refer to as my internal success layers. These are “inner” because they a primarily expressed internally and are not directly visible to the outside world, only indirectly visible. You can’t really know the depth of my spiritual life or my character by looking a a recent head-shot picture of me.

The inner layers of success I have found to be the most difficult to work on. They are the foundational pieces that take a long time to lay and develop – with a lot of back and forth, up and down, two steps forward, one step back. They also have limited short-term bang-for-the-buck. It normally takes a great deal of time for their effect to be realized in the “External” layers of success.

The external layers of success in my life are what people can see and feel. It is the realization of my influence on the world around me. My relationships with people – wife, kids, mom/dad, family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, followers on social media, etc. That is the first external layer. The final external layer is my vocation, ministry, career – or for younger folk – high school, college or graduate school.

Where is the Focus?

Most of the people I know are consumed with the outer layers and most older folk I know are most concerned with that outermost layer – vocation/ministry. What they do.

When people compare their outer layers to the outer layers of others, they will inevitably see themselves as falling short. They are not in the career position they thought they would be, they are not having the world-changing influence they always imagined themselves being, their marriage/family isn’t everything they hoped for, they don’t have as many friends, or the quality of friendships they thought they would have, etc.

When we see others and compare, our expectations shift – and our disappointment increases.

If we had or have high expectations for ourselves at the outer layers, we will inevitably, always miss expectations – and become disappointed.

I found in my life, that when the comparisons come, and when my own high expectations – which are not necessarily a bad thing – come to disappoint me, and need to fall back into my lower, internal layers of success to revitalize, recharge and recenter myself. Those lower layers become a solid, yet soft foundation that I can retreat to and land on for support.

Inner Layers

I define character overall as the development of character competencies throughout my life. I have come to a set of ten character competencies that I concentrate on: Personal Discipline, Accurate Self-Image, Positive Attitude, Principle-Driven, Mission and Purpose, Integrated Life, Others-Centered, Personal Transformation, Adaptability, and Perseverance. Each one of these competencies gives me valuable tools and strategies to effectively deal with disappointment and difficulties and prevent me from falling into cognitive depression.

God is at the center. That is not a Republican platitude but a reference to the reason and motivation for my existence. My entire spiritual life is formed and developed at this layer. For me this includes, prayer, meditation on and wrestling with scripture, attentiveness to God’s Spirit inside of me, discipling relationships with people I know well and trust, etc.

When disappointment really starts to get to me, I have to retreat to this inner most layer to get back to the basic truth that God loves me and made me incredibly awesome. Ephesians 2:10 says I am God’s masterpiece, his work of art, who was created to do good works that God has already planned in advance for me to do. My expectations and the comparisons I make with other people lose their power of me when I reflect and consider God’s truth about myself, and my life.

My essence, my being is already awesome – already a masterpiece – waiting to be progressively unleashed throughout my lifetime. There is nothing I can do or not do to make God love me any more or less. This innermost layer is my rock – the lowest place I can fall and the highest place I can find meaning and worth.

Easier Said than Done

While it is fairly easy to articulate this in words and diagrams in a blog post, it is much more difficult to practice and live out on a daily basis. All too often when disappointment grabs hold of me I find myself stuck in the outer layers – a spiral that gets bigger and bigger and keeps me away from my inner core.

But the way out is always known to me. My inner layers eventually kick in. Sometimes I need the help of others or a kick in the rear, sometimes I may even need a little medical help, but I have always found my way back to my core definition of success – my inner layers, and it has always been there that I have been rescued, recharged and rejuvenated.

If you have never done it, take some time to create a first draft of your personal, layered definition of authentic success for your life. If you have done it before, go over it again. Make sure it has all of the layers that represent your whole being.

In closing, I will share my latest thoughts on my personal, layered version of authentic success for my life. Check it out. I fall short of it most days, but, it is something to shoot for, and something that redirects my disappointment and difficulty to a better place!

My Layers

Inner Core

- Glorify God
  - Is 43:7, 1 Cor 6:20, 1 Th 5:18
- Love God with whole heart, soul, mind strength
  - Deut 6:4-9
- Love neighbor as yourself
  - Matt 22:39, Lev 19:18
  - Includes servant-leadership

Outer Core

- Unleash the Masterpiece
  - Eph 2:10
  - Helping others become fully who they were created to be
- Be transformed by the renewing of your mind
  - Romans 12:2
  - Iterative process of excellence always moving forward / growing
- Be fully present in the every moment
  - Prov 27:1, Matt 6:25-34
- Integrated / balanced life
  - Col 3:23-24, Col 3:12-15
- Develop good habits
  - Hebrews 12:11, 2 Tim 1:7

Inner Surface

- Unity
  - John 17:20-23
- Learn, Apply, Coach
  - 2 Tim 2:2, Prov 22:26, 1 Thess 2:8
- Includes multiplication / replication / apprenticeship
- Meaningful partnerships (networks)
  - Luke 22:25, Rom 8:28
- Entrepreneurialism
  - Titus 3:14, Is 54:2-3, Prov 22:9

Outer Surface (Phil 4:8)
- Missional Business / Social Enterprise / Community Development
- Millennial-focused Church Plant