Welcome to the sixth Abundant Sex! blog post! It’s been a week since my last post! In the last post we discussed how feeling attractive and sexy increases sexual attraction – especially for the ladies!
Principle #4 of Abundant Sex! is: A Healthy Sex Life is a Strong Indicator of Healthy Marriage! (Unfortunately, the converse is also true: unhealthy sex life is a strong Indicator of an unhealthy marriage)
Since a healthy sex life is dependent on so many things outside of the physical act – including emotional intimacy, connection, etc., it follows that where there is great, healthy sex there is a great, healthy marriage – especially after many years of being married.
It’s not that great marriages need great sex (even though I would argue most do), it is more so that, great sex requires a great marriage. If great, healthy sex is present, then a great, healthy marriage is sure to be found as well.
Why is this? Think about it. If you have been married for many years – especially if you have kids – sex of any kind is difficult – great or not-so-great. You are likely physically, emotionally and/or mentally drained by the end of the day, on many days, if not most days.
The newness of the initial sexual attraction is not so new anymore. After many years of living together you will have discovered most, if not all of the habits and behaviors that your spouse has that range anywhere from mildly irritating to full-out annoying the heck out of you. You will have seen your spouse at their worst on many occasions. You will have experienced fighting about the usual subjects and the usual suspects, that are usually present when you do argue.
The honeymoon, as it were, is over. Many couples experience a decrease in sexual fulfilment as the years of marriage begin to add up. While this is not unusual, it is also not necessary – as this series of blog posts intends to support.
Let’s look at the flip-side. If a couple, married for many years – with kids even – is able to make the time and effort, for mutually satisfying healthy sex, good things are happening in the marriage overall. I guarantee it!
Let’s break it down. For most women to be in the right mood, and not only willing, but eagerly awaiting, a late evening sexual encounter with their husband, they need to feel loved, cherished, romanced and valued (and sexy, as we learned from the last post!). While different women prefer different ways of being loved, cherished, romanced and valued (and sexy), those things pretty much have to be there. If the two of you are still (quietly) swinging from the light fixture in your bedroom after all of the kids go to bed – the lady is probably feeling pretty loved, cherished, romanced, valued and sexy to get there.
Arousal and sexual fulfilment in women is more complicated than it is for most men. Women need to have a sense of balance and integration in most areas of their lives to focus on sexual fulfilment. While most men can almost immediately transition from any mood or previous activity into satisfying sexual expression, most women cannot easily do the same. The ability to for a woman to achieve heightened arousal and org*sm is an indicator of a healthy and balanced life in general – emotionally, physically and mentally.
Keep in mind, that when I use the term great, healthy sex life, there are a couple of noteworthy stipulations that come with the healthy part.
Stipulation 1: Exclusivity of sexual activity. If you are having an affair, frequenting strip clubs and/or deeply ingrained in pornography – that might be fueling sexual desire leading to good physical sexual intimacy – but that is not healthy. More on that in a later post.
Stipulation 2: There are seasons and times in a marriage where great, healthy sex is not possible and that is OK – so long as it doesn’t last too long. If you are having a tough couple of days at the office, dealing with being sick, grieving a loss of life, having serious issues with your kids or your extended family, etc., it is not unusual for those things to put a temporary damper on fun and exciting bedroom activities. It’s normal. Don’t worry about it. If you are in an emotional or physical condition for weeks and weeks with absolutely no sexual desire that may be a sign of a more serious problem and you should seek some external, professional support.
Stipulation 3: Great, healthy sex is mutually satisfying. By that I mean, great for both husband and wife – including fulfilment for both – most of the time. If you are faking fulfilment most of the time to keep your spouse fulfilled sexually, that’s not healthy – for you or your spouse. There are going to be days where it might just not be happening for whatever reason. It’s unhealthy to obsess about the once-in-a-while lack of mutual fulfilment. It’s normal. It is the extended lack of mutual fulfilment that should be cause for concern.
The topics of fulfilment and mutually satisfying sex can be very difficult for some couples. We will discuss fulfilment and mutually fulfilling sex in the next blog post!
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