Welcome back to abundant sex! In the last post we discussed the first principle of laying the foundation for your marriage on mentoring. You need three types of mentoring in your life on a regular basis: One: intentional relationships with couples that have much more experience than you do in being happily married. Two: at least 50% of your social/free time spent with individuals/couples on the same journey as you who value the same things in marriage and relationships. Three: being intentional about mentoring couples and individuals with less experience than you.
This week we will be discussing the second abundant sex principle: Emotional Intimacy.
I remember a discussion in the Pre Cana, premarital counseling class Vicky and I attended when we were engaged. The guy instructor said, “Great sex starts in the kitchen!” Of course, my immediate thoughts were, wow, that’s kinky! Like, kitchen table? Swinging from the light fixture? Experimenting with items from the refrigerator? I wonder what he means?!?
Well,he didn’t mean that great sex starts with actual physical acts of sex in the kitchen (unfortunately). He meant that great sex starts with the husband honoring his wife by helping out in the kitchen. Making dinner regularly, helping with the dishes regularly, helping with shopping regularly, etc. That blew my mind when I first heard it.
Of course, after having been married 25 years now, it makes so much more sense to me. There are well-known books that discuss the concept known as Love Languages. The most popular authors out there have identified five of them. The important part of the concept with regards to abundant sex is that, believe it or not, the physical sex act is prioritized in importance differently for different people. Additionally, what gets people in the mood for sex is different for different people.
Let’s look at the specific example of great sex starting in the kitchen. There are a few things going on here. When my wife feels loved and valued by me in ways that invest in her emotionally, and non-sexually, she is going to feel better about me in general. When I go out of my way to remove some of the burdens and chores in her life, to help her in ways that are practical and somewhat obvious, she is going to be more likely to naturally go out of her way to value and honor me.
When I consider things important, purely because they are important to my wife, that values her greatly. If small gifts are important to her and I make it a priority to surprise her every now and then that values her. If spending one-on-one time with her is important to her, I can value her by not only having regular date nights, but to take the stress out of the planning by coordinating child care, rides for the kids to their activities, etc. If my wife has to do all the work and all of the no-fun stuff related to having a date night, she is going to naturally not enjoy it as much as if I share the burdens with her. If encouraging words are important to her, I can write her notes, give her heart-felt cards with messages in them, send fun, encouraging, flirty texts and FB messages to her during the day, etc.
All of these seemingly little investments and displays of honor and value can remind my wife of why she fell in love with me in the first place. It creates an atmosphere of non-sexual romance – which, can very often times be followed by sexual intimacy later on when the time is right. Non-sexual romance is so huge is creating rich and satisfying sexual intimacy. Great sex can start in the kitchen.
I remember the lady who taught the Pre Cana class telling us that her husband looks super sexy when he bathes the kids at night, changes diapers and gets them ready for bed. It’s about value, honor, caring and romance. Spouses need to cherish each other.
Nothing kills the mood faster and more completely than unkind words, actions that so apathy towards someone’s hard work and effort, etc. Creating the right atmosphere in the normal routines of daily living often times leads to incredible passion in the bedroom.
Additionally, abundant sex is related to energy levels. If your spouse is physically exhausted by the time they get to bed, instead of getting a fireworks display you might bet a single firecracker or maybe even a smoke bomb. If your spouse is doing all of the shopping, cooking cleaning, washing AND PUTTING AWAY of clothes, etc., forget about the lack of value she may feel, she will just be way too exhausted to fully engage in sexual intimacy later that night.
Another big romance killer I have a habit of falling prey to is starting intense and stressful topics of discussion as we turn into bed for the night. That’s a classic mood killer right there. Sex or no sex, discussing stressful issues before bed is never a good idea. It is really just laziness on my part – not creating the time and space to have the discussions during parts of the day that are better suited mentally, emotionally and physically for stressful discussions.
So the abundant sex principle of Emotional Intimacy is all about finding creative ways to regularly honor and value your spouse in ways that are meaningful to them – in their preferred love languages as it were. Of course, some people get too militant about which one is the number one and you can get stuck in a rut. Truthfully, my wife loves to be treated to all of the love languages as often as she can. It’s not as black and white as people may think it is. It’s not like Vicky only loves gifts and doesn’t care about kind words. She would like nice gifts, kind words, one on one time, etc. To really honor your spouse, mix it up. Keep it exciting.
This is not easy to do. As I am writing this, I am being convicted of my lack of creativity in these areas lately. It’s easy for me to get into ruts, habits and lose the freshness. If I really want to cherish Vicky, I need to keep it creative. Creativity and romance go well together, and emotional intimacy (non-sexual romance) and sexual intimacy also go well together. It is almost impossible to have one without the other.
If you know a couple that is still having great, mutually satisfying, exclusive sexual intimacy after 15, 20, 25, 30 years of marriage, you can be guaranteed that there is a very healthy amount non-sexual romance in terms of emotional intimacy. That not only pays dividends in the bedroom, but it makes daily life in marriage so much more fun and enjoyable!!
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